Yet Again

Things have been amazing with my best guy friend/I don't know what to call him.  We've been hanging out a lot.  He's been super sweet and even sort of protective.  Last week I met his cousin, then he went with me and one of my friends for drinks.  Yesterday I met another one of his cousins.  It's been great.  Then today he calls and tells me we need some time apart because he has commitment issues and can't be my boyfriend.  Those were his actual words.  I was like what?!?  I told him I hadn't asked him for anything and that I didn't have expectations.  He said I'm a great friend and he didn't want to hold me back from something I deserve.  I explained that I'm perfectly content with how things are.  I reminded him that my life is a complete mess right now and that I don't have room for a boyfriend really.  He was just kind of silent, so I said he should call me when he is ready to hang out again.  Then I hung up the phone and naturally burst into tears.  Why is it that when things are going great, something bad always happens?  I feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up and feeling happy about something.  The worst part is that he really is one of my best friends.  I spend more time with him than anyone and we talk about everything.  I wish he didn't over think everything and start freaking out.  Why do guys think we want to marry them tomorrow?  Seriously, I know that I want a family in the future, but the thought of marriage right now scares me to death.  I have no job and I'm not sure where I'll be living in the future.  I have a freaking brain disease.  My life is so uncertain.  I'm not in a place where I'm really dependable.  I wouldn't make a good wife right now.  I need more time.  I just want what we have to stay the same.  I just want what we have. 

The Latest

It's time for an update on my oh so exciting life.  Things with disability are at a stand still.  I had an attorney who turned out to be less than knowledgeable about anything regarding my specific case.  He couldn't even spell my name right or work his email properly, so I decided to let him go.  I'm currently in the market for a new attorney.  There are NO guys to speak of at all.  Oh, and I got some upsetting news the other day.  My ex husband, who recently got remarried, has had a baby.  I was not upset at all about his marriage.  I'm really happy for him.  I am, of course, also genuinely happy for them about the birth of their daughter.  However, it brought up some serious feelings for me.  It made me think about the two babies we lost and if I'll ever get the chance to be a mother.  I know that with my current health I am not in a position to take care of a child, but I really hope that in the future I can.  Needless to say, it's been a few days of tears at my house. 

So there's the sad news.  Let me share the happy news!  I got a puppy!  Her name is Lola and she is a chihuahua from a rescue group.  She is now four months old.  Her mother was found living under a trailer house, very pregnant, hungry, and covered in fleas.  Mama is now quite healthy as are all seven puppies.  Lola has been so fun and such a mood booster for me.  Even my tough old dad loves her.  I can say without a doubt that puppies truly are the best medicine.  Meet my sweet baby Lola!

Love and Other Drugs

Love and Other Drugs is a movie about a young woman with Parkinson's and her boyfriend as their relationship progresses.  It show the struggles of living with her illness and trying to have a real relationship with a future.  The first time I saw it, I hated it.  It made me cry and it hit way too close to home.  I was watching it with my boyfriend at the time and I could see his face as it was hitting him and he was realizing how similar this girl's situation was to mine.  I saw him thinking how this wasn't what he signed up for.  He really didn't talk to me for the rest of the night.  Needless to say our relationship didn't last.

I thought about the movie several times since then and I watched it again.  This time though I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.  That was a major difference.  I was able to see other similarities besides having a long term illness.  I have a lot to offer the right guy, just like she did.  I will encourage him and build him up.  I also realized that relationship is what I want.  I don't want a knight in shining armor to save me.  I just want the one who will stay around when things get hard.  This is my favorite part of the movie.  It completely sums up how I feel and what I'm waiting for.

Sweet Times

I haven't really posted in a while, so it's time for an update.  Things at work haven't been going too well.  I still enjoy my job, but I've missed a lot due to headaches.  With the help of my boss, I realized it's time to apply for disability.  I'm just getting started in the process, so I'll try to post updates.  On the upside, I've been dating a great guy for about a month.  It was really unexpected.  Things with us are just so easy.  That's a new feeling.  We get along great and I've been very upfront about my condition so he knows exactly what he's getting into with me.  My family really likes him too.  My track record isn't great as you know, so I'm pretty nervous.  I am scared of getting hurt again.  I really really like this guy though and the possible positive outcome far outweighs any negative outcome.  Right now we are trying to take things slowly and  enjoy each other as much as we can!  It's so amazing to feel this happy again :)

Time Stands Still

I have so little inspiration to write lately. I do the same thing every week, go to work, go home, go out with friends on the weekend, go home alone. Pretty uneventful.  Life isn't moving forward and I'm at a point where I don't know how to move it forward.  What do people do when there isn't anything to look forward to?  That's where I'm at right now.

Running on Empty

Lately I feel like I've been running on empty.  I'm exhausted all the time.  I come home from work and go to bed and lots of days I'll sleep until the morning.  I know this is due to my IIH and stress which triggers the symptoms.  Work is going well and isn't the issue.  I just can't shake this feeling that this is it.  This is my life and it's not going to change.  Maybe it's not in the plan for me to have a family.  Maybe finding that great love just isn't going to be part of my life.  It leaves me feeling very empty and hopeless.  My life cannot consist of only what it is now because then there is nothing to look forward to.  How do I accept this?  Is this really God's plan for me?  I'm feeling very broken and need a boost.  I've got to get myself out of this funk!  I've been praying for God to lift this heaviness from my heart.  I remind myself of the good things in my life- friends, family, job, etc.  I just feel like part of me is missing.  I want to be a mother and I want love.  How does a person accept that maybe this isn't going to happen for them?

I Got a Job... Well, Sorta

Things are looking in a slight upward direction.  I have a part-time job, make that very part-time.  I will be tutoring students for a non-profit organization in a low income area.  I'll get a whopping 4.5 hours a week!  I'm also working with kindergarteners, my least favorite age.  Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of excited and a job is a job right.  It will at least fill a time gap on my resume.  Everything with the boyfriend is going pretty well.  I'll be tutoring in Austin, so at least we'll get to see each other more. 

Now if I could only figure out what it is I want to do with my life.  I don't think I'm ready for grad school with my health and I know I can't afford grad school right now.  That rules out law school too.  I feel pretty lost.  It's not only my career either.  I don't know what I want in my personal life, where I should live, anything.  If I find a full-time job, I'm thinking the rest will sort of work itself out.  In the mean time, I'm still waiting :)

Life as I Know it

I've been MIA lately.  I haven't felt like writing and I wasn't sure what to write because I've been dealing with all of these feelings in my head and trying to figure them out. After like eight months, the boyfriend and I are done.  It was his choice, not mine.  We've discussed it several times over the past week and it really is over.  So I was with this guy less than a year.  What's the big deal?  Why am I so broken over it?  I've been doing some serious soul searching to figure out why I'm so torn up over this break up.  Is it really about him?  Yes and no.  Did I love him? Yeah.  Did I love him more than I've loved anyone else ever?  No.  My temporary job ended about the same time as our relationship and I had to leave Austin and come back home.  Again.

Here's what I realized over the past week or so.  I've been waiting for the past three years.  I've been waiting for my life to change.  I've taken steps to change it, but for some reason, it's just not happening.  Maybe there isn't a job in Austin.  No knight in shining armor is going to ride in and save me, that's for sure.  I'm in this position due to my own decisions, but also due to events out of my control.  Basically I have to stop waiting for things to change.  I have to accept that this is my life.  Period.  I live in this little town, in this little house, BY MYSELF.  This is my life.  I have to accept it completely.  I somehow have to come to terms with that.  Am I depressed about it?  Hell yes I am!  I'm teetering on the edge of disappearing into oblivion or sucking it up and cleaning this disaster of a house and just dealing with it.  My current method of dealing with it though is just staying in bed in the dark.  Yes, I realize this is not healthy.  Yes, I realize I sound whiny and pathetic. 

I know there are starving people in Africa and homeless people all over the world.  I know there are people who don't have a family to support them and help them.  I'm working really hard to remember this and try not to feel too sorry for myself.  Finally accepting my life is going to take some time though.

Hurry Up and Wait

So I had my interview on Tuesday.  It was going really well right up until the end.  I felt comfortable talking to them.  I had good informative answers to their questions.  I smiled and made eye contact with both people.  I asked good questions.  Then it was almost time to go.  They hadn't asked why I wasn't teaching anymore or why I left my job.  I knew that if they called my principal and asked about my attendance record it wouldn't be pretty.  I had been advised by my dad and Cely to go ahead and tell them I had some health issues.  It came to the end of the interview and I told them I had one more thing I wanted to mention.  I said part of the reason I wasn't teaching anymore is because I'd had some health problems and if they asked my principal about my attendance record, it is what it is due to my health.  That's where the interview came to a screeching halt. Cue car crash noises.  The two interviewers kind of looked at me for a minute.  Then the man said they wouldn't call my principal, that staff services would and only to verify employment.  They wouldn't ask any other questions of previous employers.  I said, "Oh, ok, well, I just wanted to be upfront and honest.  I hope this doesn't have any bearing on whether or not I get the position."  Yeah right.  That's like telling a jury to disregard everything they just heard.  It's out there and you can't erase people's memories, no matter how badly I want to.

I haven't heard anything yet.  They interviewed 12 people and hadn't decided if they were going to have a 2nd round of interviews.  I should know if I got the job, need to interview again, or didn't get the job by tomorrow or early next week.  I felt so good about it until the end and I walked out totally deflated.  I hope they liked me enough to overlook my health issues statement.  At least I didn't blurt out that it's a brain disease!  I'm just waiting to hear.  Yep, waiting as usual...

IIH/Pseudotumor Cerebri Promise

I've been feeling pretty down about my health lately and came across this on a Facebook support group page.


I promise to accept the fact that I have PTC, a neurological disorder which will limit my abilities in my every day life.

While I will always have PTC, some days will be good, and some days will be bad. I will be thankful for the good days and try to make the most of them. When I am having a bad day, I will try to remember that most likely it will not last.

When I am having a bad day, I will listen to my body, and get the rest that I need. I will let my family know that I am not feeling well, because they cannot read my mind.

I will not feel guilty about resting, because I will eventually begin to feel better, and in the long run, it will also benefit my family. They will not become malnourished if they eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.

I will not feel guilty or worry about the work that is not getting done while I am resting. The world will not fall apart without me, even though it looks like it already has.

I will not let anyone else make me feel guilty for taking time out for myself. They will never understand exactly what I am experiencing, the pain I feel, the exhaustion that I feel. They will never understand the fear that I feel when my symptoms creep up on me, and land me flat on my back.

I promise not to feel sorry for myself when I am feeling bad, because there are a lot of people out there who are in worse shape than I am. I will not be sorry for what I don't have, but be thankful for what I do have.

I promise to learn a lesson from my illness, which is not to take life for granted. I will try to enjoy every moment that was given to me, and be thankful for the times I can smile and laugh.

I will try to help others who also suffer from my condition. There are many confused and frightened people who need to hear comforting words from someone who has been there. There are many people who need me to take his or her hand, and be pointed in the right direction.

Lastly, I will not ask "Why me?" While PTC has weakened my physical body, it has strengthened my heart, my soul, and my spirit.

Sheila Reilly

Poor House Here I Come!

Oh crap!  What have I done?!?  Did I really just send in my letter of resignation before I have another job lined up???  Yes, yes, I did.  What the hell am I thinking, you ask.  Actually, I ask this as well.  Basically I am in a position to where I can do only what's best for me OR I can do what's good for me and best for others.  I chose the latter.  At least my resignation isn't official until June 3, but come June 3, I will no longer have health insurance.  Shit.  I HAVE lost my mind!

I know that right now I am physically unable to be a good teacher and the type of teacher I want to be.  I'm looking for a part-time or work from home position so I can concentrate on my health and then hopefully start on my master's again.  I have had a phone interview and an email about two potential jobs, so I'm keeping faith I'll find something soon.  I just hope it's not minimum wage.  I am absolutely freaking out here! 

My school district is laying off over 200 teachers.  But, I have the chance to give one of those 200 people another chance by freeing up a position.  I will no longer let another group of students down.  My coworkers will have someone they can actually depend on next year.  I can't imagine having a job I love and then being told I won't have it anymore.  Oh wait... yes I do, except I'm being told that I can't teach at all.  I'm no longer capable of working with children full-time.  Anyway, my point is that I can't fix my situation right now, but maybe I can help someone else stay in the classroom. 

Here's to hoping I find a job, keep my sanity, and don't have to turn in my beautiful truck!  Think happy thoughts and pray for me!  And if you hear of a job possibility, by all means, let me know!

Sick!

Yep, that's right, I'm sick!  To anyone who reads my blog or knows me, this isn't news lol.  I wish I could say it was just mentally, but no such luck.  I seem to be a walking infection.  In the last three weeks I've had a biopsy, bacterial infection, and now a virus.  That of course is on top of my regular headaches.  So, what does this mean for me?  

Well I've started looking for a new job/career.  I'm looking for a work from home or part-time position.  It also needs to be a quiet, low stress environment.  Ha!  I know.  Where the hell are those jobs?  My pharmacist's wife suggested maybe a funeral home. (Yes, I'm quite familiar with my pharmacy staff.)  I started to roll my eyes, but then I actually considered it for a minute.  It's definitely quiet!  

I started really applying for jobs this week though.  So far, the only one I've heard back from is for a personal assistant job.  The only problem is that after I sent my resume with ALL my contact information, I received a more complete job description from the gentleman.  No, it's not what you're thinking.  He didn't want any sort of relations, but he wanted me to mail checks for him to people that he was getting wrecked cars from because he sells the cars out of the country.  He would give me account numbers etc. and I was supposed to do the rest.  He said he lived in New York and was an American citizen.  Why would he want a personal assistant in Texas and why did he feel the need to tell me he's a citizen?  At the very least I think he could be dealing in stolen cars or wanting me to launder money.  Um yeah, I said no thank you.  Let's not forget though that he has my home address and phone number.  I have a feeling this one is going to come back to bite me!  I'm still waiting to hear back from several other, hopefully more legitimate, prospects.

The other thing that concerns me about being sick is the people I love.  My friends at work and my students pretty much think I've fallen off the planet.  My parents are torn between worrying about me and telling me to suck it up and go to work.  And then, there is my fairly new relationship.  I've found this great guy.  I'm just so terrified he's going to get fed up with my health issues.  He has shown me no indication that he is annoyed at all.  He checks on me and is really great.  The worries I have aren't based on anything he's said or done, but I guess more on my past relationships.  My ex-husband literally would leave the house when I didn't feel good because he just could not stand to be around sick people.  In his mind, people who get sick are weak.  Most guys I talked to after my divorce ran for the hills when I mentioned I have a health condition.  My boyfriend is absolutely amazing though which is probably why I'm so afraid of it not working out.  I'm working with my counselor on these insecurities.  

What is all this rambling about...  Well, let's sum it up into three goals.  Find a new job, get healthy, fight my neurotic tendencies.  Those are all pretty simple right :P

Cry Baby

I'm a cry baby.  I cry when I get angry and when I'm upset.  Last year I started BAWLING because I thought my principal was going to retire.  I teared up when my 10 year old nephew caught an interception during his football game because I was so damn proud of him.  I cry during movies like Steel Magnolias, Brokeback Mountain, and even episodes of Bones.  In the last few years though I've cried a LOT, mainly because I'm heartbroken, feeling the emptiness of not having children, or grieving for loved ones who died or are suffering.  I've also cried when I was in pain and frustrated with IIH.  There has been so much to cry about in the last few years, but now I have a new reason to cry.

Tonight I cried tears of pure JOY.  They came streaming down my face and continue as I write this.  As I cried, I put my hands together and prayed.  Out loud.  I usually pray a silent prayer every night, but never out loud when I'm alone.  Tonight though I prayed out loud and I thanked God.  I thanked Him for answering my little prayers. 

Why am I thanking Him?  Because after praying for years to meet a good man, a kind man, a loving man, God put this man in front of me.  About three weeks ago I decided to try online dating one last time.  I decided to be much pickier this time.  I knew what I didn't want for sure.  I worked on my profile and had a guy friend look over it.  Then I began searching.  I glanced over a few profiles, but nothing really stood out.  Then I saw his.  He's my age, the build I prefer, a non-smoker, no cats, and we had quite a few similiar interests.  What really caught my eye though was his writing.  He wrote his profile as if it were important.  There were no errors or shorthand text lingo.  He put thought into it.  I messaged him and said I enjoyed reading his profile and listed some things we have in common.  Then said he should check out my profile and message if he was interested.  Within a few hours we were chatting online.  The next night we were talking on the phone.  We talked for hours each day either online or on the phone.  Two weeks ago we had our first date.  I was so nervous after being on one crappy date after another.  Once I was with him for a few minutes though, it turned into a nervous excitement.  He was so easy to talk to.  He planned the date and took me to a restaurant I had casually mentioned in conversation that was good.  This guy listened to me!  After dinner he took me to see a band he thought I'd like based on our mutual music tastes.  He had tickets reserved so we just had to walk in.  He checked my coat and opened doors, including the car door!  The band was really good.  I remember how they sounded, but I couldn't tell you a single song they sang.  I was too amazed at this man.  He was a gentleman. He paid attention to things I mentioned casually.  He planned our date out to the last detail.  He complimented me.  He gave me a goodnight kiss and then I went home.  A friend asked me how our date was and I said, "It was probably..." and I thought of a past date to compare it to, like one of the top five dates.  Then it came to me.  I said, "It was probably THE best date I've ever had." 

We talked everyday after that and had our second date yesterday.  We went to one of my favorite restaurants.  He already had it planned out.  Then we went to a hockey game.  It was something I'd mentioned in conversation that I thought was fun.  It was just as awesome as the first date.  

I almost feel like I'm holding my breath because I'm so used to things failing.  He likes me as much as I like him though, even more if that's possible.  He takes the time to plan dates we'll both enjoy.  He calls me every night and texts me at least once each day.  For the first time ever I'm on the same page with a guy.  We have discussed not rushing things even though we both feel like this is going somewhere.  We're still in the kissing phase and it's a good phase.  We're taking time to really get to know each other.  I'm not going to meet his children for a while.  That was something I mentioned first, but he was in total agreement on.  He agreed and said, "Absolutely, I don't want to introduce anyone to my kids until I know we're a team."  That just somehow seemed like the right answer to me.  

For now I'm enjoying the tears and letting them flow.  Hopefully I can write more about him in the future.  But, if nothing really comes of this relationship, I'll be okay because at least now I know there are truly good men out there.

Pin Cushion

For the last 3 weeks I've been going to an acupuncturist.  At this point I'm desperate to find anything that will help.  I've tried medicines, ice packs, nerve blocks in my head and neck, a caffeine cocktail IV, and spinal taps.  After a month off work something better work or I'll lose my job and that means I lose my health insurance.

A Vietnamese woman my mom knows recommended I try acupuncture and told us where to go.  This sweet Korean lady has her PhD and retired from nursing in the U.S.  She has been working to help my headaches, back pain from the spinal tap, and upset stomach from all the medications I take.

I was amazed at what she could tell from looking at my tongue and asking me some questions.  She is very insightful, but above that, I feel better.  I actually feel better!  I'm drinking a different pH water from her also.  She had me cut out cheese which was difficult- lol.  It's working to the point I've been able to lower my dosage on one medication and completely quit taking another two.  This woman is truly a gift from God.  She talks to me about my broken heart and shares about her own divorce.  I leave there every time feeling renewed. 

My grandma would always equate getting shots and having blood drawn to feeling like a pin cushion.  I'm sure I look like a giant pin cushion during my sessions!  I feel like one sometimes, but I'm just so grateful to feel better that it really doesn't matter.

Good Day

For the last 3 weeks, I've been off work.  I had to have a spinal tap and have been extremely ill.  I won't be returning to work until January and I miss my students terribly.  I've been pretty down lately.  Last week my parents were at the cattle auction in town and asked me to meet them up there after my doctor's appointment.  

I went up there to sit with my dad and there was this little kid running around the auction barn.  He had a snotty nose and was just filthy, but absolutely adorable in his cowboy boots and wrangler jeans.  He would sit and sing really loud and play like he had a guitar for a while.  Then he'd run around and jump up and down the bleachers.  As he's running by, the old men would talk to him a little and they apparently knew who he was.  My dad said he's there every week.  The whole time he's doing this, the auction is going on and cattle are coming through and it doesn't phase him or anyone else.  My dad pointed out his father and told me he was a cattle buyer for one of the large companies that sends cattle to the stockyards.  I started talking to the little boy and he told me his name and and that he was 4 years old. Then as he ran around he'd come back and talk to me a little. 

After a while my parents and I went into the cafe area to get a burger.  This adorable little guy came and sat with me and I gave him my chips.  He didn't want part of the burger.  He was perusing a tractor catalog and could tell me what was a combine versus a tractor or a bulldozer.  I asked him what kind of tractor the green ones were and he knew John Deere.  I told him what kind the red and blue were and then he went through the entire catalog telling me what they all were.  He said yes ma'am and was just about the cutest thing I've ever seen.  When he ran off to get himself some sweet tea from the dispenser, the lady in the cafe told us that his mother just up and left one day.  Instead of taking him to daycare, his daddy takes him with him to all the different cattle auctions he goes to throughout the week.

I spent nearly 3 hours playing with this little boy and teaching him things.  I wiped his nose and put chapstick on his chapped face.  It was the best day I'd had in so long.  I asked my dad to go with me to the auction again this week.  He jokingly said he didn't want to be a part of me stalking a 4 year old.  I said, "Well, he doesn't have a mama and I don't have a kid."  I'm not sure if I'll go up there tomorrow or not, but I'd love to go hangout and talk tractors with that sweet boy again.

Beauty School Dropout

"Beauty School Dropout, you weren't cutout to..." Blah Blah Blah...  Thanks Frankie Avalon!  This song has been stuck in my head all week.  My version is more like grad school dropout though.  Oh yes, I barely even started and I quit.  It was a completely online program which they failed to mention when I applied and was accepted.  When I had the lovely headache for over 2 weeks, I got way behind on my assignments and it just wasn't happening.  Apparently I'm not ready to work and go to school.  I'm seriously bummed and feel like a total loser, but I plan to give myself a year or 2 and try again.  Maybe by then my body will cooperate!  Until then Frankie Avalon is singing me and Frenchy to sleep and I'm working on my plummeting self-esteem.  Life is good!

Brain Dead

For the last 2 weeks straight I've had a KILLER headache. This is a typical symptom of my IIH, but pretty debilitating.  I saw the specialist in neurology yesterday and explained that I'm behind on my grad school assignments, I've missed work, and I have no social life.  Everyday I get home from school and I'm in bed by 5:00pm due to a headache and I sleep until the next morning.  I don't go anywhere on the weekends either.  Let's just say I was frustrated when I went to see him yesterday and well pretty desperate.  He's up on all the current research and so we tried 2 different types of injections in my neck, several in the back of my head, and right above my eyebrows in my forehead.  They are basically a nerve block, different than Botox.  Today was a totally different day!  I didn't have a headache!  Everything is a little tender from all the places they stuck a 2 inch needle in my head, but still, better than a headache.  I called my brother to tell him about the procedure and I was explaining how at first my whole head and neck were numb from the forehead back.  It basically was like when you go to the dentist, but all over my head and neck.  It was a really strange feeling.  My brother goes, "So basically you're brain dead."  Yep.

My Life Died

I've been reading my Adolescent Therapy textbook.  It said divorce is like a death.  In the last month I started going back to counseling.  My counselor says that I need to grieve for my life.  She says that between the divorce and my illness, my life as I knew it is gone.  She's right.  Part of it was my choice, but part of it wasn't. 

I had someone to sleep next to at night, to attend functions with, and to share meals with.  I had a beautiful home in the right neighborhood a block over from the small country club.  My husband's family was wonderful and I loved them very much.  I was a member of the local Junior League and we had lots of great friends.  I had a plan and my future was mapped out.  I chose to give all this up though because I couldn't see myself having children with my husband and I wanted children more than I wanted any of that other stuff.

I still had my job and my friends at work.  I also had my friends in my home town.  I moved in with one of my best childhood friends and his wife during my divorce.  I just rented one room from them and it was working out well.  I had company when I needed it.  But I wasn't feeling well.  I kept missing work.  I was soon diagnosed with IIH.  I had to move out of my friends' house and in with my parents.  I continued to miss work, LOTS of work.  I didn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything.  I slept all the time.  I didn't even eat.  I had to use the Emergency Family Medical Leave Act to get extra sick days for work.  My principal was hounding me about when I was coming back, but I didn't have the answer because the doctors didn't have the answer.  They said it could take up to a year for me to feel truly better.  By the end of the school year, my principal put me on the transfer list to go to another school IF any school wanted to hire me.  I basically lost my teaching position. 

I am at a new school now.  I am slowly making new friends, but we don't do things together on the weekends like at my old school.  I'm not involved in any organizations because I'm going to grad school.  I'm trying to make new friends in my small town.  I would like to be in a relationship as well.  My counselor has said though that I need time to grieve before I jump into anything serious.  She's right.  I know she is.  Also,  the biggest blow is I don't know if I'll be able to have children.  At this time, the studies aren't conclusive about my medication.  They don't know if it is safe to take during pregnancy.  I cannot function without medication right now.  My brain and optic nerves become too swollen and it's not safe for my health.  I already went through 2 miscarriages when I was married.  My life really did die.  My dreams died.  It's hit me in the last week that I have to feel all this and really deal with it.  I'm not sure I'm ready to.

Bachelor #5

I met this guy on yahoo personals.  I'll call him Stan.  He is the most pivotal bachelor in my list.  We immediately had lots to talk about and met after a week or two of chatting and talking on the phone.  It went incredibly well.  He was great!  Stan made me feel so good about myself.  He told me I was intelligent and beautiful.  He checked on me almost daily because I was going through testing and trying to figure out what was wrong with my brain before I was officially diagnosed with IIH. 

We continued to talk and tried to see each other when we could, but he lived two hours away.  His job kept him on the road a lot.  Stan's dad went into the hospital right after we met and had major health problems.  He was in his late 70s.  A month or so after we started seeing each other his dad was diagnosed with cancer, so Stan spent every weekend at his parents' ranch trying to help his mom take care of everything.  I got to see him maybe once a month when he could find time, but we talked everyday on the internet and sometimes on the phone.  After seeing each other for several months, he started talking to me about moving to where he lived so he could see me more.  He talked about having children with me and introducing me to his parents and how I'd make a great mother.  He just never had time to see me. 

I was fresh out of an unhappy marriage and saw what I wanted to see.  I missed all the warning signs.  I hated not getting to see him, but he made me feel so good when I was with him.  Stan was also a major manipulator.  When I didn't answer his texts right away, he'd accuse me of cheating on him.  In reality, I was sitting at home missing him and was usually asleep by the time he texted.  Several times I tried to stop talking to him and he would tell me he loved me and that I was breaking his heart.  He said he couldn't lose me and deal with his dad dying of cancer and everything else.  I stayed in this relationship for over six months.  I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, and Spring Break in a relationship, but without him there.  I kept thinking he would have time for me when everything with his dad was sorted out, so I didn't complain or pressure too much.  I even skipped my nephew's birthday party because Stan really needed to see me.  They had gotten a bad report about his dad, so of course I went.  I just got tired of being in a relationship, but being alone all the time.  I missed him so much. 

I had googled him before we met and no red flags showed up.  After being with him for six months, I was so frustrated.  My friend and I were talking about the whole mess and she said, "Something isn't right."  I said, "I know, but I looked him up.  I didn't find anything.  He just doesn't have any time because of his job and his dad has cancer."  My friend being the intelligent woman that she is, decided to research him again.  She came across a woman's name with Stan's on a website, so she looked up the woman on Facebook.  Interestingly enough, the woman's page was public.  My friend was on the phone with me and said to look at the page, so we are simultaneously looking at this random woman's Facebook page.  I'll call her Kristy.  I started looking through her pictures and there was Stan holding puppies that he told me his dog just had.  The puppies I had offered to take care of while he went to his parents.  I continued frantically looking through her pictures and then I come upon them, the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen, their wedding pictures.  According to the date she labeled with the photos, Stan got married the weekend AFTER our first date! 

I was absolutely and completely destroyed.  I cried for hours.  I gained enough composure and called him.  Naturally he didn't answer the phone.  He never answered his phone, so I left him a voicemail.  I said, "I saw your wedding pictures. You and Kristy look very happy together and her dress is beautiful.  I don't know why you chose me to F*&$ with, but don't ever try to contact me again.  Stay away from me."  My message was calm and to the point.  I wanted Stan to know that I saw those pictures and I knew his wife's name.  I don't normally use the F-word either, but I wanted him to know I was serious.  He called me and messaged me all the next day.  I finally answered because I had to know why.  He said sometimes he believed it too.  I didn't know whether to keep crying or punch him in the face. He asked if I was going to tell his wife and he said he was so sorry he hurt me and that he really did love me.  I just replied, "This is how this is going to work.  I won't ever talk to you again and you don't EVER talk to me again.  Stay away from me." 

I thought about what to do for a long time.  I thought about contacting Stan's wife and telling her everything, but I just couldn't.  I realized I didn't want to be the one to ruin her otherwise happy life.  I didn't want to make anyone feel the way he made me feel.  I just couldn't do that.  I hope he never does it again, but he probably will and I'm sorry for her.  All I know is that it has been a year since I told him to stay away and he has.  I just wish the damage wasn't there.  I don't trust men anymore.  He hurt me and burned me.  It left wounds that can only be healed by a good man.  I haven't given up, but I'm much more careful.  Stan made me afraid.  He made me afraid of people from other places.  He made me afraid to date men outside of my little town.  Men in my town are safe because I know them.  I know their family and friends.  I damn sure know they aren't married!  It's very hard to hide anything in a town of 8,000 people!  I hope I meet that man who can help me heal.  In the meantime, I'm waiting (not so) patiently.

You've Gotta Kiss a Lot of Frogs

At the urging of several friends and family members, I’ve decided to write about my experiences in the trenches of online dating.  This would be the preface if it were in book form. I'll be adding postings about the men I met every few days for a while.

I am a 30-year-old teacher from a small town in Texas.  Growing up, my family was very traditional.  I led a pretty sheltered middle class, small town life.  My parents have been married for 37 years and raised me to believe that love is always possible.  My mother used to tell me, “Someday you will find someone as wonderful as your daddy and it will all work out.”

This sentence has been driving me since grade school.  In my daily life, I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman.  But, as soon as a man enters the picture romantically, I become a complete and total idiot.  I lose all logic and the ability to think for myself.  I become a love obsessed, neurotic mess. 

A little of my background information should shed some light on this.  I dated the same guy in my small town during high school and the first part of college.  We broke up every few months, but always ended up back together.  When I went to college, he stayed home.  I came home on weekends.  This was the man I knew I was going to marry.  After four years, he called and said he thought we should just be friends.  At the time I didn’t know he had actually started dating one of my best friends.  What a way to start a friendship! 

Soon after this crushing break-up, I met a wonderfully nice, sweet guy.  He incidentally lived right around the corner, from my ex-boyfriend.  This new guy and I dated for TWO months.  He said he loved me and I was on top of the world.  Someone loved me!  Someone was kind, caring, and considerate.  My family and friends liked him just as much as I did.  After those TWO blissful months, he asked if I wanted to get married.  YES!  Of course I wanted to marry him.  It wasn’t everyday someone suggested marriage and what if I never got asked again?  This was going to be the marriage I’d always dreamed of.  This man loved me!  We were married six months after the engagement. 

We lived in my small town, around the corner from my ex-boyfriend and former friend (they got married and then divorced after she cheated on him) for two years.  I graduated from college and convinced my husband he needed to go to back to school.  We moved five hours away from our family and friends so he could go to the university his uncles and cousin had attended.  I worked full-time teaching school for two years while he finished his degree and worked part-time. 

Finally it was time for him to graduate!  At the urging of his mother, we decided we should live in his hometown, which is larger and would have more job opportunities than my hometown.  It was only 45 minutes from my family, so I felt this would be an acceptable compromise.   We bought the house his parents built and he grew up in.  He went to work with his family after a long and exhausting job search.  I continued to teach school.  I joined the local Junior Service League at the urging of his mother.  We attended the family church at the urging of his mother.  We attended various local charity and social functions at the urging of his mother.  You seeing a trend here?  We hung out with his friends from high school and spent most weekends with his family.  We drove the 45 minutes to see my family about once a month.

In year six of our marriage we decided to start a family.  After two miscarriages, that dream was put on hold.  I was extremely depressed and he became engrossed in his many hobbies.   I went to counseling because I just knew I was the problem.  I was absolutely sure of it.  After quite a bit of counseling and many late nights of thinking, I realized I had married the rebound guy.  I married a man because he was in love with me, but had I taken the time to know if I was in love with him?  No, I hadn’t.  We tried marriage counseling for a while, but after almost eight years, we separated and filed for divorce.  In the words of our counselor, “Sometimes things are just broken and you can’t put them back together.”

I moved back to my hometown and commuted to work.  I was renting a room from some friends and having terrible headaches everyday.  I attributed the headaches to stress from the divorce, but after several months of headaches and a trip to the doctor I found out otherwise.  Two months after I separated from my husband, I was diagnosed with a very odd medical condition that causes swelling in the brain.  At the urging of my parents, I moved home.  Yep, back to my old bedroom and back to my childhood. 

People from a large city might not realize how humbling it is to come back to your hometown after a divorce.  On top of that, I was living with my parents.  Can we say loser?  That was how I felt.  From that driving sentence in my childhood, I knew I just needed to find my great love and everything would work out.  My divorce would be final soon.  I wouldn’t be sick forever and living in my parents’ house was only temporary. 

Because I live in a small town, I decided the internet was the best place to start.  I knew most of the single men in my hometown and I assumed if we were going to date we would have in high school or maybe we actually did.  For that reason, local men were scratched off my list of possible dates.  There was a whole world of people online that I’d never met, so I entered into the world of internet dating.  I joined at least four dating sites to ensure the highest number of possible dates.  Some were free sites and some were paid sites.  I’d find love even if it cost a monthly subscription.  Yes, quantity over quality wasn’t my best idea. 

I am a firm believer that honesty is the best policy, which meant explaining to potential suitors that I was very newly divorced, ill, and living with my parents didn’t exactly bring out the best men.  Most never got past a second or third chat or email without running for the hills.  But what about the ones who did? 

This is where my story begins.  I am going to share my experiences with the various bachelors I met.  I met each of these men online and crashed and burned in some way or another.  After each failed attempt at a real relationship, I would dust myself off, and get back on the net.  After all, they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, so I continued on.  However, in this case it seemed like a plague of frogs similar to the one in Moses’s time!