Imaginary Tumor

I mentioned in an earlier post that I moved in with my parents during my divorce because I got sick.  When I first separated I actually was renting a room from friends, but then in the middle of the divorce I found out I have a disease called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension aka Pseudotumor Cerebri.  Disease sounds pretty scary so most of the time I just say condition.  It's certainly not contagious.  I had to have an MRI to rule out a brain tumor and I had a spinal tap which was pretty painful.

The simplest way to explain my condition is that my body produces too much spinal fluid which is what cushions the brain in the skull.  That means my brain has too much fluid around it and is under pressure, sometimes extreme pressure.  It can cause my optic nerves to swell also.  The pressure causes MAJOR headaches and dizziness as well as a few other fun things like vision problems.

The name pseudotumor is because some of the symptoms mimic a brain tumor.  It actually means fake tumor.  My family and friends make jokes about things because hey, if you don't laugh about it you'll cry about it.  So, I get teased about my imaginary tumor.  They ask me if I've told whatever guy I'm dating about it yet.  The answer is always NO! :)

To learn more about my condition follow the link below.

iih.org

Ex-Disclaimer

I mentioned more than once that I am divorced and in a previous post I mentioned some of the guys I've dated in the past were some big time losers.  My ex-husband is not someone I'd classify as a loser.  Our marriage didn't work out for many reasons, but he is a good person.  I'm still friends with some of his family members.  He keeps in touch with people in my family.  Odd as it may seem to some, I would not want to intentionally hurt his feelings.  Although I am not in love with him, I will always love him like I love my family and friends.  I will always care what happens to him and wish him the best.  It's very important to me that he know this.  So on the off chance that he reads my blog, there it is.  And if not, at least others will know that it is possible to not hate your ex-husband.

Perfect Doesn't Exist

My dad and my brother recently talked to me on separate occasions about my choice in men.  They both are concerned that I am not choosy enough.  Although, they have differing theories as to why.  Daddy thinks I'm lonely, so I'm settling.  (I'm southern, so I still call my father Daddy. Get over it.)  My brother says I don't think enough of myself, so I don't think I can find anyone better.  I'm not so sure.  They both could be onto something, or maybe nothing at all.  I'm much pickier than they think... HA!  Seriously!  If they only saw the ones I turn down.  That would really freak them out.  Talk about some winners!

A week or so later I was riding around with a friend of mine and we were discussing what my dad and brother thought.  We both came to the conclusion that our families cannot be objective.  Parents want what is best for us. They want everything to be perfect and that includes our significant others.  They want to help us avoid heartbreak.  Even though we all know that's one of the few things you can't protect against.  I also talked to my mother about this and she mentioned perfection as well. Then she laughed because no matter how badly I want the perfect man to come along or my father wants him to come along for me, it's not happening.  Perfect doesn't exist.

A few days ago I had the opportunity to be in the car with my dad for a while.  It was just the two of us, so I mentioned the conversation with my friend and how it's difficult for our families to be objective about us.  He said that of course it was difficult if not impossible for him to be objective about me.  I then mentioned how my grandfather always thought he knew what was best for our family and that maybe Daddy was feeling like that about me.  He looked at me and said, "I honestly don't know what I want for you. I just want you to be happy, but I don't know if that will be single or married or what I want for your life."  That took me by complete surprise because my dad is probably the wisest person I know.  If I'm unsure about something, I ask him so I can get a clear picture of all my options.  He has always known what I should do especially in my professional life, but even in my personal life he has given sound advice and tried to be objective.

Since my divorce and illness, I think I have completely confused my family.  I know I've confused myself!  I had a plan and it was carved out on a narrow path.  After 8 years of working on my path, I realized my plan wasn't going to happen, so I took a bulldozer to the whole damn thing.  The problem is now I can't seem to find my way back to the path or any piece of those old goals whatsoever.  I guess I thought if anyone had some insight into what I should do it would be my dad. 

Apparently though I'm supposed to be an adult and make decisions for myself.  When did that happen?!?  Ugh. Being 30 is so not cool. Ha ha  I can't say I'm young and just make mistakes anymore.  I'm an actual grown up.  With nowhere to turn for answers, I'm floundering as usual.  I just feel completely lost at an age when I thought my life would be tied in a neat little bow.  I realize most people's lives are never tied in that neat little bow, but right now mine is more like the ragged little shoe string that keeps getting stepped on by the kindergartner who still can't tie his shoe laces.

I'm Not a Moron!

I started my first grad class and the professor is very intimidating.  He said anyone who has not taken one of his classes before will get a zero on their first paper and have to redo.  Repeatedly redoing one paper did not sound like how I want to spend my summer, so I drove 2 1/2 hours to meet this man.  Email wasn't doing it for me.  I needed to sit down and ask him questions face to face. I did that and I listened to what he had to say. Then I came home and worked on my paper for 4 days.  The first 4 days of my summer I spent on this paper! Yes, of course I took a few naps and I met friends for drinks (just once though), but for the most part, I was sitting on the couch typing like a maniac.  Don't judge!  It's my summer.  Anyway, the point is, I really did work my tail off on this paper.  I kept thinking I was doing it wrong.  Then I was worried I wasn't citing everything just right.  The night I submitted it I had a nightmare the professor turned me into the dean for plagiarism and was having me kicked out of grad school!  I was a nervous wreck waiting for his comments to see how much of it I was going to have to redo.  I got the paper back the next day and I got an A!!!  I couldn't believe it! He wrote in all caps that I was one of the few people who got credit the first time they submitted a paper to him. All I can say is thank you, Jesus! I am not a complete moron!  There are times I wonder and I KNOW there are times my parents wonder.