The Latest

It's time for an update on my oh so exciting life.  Things with disability are at a stand still.  I had an attorney who turned out to be less than knowledgeable about anything regarding my specific case.  He couldn't even spell my name right or work his email properly, so I decided to let him go.  I'm currently in the market for a new attorney.  There are NO guys to speak of at all.  Oh, and I got some upsetting news the other day.  My ex husband, who recently got remarried, has had a baby.  I was not upset at all about his marriage.  I'm really happy for him.  I am, of course, also genuinely happy for them about the birth of their daughter.  However, it brought up some serious feelings for me.  It made me think about the two babies we lost and if I'll ever get the chance to be a mother.  I know that with my current health I am not in a position to take care of a child, but I really hope that in the future I can.  Needless to say, it's been a few days of tears at my house. 

So there's the sad news.  Let me share the happy news!  I got a puppy!  Her name is Lola and she is a chihuahua from a rescue group.  She is now four months old.  Her mother was found living under a trailer house, very pregnant, hungry, and covered in fleas.  Mama is now quite healthy as are all seven puppies.  Lola has been so fun and such a mood booster for me.  Even my tough old dad loves her.  I can say without a doubt that puppies truly are the best medicine.  Meet my sweet baby Lola!

Just When I Think I Know...

Just when I think I understand what is going on, it changes! I have been crying myself to sleep for the last few days missing my boyfriend.  We've talked off and on about it.  Tonight he asked to talk again.  It looks like we're going to try and work things out.  Thank God!  I've been a mess and not a hot mess either!  I'm not giving the nitty gritty details on here.  Basically, when someone has been through a divorce, relationships are harder.  People have more fear and anxiety.  It takes a long time to heal from a divorce.  I've had a couple more years than he has.  I think we're going to get through it together though.  I really hope so.  I was a sad little girl.  There's a good chance I was the number one customer at the bar for a few days.  I missed him so much.  I missed his kiddos too.  I don't like back and forth and I've been pretty harsh about other people that have those types of relationships, but I just can't quit.  I'm not giving up on him.  Guess that means I love him, huh.

Life as I Know it

I've been MIA lately.  I haven't felt like writing and I wasn't sure what to write because I've been dealing with all of these feelings in my head and trying to figure them out. After like eight months, the boyfriend and I are done.  It was his choice, not mine.  We've discussed it several times over the past week and it really is over.  So I was with this guy less than a year.  What's the big deal?  Why am I so broken over it?  I've been doing some serious soul searching to figure out why I'm so torn up over this break up.  Is it really about him?  Yes and no.  Did I love him? Yeah.  Did I love him more than I've loved anyone else ever?  No.  My temporary job ended about the same time as our relationship and I had to leave Austin and come back home.  Again.

Here's what I realized over the past week or so.  I've been waiting for the past three years.  I've been waiting for my life to change.  I've taken steps to change it, but for some reason, it's just not happening.  Maybe there isn't a job in Austin.  No knight in shining armor is going to ride in and save me, that's for sure.  I'm in this position due to my own decisions, but also due to events out of my control.  Basically I have to stop waiting for things to change.  I have to accept that this is my life.  Period.  I live in this little town, in this little house, BY MYSELF.  This is my life.  I have to accept it completely.  I somehow have to come to terms with that.  Am I depressed about it?  Hell yes I am!  I'm teetering on the edge of disappearing into oblivion or sucking it up and cleaning this disaster of a house and just dealing with it.  My current method of dealing with it though is just staying in bed in the dark.  Yes, I realize this is not healthy.  Yes, I realize I sound whiny and pathetic. 

I know there are starving people in Africa and homeless people all over the world.  I know there are people who don't have a family to support them and help them.  I'm working really hard to remember this and try not to feel too sorry for myself.  Finally accepting my life is going to take some time though.

What Happened to Fidelity?

I was talking to a friend the other day and I learned something disheartening.  A couple we both know aren't as strong as they seem.  He has had an affair and encouraged his friend to do the same.  They are active in church and she is always posting how much she loves her husband and what a great marriage they have.  She has no idea who he really is.  What's even worse is the girl he had an affair with was married to another friend of mine and she left him without saying why.  He doesn't know who she really is either.  These people have children.  This particular circle of affairs just keeps going and doesn't seem to have an end in sight.  What is wrong with my generation?  Why is it so difficult for us to be faithful?  Is infidelity more likely to occur in a small town like mine or is it just that everyone is connected, so everyone knows?  This conversation makes me want to run screaming into the night from my little town.  Just last week I posted about strong relationships and the ones I've grown up watching.  Is it just my generation?  Are we simply that selfish?  Considering that I have strong hopes of getting married and having a family someday, this knowledge is extremely unsettling.  Maybe we just aren't working hard enough.  Maybe my generation isn't putting in the elbow grease required to make things last.  I really wish I knew the answers to this one.  There are plenty of other species that mate for life.  Here are some animals we could learn a thing or two from.

Gibbons     French Angelfish     Condors     Swans     Black Vultures      Wolves     Bald Eagles     Beavers     Coyotes     Albatrosses     Turtle Doves     Prairie Voles

Elbow Grease

I grew up with several very strong couples.  I've watched them throughout my life.  I've seen them struggle and I've seem them succeed.  These couples taught me an invaluable lesson.  Relationships are hard work.  Anyone who expects a relationship to be easy is going to be sorely disappointed.  One person can't carry a relationship either.  Both people have to work hard and make a conscious effort to stay together.

I've dated different types of guys over the years.  Some didn't want to work at the relationship even though they wanted it to work out very badly.  Some didn't want to work at the relationship because I wasn't all that important.  I was simply convenient.  I wasn't the one.  Some just thought relationships are easy and love is enough.

Through my own struggles I've realized that I work harder to make relationships work than anything else in my life.  I put the relationship before my job, my friends, even my family at times.  I've also realized that I work very hard at relationships with people I know aren't good for me.  I will kill myself trying to bend and twist to the needs of someone that doesn't feel the same for me.  Any chance at love and I become a contortionist trying to fit myself into someone's life.  The problem is that often he never intended to make me a real part of his life.  I was hoping for something that just wasn't there.

Hopefully this time I've gotten it right. I love my boyfriend and he and I are going to work together on this!

Just Kidding

Seems all that excitement last week was for nothing.  We found an apartment and I accepted a job, but it's not happening.  We are not moving in together.  There were several factors involved, but basically he isn't ready yet.  I'm okay with that.  I am extremely disappointed, but we're still together and that is much more important than when we take the next step.  I had my crying, sobbing fit.  The next day we talked though and we both love each other, so the rest will come together.  I have faith.  I'm having a hard time dealing with the disappointment though.  I understand all the reasons in my rational brain, but the rest of me, the not so rational part, is so hurt.  I'm feeling very alone right now.  We had started making decisions as a team and within a few days we are back to making decisions as individuals.  I was getting used to the idea that I'd get to wake up to his face everyday.  I actually read a book about step parenting.  I went through my cooking repertoire to figure out meals he would like and how to make them lower in carbs because he is diabetic.  I started planning exactly where everything would go in our tiny apartment so the kids would have as much space as possible and we could all be comfortable.  I had already decorated the walls and arranged the furniture in my mind.  Yes, I realize this all sounds somewhat obsessive, but I was just so excited and well, my mind moves quickly.  I'm working on remembering to just be happy in the moment and enjoy when we are together.  I'm trying to keep the disappointment at bay.  I'm trying not to start so many sentences with I!  No doubt, that gets annoying. 

I do have a plan though.  I ordered a laptop today so I can start looking for work from home jobs.  Come June 3, I have to turn in this beautiful Mac because it is property of my school district.  So, my new laptop will be here in a week.  Then I can go to my grandmother's and start really applying for the jobs.  I live in the middle of nowhere and can only get satellite internet.  My grandmother has broadband.  Most of the jobs have technology requirements and broadband or DSL is a biggie.  During the application process, they check your connection speed and the sound and video quality of your computer.  Hence, why I have to wait to start applying.  About going to my grandmother's, anyone who knows me, knows that my grandmother and I have a somewhat awkward relationship.  I love her dearly, but she might be one of the most oblivious people in the world.  She just doesn't understand modern things.  I have a clear picture of her coming in and asking me if I want some lunch, a drink, a snack, the blinds open, the blinds closed, the fan on, the fan off, or something else totally random, while I'm in the middle of some major call.  Bless her heart.  You may also be wondering how I bought a laptop when I have no income.  Ha!  Welcome to Texas.  I will be selling two cows.  I get two cows a year from my parents.  This year it's going to a laptop.  Incidentally, I sold two cows to pay for my divorce two years ago and my debt last year.  Please go ahead and laugh because everyone else already is.  Anyway, back to the plan.  Hopefully I'll get a job that pays enough, so I can still move to the big city.  I'll just be moving on my own, but that's okay.  It'll be good for me.  We'll be like Carrie and Big for the first few years.  Kidding, I'm so kidding!

 

These are our cows.  Don't worry, I'm not selling the little ones.

Sick!

Yep, that's right, I'm sick!  To anyone who reads my blog or knows me, this isn't news lol.  I wish I could say it was just mentally, but no such luck.  I seem to be a walking infection.  In the last three weeks I've had a biopsy, bacterial infection, and now a virus.  That of course is on top of my regular headaches.  So, what does this mean for me?  

Well I've started looking for a new job/career.  I'm looking for a work from home or part-time position.  It also needs to be a quiet, low stress environment.  Ha!  I know.  Where the hell are those jobs?  My pharmacist's wife suggested maybe a funeral home. (Yes, I'm quite familiar with my pharmacy staff.)  I started to roll my eyes, but then I actually considered it for a minute.  It's definitely quiet!  

I started really applying for jobs this week though.  So far, the only one I've heard back from is for a personal assistant job.  The only problem is that after I sent my resume with ALL my contact information, I received a more complete job description from the gentleman.  No, it's not what you're thinking.  He didn't want any sort of relations, but he wanted me to mail checks for him to people that he was getting wrecked cars from because he sells the cars out of the country.  He would give me account numbers etc. and I was supposed to do the rest.  He said he lived in New York and was an American citizen.  Why would he want a personal assistant in Texas and why did he feel the need to tell me he's a citizen?  At the very least I think he could be dealing in stolen cars or wanting me to launder money.  Um yeah, I said no thank you.  Let's not forget though that he has my home address and phone number.  I have a feeling this one is going to come back to bite me!  I'm still waiting to hear back from several other, hopefully more legitimate, prospects.

The other thing that concerns me about being sick is the people I love.  My friends at work and my students pretty much think I've fallen off the planet.  My parents are torn between worrying about me and telling me to suck it up and go to work.  And then, there is my fairly new relationship.  I've found this great guy.  I'm just so terrified he's going to get fed up with my health issues.  He has shown me no indication that he is annoyed at all.  He checks on me and is really great.  The worries I have aren't based on anything he's said or done, but I guess more on my past relationships.  My ex-husband literally would leave the house when I didn't feel good because he just could not stand to be around sick people.  In his mind, people who get sick are weak.  Most guys I talked to after my divorce ran for the hills when I mentioned I have a health condition.  My boyfriend is absolutely amazing though which is probably why I'm so afraid of it not working out.  I'm working with my counselor on these insecurities.  

What is all this rambling about...  Well, let's sum it up into three goals.  Find a new job, get healthy, fight my neurotic tendencies.  Those are all pretty simple right :P

Pin Cushion

For the last 3 weeks I've been going to an acupuncturist.  At this point I'm desperate to find anything that will help.  I've tried medicines, ice packs, nerve blocks in my head and neck, a caffeine cocktail IV, and spinal taps.  After a month off work something better work or I'll lose my job and that means I lose my health insurance.

A Vietnamese woman my mom knows recommended I try acupuncture and told us where to go.  This sweet Korean lady has her PhD and retired from nursing in the U.S.  She has been working to help my headaches, back pain from the spinal tap, and upset stomach from all the medications I take.

I was amazed at what she could tell from looking at my tongue and asking me some questions.  She is very insightful, but above that, I feel better.  I actually feel better!  I'm drinking a different pH water from her also.  She had me cut out cheese which was difficult- lol.  It's working to the point I've been able to lower my dosage on one medication and completely quit taking another two.  This woman is truly a gift from God.  She talks to me about my broken heart and shares about her own divorce.  I leave there every time feeling renewed. 

My grandma would always equate getting shots and having blood drawn to feeling like a pin cushion.  I'm sure I look like a giant pin cushion during my sessions!  I feel like one sometimes, but I'm just so grateful to feel better that it really doesn't matter.

My Life Died

I've been reading my Adolescent Therapy textbook.  It said divorce is like a death.  In the last month I started going back to counseling.  My counselor says that I need to grieve for my life.  She says that between the divorce and my illness, my life as I knew it is gone.  She's right.  Part of it was my choice, but part of it wasn't. 

I had someone to sleep next to at night, to attend functions with, and to share meals with.  I had a beautiful home in the right neighborhood a block over from the small country club.  My husband's family was wonderful and I loved them very much.  I was a member of the local Junior League and we had lots of great friends.  I had a plan and my future was mapped out.  I chose to give all this up though because I couldn't see myself having children with my husband and I wanted children more than I wanted any of that other stuff.

I still had my job and my friends at work.  I also had my friends in my home town.  I moved in with one of my best childhood friends and his wife during my divorce.  I just rented one room from them and it was working out well.  I had company when I needed it.  But I wasn't feeling well.  I kept missing work.  I was soon diagnosed with IIH.  I had to move out of my friends' house and in with my parents.  I continued to miss work, LOTS of work.  I didn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything.  I slept all the time.  I didn't even eat.  I had to use the Emergency Family Medical Leave Act to get extra sick days for work.  My principal was hounding me about when I was coming back, but I didn't have the answer because the doctors didn't have the answer.  They said it could take up to a year for me to feel truly better.  By the end of the school year, my principal put me on the transfer list to go to another school IF any school wanted to hire me.  I basically lost my teaching position. 

I am at a new school now.  I am slowly making new friends, but we don't do things together on the weekends like at my old school.  I'm not involved in any organizations because I'm going to grad school.  I'm trying to make new friends in my small town.  I would like to be in a relationship as well.  My counselor has said though that I need time to grieve before I jump into anything serious.  She's right.  I know she is.  Also,  the biggest blow is I don't know if I'll be able to have children.  At this time, the studies aren't conclusive about my medication.  They don't know if it is safe to take during pregnancy.  I cannot function without medication right now.  My brain and optic nerves become too swollen and it's not safe for my health.  I already went through 2 miscarriages when I was married.  My life really did die.  My dreams died.  It's hit me in the last week that I have to feel all this and really deal with it.  I'm not sure I'm ready to.

You've Gotta Kiss a Lot of Frogs

At the urging of several friends and family members, I’ve decided to write about my experiences in the trenches of online dating.  This would be the preface if it were in book form. I'll be adding postings about the men I met every few days for a while.

I am a 30-year-old teacher from a small town in Texas.  Growing up, my family was very traditional.  I led a pretty sheltered middle class, small town life.  My parents have been married for 37 years and raised me to believe that love is always possible.  My mother used to tell me, “Someday you will find someone as wonderful as your daddy and it will all work out.”

This sentence has been driving me since grade school.  In my daily life, I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman.  But, as soon as a man enters the picture romantically, I become a complete and total idiot.  I lose all logic and the ability to think for myself.  I become a love obsessed, neurotic mess. 

A little of my background information should shed some light on this.  I dated the same guy in my small town during high school and the first part of college.  We broke up every few months, but always ended up back together.  When I went to college, he stayed home.  I came home on weekends.  This was the man I knew I was going to marry.  After four years, he called and said he thought we should just be friends.  At the time I didn’t know he had actually started dating one of my best friends.  What a way to start a friendship! 

Soon after this crushing break-up, I met a wonderfully nice, sweet guy.  He incidentally lived right around the corner, from my ex-boyfriend.  This new guy and I dated for TWO months.  He said he loved me and I was on top of the world.  Someone loved me!  Someone was kind, caring, and considerate.  My family and friends liked him just as much as I did.  After those TWO blissful months, he asked if I wanted to get married.  YES!  Of course I wanted to marry him.  It wasn’t everyday someone suggested marriage and what if I never got asked again?  This was going to be the marriage I’d always dreamed of.  This man loved me!  We were married six months after the engagement. 

We lived in my small town, around the corner from my ex-boyfriend and former friend (they got married and then divorced after she cheated on him) for two years.  I graduated from college and convinced my husband he needed to go to back to school.  We moved five hours away from our family and friends so he could go to the university his uncles and cousin had attended.  I worked full-time teaching school for two years while he finished his degree and worked part-time. 

Finally it was time for him to graduate!  At the urging of his mother, we decided we should live in his hometown, which is larger and would have more job opportunities than my hometown.  It was only 45 minutes from my family, so I felt this would be an acceptable compromise.   We bought the house his parents built and he grew up in.  He went to work with his family after a long and exhausting job search.  I continued to teach school.  I joined the local Junior Service League at the urging of his mother.  We attended the family church at the urging of his mother.  We attended various local charity and social functions at the urging of his mother.  You seeing a trend here?  We hung out with his friends from high school and spent most weekends with his family.  We drove the 45 minutes to see my family about once a month.

In year six of our marriage we decided to start a family.  After two miscarriages, that dream was put on hold.  I was extremely depressed and he became engrossed in his many hobbies.   I went to counseling because I just knew I was the problem.  I was absolutely sure of it.  After quite a bit of counseling and many late nights of thinking, I realized I had married the rebound guy.  I married a man because he was in love with me, but had I taken the time to know if I was in love with him?  No, I hadn’t.  We tried marriage counseling for a while, but after almost eight years, we separated and filed for divorce.  In the words of our counselor, “Sometimes things are just broken and you can’t put them back together.”

I moved back to my hometown and commuted to work.  I was renting a room from some friends and having terrible headaches everyday.  I attributed the headaches to stress from the divorce, but after several months of headaches and a trip to the doctor I found out otherwise.  Two months after I separated from my husband, I was diagnosed with a very odd medical condition that causes swelling in the brain.  At the urging of my parents, I moved home.  Yep, back to my old bedroom and back to my childhood. 

People from a large city might not realize how humbling it is to come back to your hometown after a divorce.  On top of that, I was living with my parents.  Can we say loser?  That was how I felt.  From that driving sentence in my childhood, I knew I just needed to find my great love and everything would work out.  My divorce would be final soon.  I wouldn’t be sick forever and living in my parents’ house was only temporary. 

Because I live in a small town, I decided the internet was the best place to start.  I knew most of the single men in my hometown and I assumed if we were going to date we would have in high school or maybe we actually did.  For that reason, local men were scratched off my list of possible dates.  There was a whole world of people online that I’d never met, so I entered into the world of internet dating.  I joined at least four dating sites to ensure the highest number of possible dates.  Some were free sites and some were paid sites.  I’d find love even if it cost a monthly subscription.  Yes, quantity over quality wasn’t my best idea. 

I am a firm believer that honesty is the best policy, which meant explaining to potential suitors that I was very newly divorced, ill, and living with my parents didn’t exactly bring out the best men.  Most never got past a second or third chat or email without running for the hills.  But what about the ones who did? 

This is where my story begins.  I am going to share my experiences with the various bachelors I met.  I met each of these men online and crashed and burned in some way or another.  After each failed attempt at a real relationship, I would dust myself off, and get back on the net.  After all, they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, so I continued on.  However, in this case it seemed like a plague of frogs similar to the one in Moses’s time!

Ex-Disclaimer

I mentioned more than once that I am divorced and in a previous post I mentioned some of the guys I've dated in the past were some big time losers.  My ex-husband is not someone I'd classify as a loser.  Our marriage didn't work out for many reasons, but he is a good person.  I'm still friends with some of his family members.  He keeps in touch with people in my family.  Odd as it may seem to some, I would not want to intentionally hurt his feelings.  Although I am not in love with him, I will always love him like I love my family and friends.  I will always care what happens to him and wish him the best.  It's very important to me that he know this.  So on the off chance that he reads my blog, there it is.  And if not, at least others will know that it is possible to not hate your ex-husband.

Perfect Doesn't Exist

My dad and my brother recently talked to me on separate occasions about my choice in men.  They both are concerned that I am not choosy enough.  Although, they have differing theories as to why.  Daddy thinks I'm lonely, so I'm settling.  (I'm southern, so I still call my father Daddy. Get over it.)  My brother says I don't think enough of myself, so I don't think I can find anyone better.  I'm not so sure.  They both could be onto something, or maybe nothing at all.  I'm much pickier than they think... HA!  Seriously!  If they only saw the ones I turn down.  That would really freak them out.  Talk about some winners!

A week or so later I was riding around with a friend of mine and we were discussing what my dad and brother thought.  We both came to the conclusion that our families cannot be objective.  Parents want what is best for us. They want everything to be perfect and that includes our significant others.  They want to help us avoid heartbreak.  Even though we all know that's one of the few things you can't protect against.  I also talked to my mother about this and she mentioned perfection as well. Then she laughed because no matter how badly I want the perfect man to come along or my father wants him to come along for me, it's not happening.  Perfect doesn't exist.

A few days ago I had the opportunity to be in the car with my dad for a while.  It was just the two of us, so I mentioned the conversation with my friend and how it's difficult for our families to be objective about us.  He said that of course it was difficult if not impossible for him to be objective about me.  I then mentioned how my grandfather always thought he knew what was best for our family and that maybe Daddy was feeling like that about me.  He looked at me and said, "I honestly don't know what I want for you. I just want you to be happy, but I don't know if that will be single or married or what I want for your life."  That took me by complete surprise because my dad is probably the wisest person I know.  If I'm unsure about something, I ask him so I can get a clear picture of all my options.  He has always known what I should do especially in my professional life, but even in my personal life he has given sound advice and tried to be objective.

Since my divorce and illness, I think I have completely confused my family.  I know I've confused myself!  I had a plan and it was carved out on a narrow path.  After 8 years of working on my path, I realized my plan wasn't going to happen, so I took a bulldozer to the whole damn thing.  The problem is now I can't seem to find my way back to the path or any piece of those old goals whatsoever.  I guess I thought if anyone had some insight into what I should do it would be my dad. 

Apparently though I'm supposed to be an adult and make decisions for myself.  When did that happen?!?  Ugh. Being 30 is so not cool. Ha ha  I can't say I'm young and just make mistakes anymore.  I'm an actual grown up.  With nowhere to turn for answers, I'm floundering as usual.  I just feel completely lost at an age when I thought my life would be tied in a neat little bow.  I realize most people's lives are never tied in that neat little bow, but right now mine is more like the ragged little shoe string that keeps getting stepped on by the kindergartner who still can't tie his shoe laces.

I'm THAT girl

A couple of days ago I was reading an advice column on The Frisky. A woman was asking how to let her friend know that she was tired of picking up the pieces every time it didn't work out with a guy. Her friend seemed to always settle for losers. The columnist suggested going out for a drink and just explaining that she's tired of seeing her friend go through this over and over and that maybe she should suggest therapy to her friend to find out why she keeps picking guys that aren't good for her. I read the comments at the end and all of them were along the lines of "I have a friend like that. It's hard to tell them you can't deal with the crying anymore."

I emailed the column to one of my best friends who is always there for me when I have dating drama.  Immediately after reading it she replied, "When do you want to go have that drink?". She saw exactly the same thing I did. I'm the friend who keeps settling for losers and calls crying when it doesn't work out. I'm THAT girl.

I'd like to say I turned into her after my divorce, but that's just not the truth. I was that girl from the very beginning. I've been on this great search for love since I was probably six years old. In school, I always "liked" somebody, but rarely went out with them. I had one serious relationship that lasted from my junior year of high school to my sophomore year of college. We broke up and I was devastated. Within months I met my future ex-husband. We were married for almost eight years. Now I find myself back in the land of the single. Maybe I just don't know how to date. I was in serious relationships during the ages most people are out living their single years. But then, how does one learn to date? Suggestions welcome!

The Beginning

For those of you wondering what is in store on this fairly ordinary blog, it will be pretty varied. I've been toying with the idea of posting the debacles that are my life, my general feelings at times, restaurant reviews, book reviews, and anything else that I might want to share.

I'll start with me though. I am a 30 year old woman who still feels like a 17 year old girl at times.  In the past three years my life has taken some very dramatic turns. Most of the time I can find humor in it all. My friends and family certainly have! 

I'm wrapping up my sixth year of teaching middle school with plans of starting my master's to become a school counselor. It is impossible to be happy teaching middle school students unless you can laugh at yourself because believe me, they are laughing at you! Those kids have the ability to humble me like no other, but they also make me feel so incredibly loved. I go to work each day with a purpose.

I'm also SINGLE. That is capitalized because it seems to be a huge theme swirling around my current situation in life. I was married for a long time and then suddenly I wasn't. All those plans little girls make about a home, family, etc., yeah, I threw those right out the window. I moved back to my small home town and next door to my parents. Most of the time I wonder what the hell am I thinking, but the rest doesn't work with out LOVE. I never saw myself starting fresh at 30, but here I am. Oddly enough, I'm HAPPY with my life. Just missing a few things to be complete. I'm on that ever so popular quest to find the love of my life. I'm looking for the right man and hoping for those babies someday, but in the mean time, I am LIVING and enjoying the adventures my new life is presenting.