Pin Cushion

For the last 3 weeks I've been going to an acupuncturist.  At this point I'm desperate to find anything that will help.  I've tried medicines, ice packs, nerve blocks in my head and neck, a caffeine cocktail IV, and spinal taps.  After a month off work something better work or I'll lose my job and that means I lose my health insurance.

A Vietnamese woman my mom knows recommended I try acupuncture and told us where to go.  This sweet Korean lady has her PhD and retired from nursing in the U.S.  She has been working to help my headaches, back pain from the spinal tap, and upset stomach from all the medications I take.

I was amazed at what she could tell from looking at my tongue and asking me some questions.  She is very insightful, but above that, I feel better.  I actually feel better!  I'm drinking a different pH water from her also.  She had me cut out cheese which was difficult- lol.  It's working to the point I've been able to lower my dosage on one medication and completely quit taking another two.  This woman is truly a gift from God.  She talks to me about my broken heart and shares about her own divorce.  I leave there every time feeling renewed. 

My grandma would always equate getting shots and having blood drawn to feeling like a pin cushion.  I'm sure I look like a giant pin cushion during my sessions!  I feel like one sometimes, but I'm just so grateful to feel better that it really doesn't matter.

Good Day

For the last 3 weeks, I've been off work.  I had to have a spinal tap and have been extremely ill.  I won't be returning to work until January and I miss my students terribly.  I've been pretty down lately.  Last week my parents were at the cattle auction in town and asked me to meet them up there after my doctor's appointment.  

I went up there to sit with my dad and there was this little kid running around the auction barn.  He had a snotty nose and was just filthy, but absolutely adorable in his cowboy boots and wrangler jeans.  He would sit and sing really loud and play like he had a guitar for a while.  Then he'd run around and jump up and down the bleachers.  As he's running by, the old men would talk to him a little and they apparently knew who he was.  My dad said he's there every week.  The whole time he's doing this, the auction is going on and cattle are coming through and it doesn't phase him or anyone else.  My dad pointed out his father and told me he was a cattle buyer for one of the large companies that sends cattle to the stockyards.  I started talking to the little boy and he told me his name and and that he was 4 years old. Then as he ran around he'd come back and talk to me a little. 

After a while my parents and I went into the cafe area to get a burger.  This adorable little guy came and sat with me and I gave him my chips.  He didn't want part of the burger.  He was perusing a tractor catalog and could tell me what was a combine versus a tractor or a bulldozer.  I asked him what kind of tractor the green ones were and he knew John Deere.  I told him what kind the red and blue were and then he went through the entire catalog telling me what they all were.  He said yes ma'am and was just about the cutest thing I've ever seen.  When he ran off to get himself some sweet tea from the dispenser, the lady in the cafe told us that his mother just up and left one day.  Instead of taking him to daycare, his daddy takes him with him to all the different cattle auctions he goes to throughout the week.

I spent nearly 3 hours playing with this little boy and teaching him things.  I wiped his nose and put chapstick on his chapped face.  It was the best day I'd had in so long.  I asked my dad to go with me to the auction again this week.  He jokingly said he didn't want to be a part of me stalking a 4 year old.  I said, "Well, he doesn't have a mama and I don't have a kid."  I'm not sure if I'll go up there tomorrow or not, but I'd love to go hangout and talk tractors with that sweet boy again.

Most Awkward Moment

The other day I experienced the most awkward moment ever except like most things with me, it just kept dragging on and on and on.  I work on a military base, so everyday I have to show my ID at the gate.  One of the gate workers is a lady who used to work for my grandfather.  He passed away three years ago and I've only seen the lady a few times until I started going through that gate this school year.  She is very nice and always asks about my grandmother and mom.  Well last week she asked, "How's the baby? Getting big I bet!".  I said "Oh yeah he's four now."  I assumed she was talking about my youngest nephew.  Because there were other cars behind me, I had to move along.  About 30 seconds down the road I realized she wasn't asking about my nephew.  She was asking about MY baby.  I was pregnant at my grandfather's visitation and she didn't know I'd had a miscarriage and was divorced.  Crap.  How do you tell someone there isn't a baby, three years later?  I called my mom and told her and once again my mom saved me.  She messaged the lady on Facebook and told her.  Needless to say the next time I went through the gate was a little awkward.  The lady rubbed my arm and said my mom had told her about my "troubles" and she hoped I was okay.  Wow.  It's been 3 years since my second miscarriage and 2 years since my divorce.  I work through it and am pretty at peace about it all, but this just totally caught me off guard.  I also felt bad for the lady because she had to feel terrible about it.  Does this stuff ever happen to people in New York or Los Angeles?

Beauty School Dropout

"Beauty School Dropout, you weren't cutout to..." Blah Blah Blah...  Thanks Frankie Avalon!  This song has been stuck in my head all week.  My version is more like grad school dropout though.  Oh yes, I barely even started and I quit.  It was a completely online program which they failed to mention when I applied and was accepted.  When I had the lovely headache for over 2 weeks, I got way behind on my assignments and it just wasn't happening.  Apparently I'm not ready to work and go to school.  I'm seriously bummed and feel like a total loser, but I plan to give myself a year or 2 and try again.  Maybe by then my body will cooperate!  Until then Frankie Avalon is singing me and Frenchy to sleep and I'm working on my plummeting self-esteem.  Life is good!

Things that make me HAPPY

I had a really rough last couple of weeks, so I thought I'd focus on the positive.  Here are a few things that make me happy, some large, some small.

1. Blistex Raspberry Lemonade Chapstick- I have scoured through many stores looking for this stuff. Last time I found it, I bought 3 boxes.

2. Nothing like cheese in a can... Yummm!

 3. Chocolate! I found this picture online, but it has several of my favorites in it.

4. I live on my mac!

5. I bought my first new vehicle this summer.  It was the first time I was able to work the deal myself and everything.  It was a proud moment.  I own a silver 2010 4-door Z71 4x4 Chevrolet Silverado.

6. My bed.

7. My sweet Pepper- She is a 12 year old black lab.  I got her when I was 19.

8. My family and friends- I love ALL of them forever and always, no matter what.

Brain Dead

For the last 2 weeks straight I've had a KILLER headache. This is a typical symptom of my IIH, but pretty debilitating.  I saw the specialist in neurology yesterday and explained that I'm behind on my grad school assignments, I've missed work, and I have no social life.  Everyday I get home from school and I'm in bed by 5:00pm due to a headache and I sleep until the next morning.  I don't go anywhere on the weekends either.  Let's just say I was frustrated when I went to see him yesterday and well pretty desperate.  He's up on all the current research and so we tried 2 different types of injections in my neck, several in the back of my head, and right above my eyebrows in my forehead.  They are basically a nerve block, different than Botox.  Today was a totally different day!  I didn't have a headache!  Everything is a little tender from all the places they stuck a 2 inch needle in my head, but still, better than a headache.  I called my brother to tell him about the procedure and I was explaining how at first my whole head and neck were numb from the forehead back.  It basically was like when you go to the dentist, but all over my head and neck.  It was a really strange feeling.  My brother goes, "So basically you're brain dead."  Yep.

The Help

At the recommendation of a friend, I decided to buy the book, The Help, by Kathryn Stockett.  I actually downloaded it as an audiobook to my iPod.  I've never bought an audiobook before, but I commute 30 minutes to work everyday and I don't have much other free time between work and grad school.  I highly recommend this book!  It is wonderful.  It's set in Jackson, Mississippi in the 1960s and centers around a young white woman and two black maids.  It talks about the love between children and the black maids that raise them, prejudice, and civil rights.  The young white woman is ostracized for sympathizing with and befriending the two black maids.  It's being made into a movie as well and is just a great book.  If you get a chance, pick up The Help!

 

My Life Died

I've been reading my Adolescent Therapy textbook.  It said divorce is like a death.  In the last month I started going back to counseling.  My counselor says that I need to grieve for my life.  She says that between the divorce and my illness, my life as I knew it is gone.  She's right.  Part of it was my choice, but part of it wasn't. 

I had someone to sleep next to at night, to attend functions with, and to share meals with.  I had a beautiful home in the right neighborhood a block over from the small country club.  My husband's family was wonderful and I loved them very much.  I was a member of the local Junior League and we had lots of great friends.  I had a plan and my future was mapped out.  I chose to give all this up though because I couldn't see myself having children with my husband and I wanted children more than I wanted any of that other stuff.

I still had my job and my friends at work.  I also had my friends in my home town.  I moved in with one of my best childhood friends and his wife during my divorce.  I just rented one room from them and it was working out well.  I had company when I needed it.  But I wasn't feeling well.  I kept missing work.  I was soon diagnosed with IIH.  I had to move out of my friends' house and in with my parents.  I continued to miss work, LOTS of work.  I didn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything.  I slept all the time.  I didn't even eat.  I had to use the Emergency Family Medical Leave Act to get extra sick days for work.  My principal was hounding me about when I was coming back, but I didn't have the answer because the doctors didn't have the answer.  They said it could take up to a year for me to feel truly better.  By the end of the school year, my principal put me on the transfer list to go to another school IF any school wanted to hire me.  I basically lost my teaching position. 

I am at a new school now.  I am slowly making new friends, but we don't do things together on the weekends like at my old school.  I'm not involved in any organizations because I'm going to grad school.  I'm trying to make new friends in my small town.  I would like to be in a relationship as well.  My counselor has said though that I need time to grieve before I jump into anything serious.  She's right.  I know she is.  Also,  the biggest blow is I don't know if I'll be able to have children.  At this time, the studies aren't conclusive about my medication.  They don't know if it is safe to take during pregnancy.  I cannot function without medication right now.  My brain and optic nerves become too swollen and it's not safe for my health.  I already went through 2 miscarriages when I was married.  My life really did die.  My dreams died.  It's hit me in the last week that I have to feel all this and really deal with it.  I'm not sure I'm ready to.

My Kind of Salad

Technically I'm supposed to be doing research for a major paper I have due, but the database for the school library is down, so I'm sorta SOL right now.  I decided to make myself a little snack and share it with the rest of y'all.  Now as a rule, I'm just not a fan of vegetables.  I only like a select few and they have to be cooked a certain way.  I've been known to gag if I find one piece of lettuce in my taco.  I hate warm lettuce!  I do NOT eat tomatoes in their raw form at all.  I take vitamins and drink whole fruit smoothie drinks to get my nutrients because it's damn sure not coming from those Jack in the Box tacos at 2 a.m.!  

This afternoon I made my favorite salad.  It doesn't have any of those silly ingredients most salads do.  Here's the recipe for my Frito Salad.

2 small cans of summer sweet corn

2 cups of shredded colby jack cheese

1/2 cup of mayo

1/2 cup of sour cream

1 tablespoon of finely chopped onion ( I used dried onion because I'm not a huge fan of onion texture)

1 full-size bag of Chili-Cheese Fritos

Stir everything together except the Fritos.  Add them and stir as you are ready to serve.

And that my friends is how you make a completely unhealthy salad!

The Saddest Thing I've Ever Read

Dear Sister: Maybe You Will Be Alone Forever

Posted by:Anoymous
2:00PM, Thursday May 13th 2010

I’d like to say I don’t know why you’re letting him back into your life and bask in that ignorance, but I do know why. You’re almost 35 now and want nothing more than a flesh-and-blood child of your own with a man you love—more than you wanted that master’s degree, that great job you have, that beautiful house you bought with your own money or that strong, athletic body you worked so hard to get back after he broke your heart the last time and ran off with someone else.

We were raised to believe that we could have anything we wanted if we worked hard enough for it. We were also raised to believe—through offhanded comments and uncomfortable insinuations—that the most important thing as a woman is to have someone who loves you and to find him before it’s too late.

I understand why you let him come over now that he’s single again, clean out the gutters above the garage, and cook chicken and vegetables on the grill. The online dating sites didn’t work out and all of your friends of friends in that smallish town are married (most with kids), so it’s a comfort to have someone around who’s more than a friend—even if he’d never dare utter the words “I love you” after leading you on for seven years, making you believe he’d commit.

I never told you that he came on to me one night long ago when I was home on vacation from college. I was watching a movie in mom and dad’s room by myself while you were downstairs, probably helping dad with the computer like the patient daughter you are. He came in, sat too close to me and made a comment that made me uncomfortable; I laughed it off and suggested we go downstairs. I guess I never mentioned it to you because I was afraid you’d think I flirted back. 

And I never told you about how years later he told me—with an earnestness that almost made me believe him—that he was going to propose to you. This was after he’d left you, but you—being your forgiving self—had invited him out to the bar because he was “feeling lonely.” I never told you because even though I hoped it was true, I knew he’d never do it, and I didn’t want to give you false hope. 

Sometimes, when you’re able to stop masking your pain with that comedy routine about the last of your viable eggs, you open up to me on the phone. You tell me, with the kind of sincerity that could make cynics weep, that all you want is something simple—a beer on the porch after work with a man who loves you, a family. You tell me that you just want to be touched. Meanwhile, I’m on the other end, unsure what to say, watching my boyfriend make funny faces at me as he cooks us dinner. A lump fills my throat as I fight back tears, both from how sad I feel to know that you’re sad and how unfair it is that I have someone to share these loving acts of simplicity with, and someone as amazing as you does not. 

So what should I tell you over the phone when you say, with what I imagine to be glossy eyes, that it’s no big deal, that the two of you are friends now? I’m too much of a coward to tell you to kick him out of your house. If it makes you feel loved to have him there, the last thing I want to do is take that away from you—even though I know the best thing would be to get tough with you. Sometimes, though, those loving acts of simplicity aren’t so simple. 

Maybe I should try to forget how much he’s hurt you and just trust that you know what’s best for you. Still, I can’t shake the memory of that one time you called me crying after a drunken phone call from him—the one when he called you bad names because you admitted to him that, yes, you had slept with someone in the two years it had been since you broke up. 

So you should tell him to leave, and maybe, after some time alone, all the promises of those tired sayings—“you’ll find someone as soon as you’re happy with yourself” and “it will happen when you least expect it”—will come true. But what if they don’t? We were raised to believe that we could have anything we wanted if we worked hard enough for it. We were also raised to believe—through offhanded comments and uncomfortable insinuations—that the most important thing as a woman is to have someone who loves you and to find him before it’s too late. I know it wasn’t fair, and we fought through it pretty well. But the residue of that upbringing still remains. 

You are the greatest person I know, and you would be an amazing mother. You deserve to have everything you dream about. If you work too hard to find love, though, it seems you never find it. I swear I can hear you doing math in your head, wondering how many years before you could settle down and have a baby if you met someone today. I know because I’ve done similar math in different romantic scenarios. We don’t admit to the calculations, though, because that’s not how strong, smart women like us are supposed to think. 

Maybe you won’t find anyone else. What if, as you fear, you’re alone forever? I love you so much that when that fear causes you pain, it makes my heart hurt. My heart hurts, too, because your fears are the same as mine.  

This was originally posted on thefrisky.com by an anonymous author.  After reading it, I sobbed because these are exactly my own fears.  

It's Fall Y'all

*This entry should be read in your best Texas accent.  Do not pronounce any -ing endings.  Words with a long i sound like right are more like riiight.  Y'all really should be readin' as if you could talk like Sandra Bullock in Hope Floats or Reece Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama.  

If you haven't ever experienced fall in Texas then you might have a hard time understanding how I grew up.  Now I'm not talking about the weather.  We barely even have a weather change for most of what we refer to as fall.  It's still hot as hell here and I've gotten quite a few sunburns on Thanksgiving.  What I'm talking about is culture.

Two very important things start in the fall, football season and hunting season.  That means everyone in my small town does a couple of things.  They go renew their hunting licenses down at Wal-Mart and they go get a new t-shirt in school colors to wear to the games on Friday night.  The newest thing for the ladies is to have our team logo in sequins on their t-shirt!  Yep, small town Texas, people and I love it!

Let me tell you about hunting season first.  Mainly guys and a few girls age five to 75 will sit around any field or small body of water in the evenings.  Around here we call those tanks, but most of the world would refer to them as ponds.  They sit in lawn chairs and lots of them have a cooler of beer, but my family has a no drinking and shooting policy thank goodness!  Everybody waits for the dove to fly over the tank and then BAM, BAM, BAMBAM, the shooting commences!  There could be seven or eight people shooting at the same time.  Sometimes the whole group will only come back with six birds.  Other times they bring back 75.  They clean them and then package them to freeze.  At the end of the season we have a big dove fry and cook the dove several different ways and everyone who hunted brings their family.  My family eats what we hunt.  We do not hunt simply to kill.  On any given weekend there might be three generations sitting at the tank hunting birds- my dad, my brother, and my niece and nephew.

 Pat Green "West Texas Holiday"  Scroll down the page and click on this song.  Pat Green does an awesome job at bringing a little humor to the whole frenzy that is dove season in Texas.

Now onto football.  Football in Texas, and well most of the South for that matter, is a HUGE deal!  Thursday night is 7th,8th, 9th, and junior varisty games.  Friday night is varsity.  Saturday is youth football and of course college games.  Sunday and Monday and whatever other day is Pro football.  We start our kids off in youth football at age six.  At ten years old they practice three days a week.  I'm talking about full-on tackle, not flag football either.  When I went into the hair salon the other day, one of the moms was talking to me about what it would have taken last week for my nephew's team to win.  He's ten.  She was Monday morning quarterbacking the peewee team.  Now that may seem overboard, but at the same time, after every game, my only question to my nephew is did you have FUN and he's having the time of his life!  These boys go on to play middle school and then high school ball and the entire town comes out to watch them.  My family and friends have season tickets to the high school games.  We've had the same seats for as long as I can remember.  We have a block of about 20.  There were eight just from my family there last night.  My dad and my brother played on the varsity team in high school and I imagine my nephews will too.  If they don't though, that's fine, but if they do, we'll be right there where we always are cheering as loud as we can for them.  Friday night football with my family is one of the things I love about being back home! 

Kenny Chesney "The Boys of Fall" Video  This video explains more about the feeling of football than I ever could.

First Week

The first week of school with my students went really well!  I have some sweet kids this year.  They seem so young though!  Every year I forget how much they grow and mature over nine months.  Quite a few of my students from last year dropped by my room to say hi.  That really and truly makes my day.

It was also the first week of this semester of grad school.  So far so good, it seems much slower paced than the summer course.  Thank you Jesus!  I couldn't do two classes like that one.  Now if I can just stay awake long enough when I get home to get my home work done, I'll be doing great!  

The first few weeks back with the kids takes time to get used to.  I'm exhausted!  Good news though, with all this schooling, maybe I won't think about dating and other junk so much. Ha! Yeah right :)

Back to School

School starts Monday.  Wow, my entire summer disappeared in a blur!  This week has been all pointless meetings.  Seriously why do they think we need five days of meetings to remind us how to do a job we went through four years of college for.  It's not like we forgot our entire education over the summer.  We know we are supposed to greet students at the door and smile.  Oh and crap I almost forgot I was supposed to take grades!  I'm so glad I had five days of meetings to relearn how to enter numbers into a computer!  I would be so lost without all of these printed power point handouts in every freaking color of the rainbow.  Seriously, what happened to budget cuts?!? How about using a little less paper, geniuses?  Then maybe we could order desks for our students!  I teach because I love kids.  I don't want to listen to a bunch of adults ramble on.  Thank goodness the little smart mouths will be there Monday.  I really do enjoy them.  They keep me young.  Good luck to my fellow educators and good luck to all the students going back to school!  Your teachers really do love you! :D

The Remaining Bachelors

There are others I went out with that didn't make the list.  Some I still talk to and are nice guys.  Others weren't memorable enough.  I have started to call myself the One Date Wonder lol!  I'm friends with a couple of the guys.  There just wasn't any chemistry.  There are several that I talk to online that I've never met.  We are friends online and we discuss our dating difficulties.  After Stan though, I'm no longer active in the online dating world.  I prefer to meet people through friends or family.  I need references lol!  At one time I was on match.com, Yahoo Personals, eHarmony, chemistry.com, Plenty of Fish, Okcupid, and two others.  I have closed all the paid accounts.  There is one profile left on a free site, that I check every couple of months out of boredom, but I'm definitely jaded.  I'm doing my best to let it happen naturally.  Letting things happen naturally is just not part of my personality, but I'm trying.

Bachelor #5

I met this guy on yahoo personals.  I'll call him Stan.  He is the most pivotal bachelor in my list.  We immediately had lots to talk about and met after a week or two of chatting and talking on the phone.  It went incredibly well.  He was great!  Stan made me feel so good about myself.  He told me I was intelligent and beautiful.  He checked on me almost daily because I was going through testing and trying to figure out what was wrong with my brain before I was officially diagnosed with IIH. 

We continued to talk and tried to see each other when we could, but he lived two hours away.  His job kept him on the road a lot.  Stan's dad went into the hospital right after we met and had major health problems.  He was in his late 70s.  A month or so after we started seeing each other his dad was diagnosed with cancer, so Stan spent every weekend at his parents' ranch trying to help his mom take care of everything.  I got to see him maybe once a month when he could find time, but we talked everyday on the internet and sometimes on the phone.  After seeing each other for several months, he started talking to me about moving to where he lived so he could see me more.  He talked about having children with me and introducing me to his parents and how I'd make a great mother.  He just never had time to see me. 

I was fresh out of an unhappy marriage and saw what I wanted to see.  I missed all the warning signs.  I hated not getting to see him, but he made me feel so good when I was with him.  Stan was also a major manipulator.  When I didn't answer his texts right away, he'd accuse me of cheating on him.  In reality, I was sitting at home missing him and was usually asleep by the time he texted.  Several times I tried to stop talking to him and he would tell me he loved me and that I was breaking his heart.  He said he couldn't lose me and deal with his dad dying of cancer and everything else.  I stayed in this relationship for over six months.  I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, and Spring Break in a relationship, but without him there.  I kept thinking he would have time for me when everything with his dad was sorted out, so I didn't complain or pressure too much.  I even skipped my nephew's birthday party because Stan really needed to see me.  They had gotten a bad report about his dad, so of course I went.  I just got tired of being in a relationship, but being alone all the time.  I missed him so much. 

I had googled him before we met and no red flags showed up.  After being with him for six months, I was so frustrated.  My friend and I were talking about the whole mess and she said, "Something isn't right."  I said, "I know, but I looked him up.  I didn't find anything.  He just doesn't have any time because of his job and his dad has cancer."  My friend being the intelligent woman that she is, decided to research him again.  She came across a woman's name with Stan's on a website, so she looked up the woman on Facebook.  Interestingly enough, the woman's page was public.  My friend was on the phone with me and said to look at the page, so we are simultaneously looking at this random woman's Facebook page.  I'll call her Kristy.  I started looking through her pictures and there was Stan holding puppies that he told me his dog just had.  The puppies I had offered to take care of while he went to his parents.  I continued frantically looking through her pictures and then I come upon them, the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen, their wedding pictures.  According to the date she labeled with the photos, Stan got married the weekend AFTER our first date! 

I was absolutely and completely destroyed.  I cried for hours.  I gained enough composure and called him.  Naturally he didn't answer the phone.  He never answered his phone, so I left him a voicemail.  I said, "I saw your wedding pictures. You and Kristy look very happy together and her dress is beautiful.  I don't know why you chose me to F*&$ with, but don't ever try to contact me again.  Stay away from me."  My message was calm and to the point.  I wanted Stan to know that I saw those pictures and I knew his wife's name.  I don't normally use the F-word either, but I wanted him to know I was serious.  He called me and messaged me all the next day.  I finally answered because I had to know why.  He said sometimes he believed it too.  I didn't know whether to keep crying or punch him in the face. He asked if I was going to tell his wife and he said he was so sorry he hurt me and that he really did love me.  I just replied, "This is how this is going to work.  I won't ever talk to you again and you don't EVER talk to me again.  Stay away from me." 

I thought about what to do for a long time.  I thought about contacting Stan's wife and telling her everything, but I just couldn't.  I realized I didn't want to be the one to ruin her otherwise happy life.  I didn't want to make anyone feel the way he made me feel.  I just couldn't do that.  I hope he never does it again, but he probably will and I'm sorry for her.  All I know is that it has been a year since I told him to stay away and he has.  I just wish the damage wasn't there.  I don't trust men anymore.  He hurt me and burned me.  It left wounds that can only be healed by a good man.  I haven't given up, but I'm much more careful.  Stan made me afraid.  He made me afraid of people from other places.  He made me afraid to date men outside of my little town.  Men in my town are safe because I know them.  I know their family and friends.  I damn sure know they aren't married!  It's very hard to hide anything in a town of 8,000 people!  I hope I meet that man who can help me heal.  In the meantime, I'm waiting (not so) patiently.

Bachelor #4

I can thank match.com for introducing me to this unusual man.  We emailed for a couple days and he suggested we meet for a drink. I knew he had a grown daughter and he said he owned a Mexican restaurant.  Everyone knows how I LOVE some Mexican food, so that was a major plus.  He was 32 and the daughter was 20.  She was his biological niece and his sister had died when the girl was 10 so he adopted her.  That was a reasonable explanation for having a grown child at the age of 32, even somewhat commendable.  We met for a drink and he was decent looking.  However, he brought friends along and they were a strange mix of people.  There was a nice black guy, a white guy dressed like a thug, and a 22 year old girl with pink hair.  They were having quite a few drinks and shots.  I was not impressed.  I was able to talk to my date a little when the rest were dancing.  The more he drank, the more he discussed his life in reality and not what he had implied previously.  He also showed me pictures of his "grandbaby" and she called him Papa.  I don't even have my own children yet!  It was way too weird for me.  Then I asked him about his restaurant and it turns out he did NOT own a Mexican restaurant.  He was a manager for a taco trailer where construction workers get lunch on the job site.  He also was proud to mention he was "on salary now."  Whoo Hoo.  This night went from bad to worse when his friends except for the pink-haired girl left him.  They lived in a town 45 minutes away and had no ride home.  Lucky me, I was sober and could drive... So I drove them home.  Then I had to drive another hour back to my town.  I got a message from him a few days later asking if I'd had a good time.  Umm, what do you think buddy???  I replied that we didn't seem to have much in common.  I don't care if this all makes me sound like an elitist.  I am not going out with a 32 year old man who constantly talks about his grandbaby and runs a taco shack!  So the search continues...

For those of you who aren't familiar, the is an example of a taco trailer.

Bachelor #3

I met the bitter old cat man on okcupid.com. His picture was fairly cute and his profile said he was a couple of inches taller than me which is one of my requirements.  I'm only 5'6", so it's not that hard to find a guy taller than me.  He was an IT guy for a large company and lived around the corner from his ex-wife so he could see his children regularly.  That was weird, but he had a good reason I guess.  He sounded really nice on the phone. We talked for a couple of weeks and decided to have dinner.  I was going through a phase where I was trying to give more guys a chance and look outside of my usual type of guy.  Although we didn't have a lot in common he was intelligent and kind.  He also seemed like a good father.  He griped about his ex-wife a lot though and talked about what a bad mother she was.  He also was a major sci-fi nerd and played computer games every night.  He had two cats as well.  I'm allergic to cats.  That can be a deal breaker.  Something about a man with cats.  It's just weird.  But the real deal breaker was dinner.  I had dressed in a cute sweater and cami, done my hair and make-up, and in general put effort into my appearance.  Dinner was at the Cheesecake Factory, one of my favorite places, so he was getting points for that.  I met him there and he was dressed in shorts, a ratty t-shirt, and old man tennis shoes.  Not to mention he didn't exactly look like his picture.  He was heavier and looked strange, kind of like an elf or dwarf or something.  He was also a few inches shorter than he had claimed on his profile.  His ears turned down like Dopey on Snow White... so not cute on a grown man.  Then came his weird eating habits.  He ate pizza, burgers, steak, and french fries. NOTHING ELSE!  No vegetables, no pasta, rice, NOTHING!  I'll admit I'm a picky eater, but come on man!  He ordered a burger, plain and dry, well done and french fries.  He got a diet coke to drink but didn't use a straw.  Every time he took a drink, he'd take ice in his mouth and then spit it back into his glass. Sick!  His manners were disgusting!  He never once said thank you to the waitress either.  He proceeded to gripe about his ex throughout dinner.  
I ordered water to drink, no appetizer, a half order of pasta, and no dessert!  I tried to pay for my own meal, but he insisted.  I made sure he didn't have to spend too much.  I just wanted the hell out!  I managed to be seated, eat, and pay out during the dinner rush at the Cheesecake Factory in less than an hour!  Tell me that's not a record.  He actually tried to kiss me in the foyer on the way out! Gross! I gave him a side hug and thanked him for dinner.  He got the hint and said, "Catch you later." Ha! I hope not!  This is pretty much what he looked like minus the ponytail and add some round boring glasses. 

Bachelor #2

Oh Mr. eHarmony… This man said he was looking for a long-term relationship. He wasn’t as attractive as Bachelor #1, but he was cute in his own way, very intelligent, seemed to be a good father to his one child, and had a good job. He also attended church almost every Sunday, so I thought our values would be similar.  After many emails over a couple of weeks, he asked me on an actual date. We met at a restaurant and had a great dinner. We talked for probably two hours. Then he suggested we go to a bookstore or something to continue the conversation. I got in his car and off we went. (Yes, I know, I shouldn’t have gotten in his car.) We went to the bookstore and had a great time. He had a really good sense of humor and had lots of interesting topics to discuss. After a couple of hours there he took me back to my car. No hug or kiss, but it seemed to be going well. We continued to talk on the phone over the next two weeks and met again. For our second date, I went to his apartment and then we went to dinner. He invited me back to his apartment to watch a movie. Of course halfway through the movie it turned into a little bit of a make-out session. He suggested sex and I kindly declined. I decided it was a good time to go home and he hugged me goodbye. Four days later I received an email saying he “didn’t think it was wise to pursue this any further”.  Silly me, I thought a nice Christian man would be understanding about not having sex on the second date.

Bachelor #1

I met this man-child on Yahoo Personals.  After a couple of email and text conversations, he asked me if I wanted to meet.  I said sure.  I mean his picture was really cute!   He was 30 and had never had a serious relationship, but that was okay because he was really cute, okay on the verge of HOT.  I know, not a good reason.  I get to his house (I know, stupid) and we are sitting in his living room and he turns on ESPN.   After a while of that he suggests we play Guitar Hero, so we went to the game room. He lived alone and had three flat screen televisions. He owned two cars (one was a BMW) and a motorcycle. It took me about two hours to realize this man was THE perpetual bachelor. He might as well play Geoffrey the Giraffe in the Toys'R'Us commercials singing, "I don't wanna grow up..."  We played Guitar Hero and then watched some more ESPN.  Three hours of sports and video games and I was ready to make my exit.  I got a goodnight kiss at the door.  After a couple of texts we didn’t talk again.  Cute will only get him so far.

You've Gotta Kiss a Lot of Frogs

At the urging of several friends and family members, I’ve decided to write about my experiences in the trenches of online dating.  This would be the preface if it were in book form. I'll be adding postings about the men I met every few days for a while.

I am a 30-year-old teacher from a small town in Texas.  Growing up, my family was very traditional.  I led a pretty sheltered middle class, small town life.  My parents have been married for 37 years and raised me to believe that love is always possible.  My mother used to tell me, “Someday you will find someone as wonderful as your daddy and it will all work out.”

This sentence has been driving me since grade school.  In my daily life, I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman.  But, as soon as a man enters the picture romantically, I become a complete and total idiot.  I lose all logic and the ability to think for myself.  I become a love obsessed, neurotic mess. 

A little of my background information should shed some light on this.  I dated the same guy in my small town during high school and the first part of college.  We broke up every few months, but always ended up back together.  When I went to college, he stayed home.  I came home on weekends.  This was the man I knew I was going to marry.  After four years, he called and said he thought we should just be friends.  At the time I didn’t know he had actually started dating one of my best friends.  What a way to start a friendship! 

Soon after this crushing break-up, I met a wonderfully nice, sweet guy.  He incidentally lived right around the corner, from my ex-boyfriend.  This new guy and I dated for TWO months.  He said he loved me and I was on top of the world.  Someone loved me!  Someone was kind, caring, and considerate.  My family and friends liked him just as much as I did.  After those TWO blissful months, he asked if I wanted to get married.  YES!  Of course I wanted to marry him.  It wasn’t everyday someone suggested marriage and what if I never got asked again?  This was going to be the marriage I’d always dreamed of.  This man loved me!  We were married six months after the engagement. 

We lived in my small town, around the corner from my ex-boyfriend and former friend (they got married and then divorced after she cheated on him) for two years.  I graduated from college and convinced my husband he needed to go to back to school.  We moved five hours away from our family and friends so he could go to the university his uncles and cousin had attended.  I worked full-time teaching school for two years while he finished his degree and worked part-time. 

Finally it was time for him to graduate!  At the urging of his mother, we decided we should live in his hometown, which is larger and would have more job opportunities than my hometown.  It was only 45 minutes from my family, so I felt this would be an acceptable compromise.   We bought the house his parents built and he grew up in.  He went to work with his family after a long and exhausting job search.  I continued to teach school.  I joined the local Junior Service League at the urging of his mother.  We attended the family church at the urging of his mother.  We attended various local charity and social functions at the urging of his mother.  You seeing a trend here?  We hung out with his friends from high school and spent most weekends with his family.  We drove the 45 minutes to see my family about once a month.

In year six of our marriage we decided to start a family.  After two miscarriages, that dream was put on hold.  I was extremely depressed and he became engrossed in his many hobbies.   I went to counseling because I just knew I was the problem.  I was absolutely sure of it.  After quite a bit of counseling and many late nights of thinking, I realized I had married the rebound guy.  I married a man because he was in love with me, but had I taken the time to know if I was in love with him?  No, I hadn’t.  We tried marriage counseling for a while, but after almost eight years, we separated and filed for divorce.  In the words of our counselor, “Sometimes things are just broken and you can’t put them back together.”

I moved back to my hometown and commuted to work.  I was renting a room from some friends and having terrible headaches everyday.  I attributed the headaches to stress from the divorce, but after several months of headaches and a trip to the doctor I found out otherwise.  Two months after I separated from my husband, I was diagnosed with a very odd medical condition that causes swelling in the brain.  At the urging of my parents, I moved home.  Yep, back to my old bedroom and back to my childhood. 

People from a large city might not realize how humbling it is to come back to your hometown after a divorce.  On top of that, I was living with my parents.  Can we say loser?  That was how I felt.  From that driving sentence in my childhood, I knew I just needed to find my great love and everything would work out.  My divorce would be final soon.  I wouldn’t be sick forever and living in my parents’ house was only temporary. 

Because I live in a small town, I decided the internet was the best place to start.  I knew most of the single men in my hometown and I assumed if we were going to date we would have in high school or maybe we actually did.  For that reason, local men were scratched off my list of possible dates.  There was a whole world of people online that I’d never met, so I entered into the world of internet dating.  I joined at least four dating sites to ensure the highest number of possible dates.  Some were free sites and some were paid sites.  I’d find love even if it cost a monthly subscription.  Yes, quantity over quality wasn’t my best idea. 

I am a firm believer that honesty is the best policy, which meant explaining to potential suitors that I was very newly divorced, ill, and living with my parents didn’t exactly bring out the best men.  Most never got past a second or third chat or email without running for the hills.  But what about the ones who did? 

This is where my story begins.  I am going to share my experiences with the various bachelors I met.  I met each of these men online and crashed and burned in some way or another.  After each failed attempt at a real relationship, I would dust myself off, and get back on the net.  After all, they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, so I continued on.  However, in this case it seemed like a plague of frogs similar to the one in Moses’s time!

New Pain

My heart is broken, shattered into jagged pieces.

Some shards so sharp they stab my chest from the inside.

This pain is new. 

Never cried like this before.

Never wailed because a part of me is torn away.

For this pain isn't just about a lost lover.

This pain isn't just for a man I kissed.

This pain is for my friend.

A best friend.

An old friend.

He ripped out my soul and tore it to shreds with his hands.

He left me sobbing alone, empty in the dark.

In the room where he had held me the night before.

Where he said he loved me the night before.

The shards are stabbing me here in the dark.

My tears burn in the cuts from my own heart.

This is a new pain.

This pain for my friend.

This pain for my love.

This pain is new.

Imaginary Tumor

I mentioned in an earlier post that I moved in with my parents during my divorce because I got sick.  When I first separated I actually was renting a room from friends, but then in the middle of the divorce I found out I have a disease called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension aka Pseudotumor Cerebri.  Disease sounds pretty scary so most of the time I just say condition.  It's certainly not contagious.  I had to have an MRI to rule out a brain tumor and I had a spinal tap which was pretty painful.

The simplest way to explain my condition is that my body produces too much spinal fluid which is what cushions the brain in the skull.  That means my brain has too much fluid around it and is under pressure, sometimes extreme pressure.  It can cause my optic nerves to swell also.  The pressure causes MAJOR headaches and dizziness as well as a few other fun things like vision problems.

The name pseudotumor is because some of the symptoms mimic a brain tumor.  It actually means fake tumor.  My family and friends make jokes about things because hey, if you don't laugh about it you'll cry about it.  So, I get teased about my imaginary tumor.  They ask me if I've told whatever guy I'm dating about it yet.  The answer is always NO! :)

To learn more about my condition follow the link below.

iih.org

Ex-Disclaimer

I mentioned more than once that I am divorced and in a previous post I mentioned some of the guys I've dated in the past were some big time losers.  My ex-husband is not someone I'd classify as a loser.  Our marriage didn't work out for many reasons, but he is a good person.  I'm still friends with some of his family members.  He keeps in touch with people in my family.  Odd as it may seem to some, I would not want to intentionally hurt his feelings.  Although I am not in love with him, I will always love him like I love my family and friends.  I will always care what happens to him and wish him the best.  It's very important to me that he know this.  So on the off chance that he reads my blog, there it is.  And if not, at least others will know that it is possible to not hate your ex-husband.

Perfect Doesn't Exist

My dad and my brother recently talked to me on separate occasions about my choice in men.  They both are concerned that I am not choosy enough.  Although, they have differing theories as to why.  Daddy thinks I'm lonely, so I'm settling.  (I'm southern, so I still call my father Daddy. Get over it.)  My brother says I don't think enough of myself, so I don't think I can find anyone better.  I'm not so sure.  They both could be onto something, or maybe nothing at all.  I'm much pickier than they think... HA!  Seriously!  If they only saw the ones I turn down.  That would really freak them out.  Talk about some winners!

A week or so later I was riding around with a friend of mine and we were discussing what my dad and brother thought.  We both came to the conclusion that our families cannot be objective.  Parents want what is best for us. They want everything to be perfect and that includes our significant others.  They want to help us avoid heartbreak.  Even though we all know that's one of the few things you can't protect against.  I also talked to my mother about this and she mentioned perfection as well. Then she laughed because no matter how badly I want the perfect man to come along or my father wants him to come along for me, it's not happening.  Perfect doesn't exist.

A few days ago I had the opportunity to be in the car with my dad for a while.  It was just the two of us, so I mentioned the conversation with my friend and how it's difficult for our families to be objective about us.  He said that of course it was difficult if not impossible for him to be objective about me.  I then mentioned how my grandfather always thought he knew what was best for our family and that maybe Daddy was feeling like that about me.  He looked at me and said, "I honestly don't know what I want for you. I just want you to be happy, but I don't know if that will be single or married or what I want for your life."  That took me by complete surprise because my dad is probably the wisest person I know.  If I'm unsure about something, I ask him so I can get a clear picture of all my options.  He has always known what I should do especially in my professional life, but even in my personal life he has given sound advice and tried to be objective.

Since my divorce and illness, I think I have completely confused my family.  I know I've confused myself!  I had a plan and it was carved out on a narrow path.  After 8 years of working on my path, I realized my plan wasn't going to happen, so I took a bulldozer to the whole damn thing.  The problem is now I can't seem to find my way back to the path or any piece of those old goals whatsoever.  I guess I thought if anyone had some insight into what I should do it would be my dad. 

Apparently though I'm supposed to be an adult and make decisions for myself.  When did that happen?!?  Ugh. Being 30 is so not cool. Ha ha  I can't say I'm young and just make mistakes anymore.  I'm an actual grown up.  With nowhere to turn for answers, I'm floundering as usual.  I just feel completely lost at an age when I thought my life would be tied in a neat little bow.  I realize most people's lives are never tied in that neat little bow, but right now mine is more like the ragged little shoe string that keeps getting stepped on by the kindergartner who still can't tie his shoe laces.

I'm Not a Moron!

I started my first grad class and the professor is very intimidating.  He said anyone who has not taken one of his classes before will get a zero on their first paper and have to redo.  Repeatedly redoing one paper did not sound like how I want to spend my summer, so I drove 2 1/2 hours to meet this man.  Email wasn't doing it for me.  I needed to sit down and ask him questions face to face. I did that and I listened to what he had to say. Then I came home and worked on my paper for 4 days.  The first 4 days of my summer I spent on this paper! Yes, of course I took a few naps and I met friends for drinks (just once though), but for the most part, I was sitting on the couch typing like a maniac.  Don't judge!  It's my summer.  Anyway, the point is, I really did work my tail off on this paper.  I kept thinking I was doing it wrong.  Then I was worried I wasn't citing everything just right.  The night I submitted it I had a nightmare the professor turned me into the dean for plagiarism and was having me kicked out of grad school!  I was a nervous wreck waiting for his comments to see how much of it I was going to have to redo.  I got the paper back the next day and I got an A!!!  I couldn't believe it! He wrote in all caps that I was one of the few people who got credit the first time they submitted a paper to him. All I can say is thank you, Jesus! I am not a complete moron!  There are times I wonder and I KNOW there are times my parents wonder.

Accepted

I was FINALLY accepted to graduate school at the last minute due to a mix up in the admissions department. They lost my transcripts because my last name is different now. When I got divorced, I went back to my maiden name and all of my transcripts were in my married name. I put my former name on all the forms where it asked for former names, but oh well. The point is, I'm accepted!

I was not accepted in time to get financial aid, so I will only be taking one class this first summer session as I am not independently wealthy. Taking only one class is apparently a good thing because by the time I was able to register there was only one available class and it was Education Law. I have been in touch with the professor and he said I couldn't have chosen a more difficult class to start with. Oh joy! Then he said, "but let's not turn back now." So on I go I suppose. I have a feeling this is going to be a bumpy ride, but it's on the road I must take. I know I can do this. I hope I can do this. Dear Lord, please help me get through this.

Giant Tortoise

It's the end of school and summer is near! Thank you Lord! I need summer for my sanity. Things just are not moving along as quickly as I'd like though. I don't have enough time at work, but everything else is going so slowly.

I'm still waiting to hear if I got into grad school. The guy I was talking on the phone to seems to have put me in the friend zone before we even met. I'm just in such a blah mood lately. I need a vacation, just a chance to disappear for a while and relax. I put entirely too much pressure on myself about finding a relationship.

The other day I was talking to a single guy friend. I asked him how his love life was and he said it was pretty slow. He asked how mine was going. I said, "You know that giant tortoise that lives to be like a century old? That slow."

Patience is a Virtue

I went to a wedding this weekend that was so much fun. It was outside and the weather was gorgeous. The reception followed with a crawfish boil and a great DJ. My little brother was the best man. I knew most of the people there. We met the groom when I was maybe five and he and my brother were three, at day care. We've known the bride since at least junior high, if not longer.

What made this wedding extraordinary though is that the bride and groom had been dating since high school, a total of thirteen years! Thirteen freaking years, People! She waited patiently until he was ready. She was ready years ago, but he wasn't, so she kept waiting. (and waiting and waiting)

I will never know how she was so strong and had so much faith for that long, but Saturday was a true testament to the power of a woman's love. I was so proud for them and there were so many beautiful moments that we got to share with them. Her patience and strength gave me new hope. What an inspiration! Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Stewart! I wish you many years of happiness.

I'm Just a Small Girl in a Big World

“I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am pretty, but not beautiful. I have friends, but I am not the peacemaker. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.” -Marilyn Monroe

I have a strange habit of searching for random quotations that mean something to me and saving them. I ran across this one the other night and I thought, "This fits me almost perfectly!". The only difference is I do try to be the peacemaker in my relationships. It spoke to me though. It was as if she knew exactly how I felt! I am most of those things and all I want is LOVE.

 

I was still thinking about this quote the next day on my drive to work and it dawned on me. Marilyn Monroe didn't think she was beautiful?!? How sad it would be to have people all over the world lusting after you and still not think you are beautiful! Did she ever feel beautiful or loved? 

 

I enjoy her movies, but I wouldn't say I am any kind of Marilyn Monroe scholar. I don't know about her childhood. But thinking about how empty she felt makes me think she didn't get the love she needed as a child if people all over the world talked of her beauty and she couldn't see it. 

 

I am blessed to have two very loving parents who always told me I was beautiful, intelligent, funny, and kind. They love me unconditionally. Until I find my great love I know I will always have the love of my family around me. I need a reminder sometimes that is enough.

Latest happenings

In the last week things have gone crazy. My grandfather passed away. The day after his funeral, my grandmother passed out and hit her head, so she was admitted to the hospital. The following day we were told my mother has an aggressive form breast cancer. When I let my cousins know, they said my little cousin was on his way into surgery and had been attacked by a dog and bitten in the face. Needless to say, our family was thinking enough already!!!

So far my grandmother is doing well in the hospital although it has been a week. My little cousin is going to need two more surgeries, but the doctor was able to keep the scar along his smile line and thinks it will heal nicely. The best news of all though is all of the doctors who are scheduling my mom's surgery, radiation, etc. are saying they caught her cancer as early as possible. They are all very positive about her prognosis. We have all been praying that everything continues to go well and that my mom beats this. If anyone can, I know she can! This ribbon is in honor of my mother, Jani.

On a lighter note, I'm finishing up my grad school application. I just have to do the essay. I should start in June if everything goes according to plan! I've also been talking to a really cool guy on the phone for a few weeks now and hoping we can meet soon.

Tex-Mex Love

Yesterday I survived the GRE. My scores are another story, but I think I did well enough to get into my school of choice. So naturally I felt the need to kick back and reward myself a little. I went to one of my favorite places, Chuy's. It's an awesome Tex-Mex restaurant that has several locations around Texas. Much of the decor centers around Elvis, patrons' dogs, local artists, hub caps, and wooden fish. The strawberry margaritas are damn near perfection. Although I didn't have one yesterday since I had to drive an hour back home. Boo. They also make an amazing creamy jalapeno dressing/sauce/dip. Most request it with the chips and salsa, but it's also the sauce on the fish or shrimp tacos and is dressing on their salads. Usually I order the same thing, but sometimes I feel like change just for the sake of change. I always get the Deluxe Chicken Enchiladas. They have an amazing creamy tomatillo sauce. Yesterday though I felt like a change. I ordered the Chuychanga, a chicken chimichanga with the fabulous deluxe tomatillo sauce. In the photo you can see my little piece of Tex-Mex heaven. Normally there would be some sort of pico de gallo and salad garnish, but I'm not a veggie lover so I always opt out. I thoroughly enjoyed my lunch on the patio after the stress of taking the GRE. Ahhh love!

I'm Not Ready!

Here it is after midnight. No surprise there. I never fall asleep before midnight these days, but tonight I really needed to. I'm taking the GRE tomorrow. Eek!

I'm attempting to get into graduate school so I can become a school counselor. I need this, I mean desperately need this. After six years in the classroom, I'm ready for a change. I want to continue working with children. I feel it is my true calling. However, I think I can reach students more effectively in smaller groups. Classes of 30 are becoming overwhelming.

I have studied for this test, but obviously not enough. I feel so unprepared. I've been going over the study book and making flash cards. Tonight I was lying in bed going over the flash cards again. It just seems incredibly daunting. Sooo here I am, with a glass of wine, watching Muppets from Space trying to breathe slowly. This does not bode well for tomorrow. Please just let me do well enough to get into a decent school! I'm not asking for Harvard here, just not the University of Phoenix in Guam okay.

If I can make it through this test, I'll be on my way and waiting on one less thing. Isn't that the point, to change the things I can? This is something I have some control over. This is a way to move my life forward. Wish me luck and that I don't have a panic attack at the testing center!

I'm THAT girl

A couple of days ago I was reading an advice column on The Frisky. A woman was asking how to let her friend know that she was tired of picking up the pieces every time it didn't work out with a guy. Her friend seemed to always settle for losers. The columnist suggested going out for a drink and just explaining that she's tired of seeing her friend go through this over and over and that maybe she should suggest therapy to her friend to find out why she keeps picking guys that aren't good for her. I read the comments at the end and all of them were along the lines of "I have a friend like that. It's hard to tell them you can't deal with the crying anymore."

I emailed the column to one of my best friends who is always there for me when I have dating drama.  Immediately after reading it she replied, "When do you want to go have that drink?". She saw exactly the same thing I did. I'm the friend who keeps settling for losers and calls crying when it doesn't work out. I'm THAT girl.

I'd like to say I turned into her after my divorce, but that's just not the truth. I was that girl from the very beginning. I've been on this great search for love since I was probably six years old. In school, I always "liked" somebody, but rarely went out with them. I had one serious relationship that lasted from my junior year of high school to my sophomore year of college. We broke up and I was devastated. Within months I met my future ex-husband. We were married for almost eight years. Now I find myself back in the land of the single. Maybe I just don't know how to date. I was in serious relationships during the ages most people are out living their single years. But then, how does one learn to date? Suggestions welcome!