Brighter Days

So everything with the best guy friend are back to normal.  I guess he actually listened to what I said because he called the very next day.  Didn't take to long for him to think about things! Lol  I'm still waiting to hear back about grad school.  Some how my transcript has been misplaced by the university and they can't accept me until they locate it.  If I send a new one it is considered late.  I gave them the tracking number, date and time, plus the person who signed for it on their campus.  But, some how it's still missing!  Ugh!  I'm pretty frustrated with the whole thing, but still praying I get accepted.  This is my hope for a future and I'm not giving up yet!

I Got a Job... Well, Sorta

Things are looking in a slight upward direction.  I have a part-time job, make that very part-time.  I will be tutoring students for a non-profit organization in a low income area.  I'll get a whopping 4.5 hours a week!  I'm also working with kindergarteners, my least favorite age.  Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of excited and a job is a job right.  It will at least fill a time gap on my resume.  Everything with the boyfriend is going pretty well.  I'll be tutoring in Austin, so at least we'll get to see each other more. 

Now if I could only figure out what it is I want to do with my life.  I don't think I'm ready for grad school with my health and I know I can't afford grad school right now.  That rules out law school too.  I feel pretty lost.  It's not only my career either.  I don't know what I want in my personal life, where I should live, anything.  If I find a full-time job, I'm thinking the rest will sort of work itself out.  In the mean time, I'm still waiting :)

Poor House Here I Come!

Oh crap!  What have I done?!?  Did I really just send in my letter of resignation before I have another job lined up???  Yes, yes, I did.  What the hell am I thinking, you ask.  Actually, I ask this as well.  Basically I am in a position to where I can do only what's best for me OR I can do what's good for me and best for others.  I chose the latter.  At least my resignation isn't official until June 3, but come June 3, I will no longer have health insurance.  Shit.  I HAVE lost my mind!

I know that right now I am physically unable to be a good teacher and the type of teacher I want to be.  I'm looking for a part-time or work from home position so I can concentrate on my health and then hopefully start on my master's again.  I have had a phone interview and an email about two potential jobs, so I'm keeping faith I'll find something soon.  I just hope it's not minimum wage.  I am absolutely freaking out here! 

My school district is laying off over 200 teachers.  But, I have the chance to give one of those 200 people another chance by freeing up a position.  I will no longer let another group of students down.  My coworkers will have someone they can actually depend on next year.  I can't imagine having a job I love and then being told I won't have it anymore.  Oh wait... yes I do, except I'm being told that I can't teach at all.  I'm no longer capable of working with children full-time.  Anyway, my point is that I can't fix my situation right now, but maybe I can help someone else stay in the classroom. 

Here's to hoping I find a job, keep my sanity, and don't have to turn in my beautiful truck!  Think happy thoughts and pray for me!  And if you hear of a job possibility, by all means, let me know!

Beauty School Dropout

"Beauty School Dropout, you weren't cutout to..." Blah Blah Blah...  Thanks Frankie Avalon!  This song has been stuck in my head all week.  My version is more like grad school dropout though.  Oh yes, I barely even started and I quit.  It was a completely online program which they failed to mention when I applied and was accepted.  When I had the lovely headache for over 2 weeks, I got way behind on my assignments and it just wasn't happening.  Apparently I'm not ready to work and go to school.  I'm seriously bummed and feel like a total loser, but I plan to give myself a year or 2 and try again.  Maybe by then my body will cooperate!  Until then Frankie Avalon is singing me and Frenchy to sleep and I'm working on my plummeting self-esteem.  Life is good!

Brain Dead

For the last 2 weeks straight I've had a KILLER headache. This is a typical symptom of my IIH, but pretty debilitating.  I saw the specialist in neurology yesterday and explained that I'm behind on my grad school assignments, I've missed work, and I have no social life.  Everyday I get home from school and I'm in bed by 5:00pm due to a headache and I sleep until the next morning.  I don't go anywhere on the weekends either.  Let's just say I was frustrated when I went to see him yesterday and well pretty desperate.  He's up on all the current research and so we tried 2 different types of injections in my neck, several in the back of my head, and right above my eyebrows in my forehead.  They are basically a nerve block, different than Botox.  Today was a totally different day!  I didn't have a headache!  Everything is a little tender from all the places they stuck a 2 inch needle in my head, but still, better than a headache.  I called my brother to tell him about the procedure and I was explaining how at first my whole head and neck were numb from the forehead back.  It basically was like when you go to the dentist, but all over my head and neck.  It was a really strange feeling.  My brother goes, "So basically you're brain dead."  Yep.

The Help

At the recommendation of a friend, I decided to buy the book, The Help, by Kathryn Stockett.  I actually downloaded it as an audiobook to my iPod.  I've never bought an audiobook before, but I commute 30 minutes to work everyday and I don't have much other free time between work and grad school.  I highly recommend this book!  It is wonderful.  It's set in Jackson, Mississippi in the 1960s and centers around a young white woman and two black maids.  It talks about the love between children and the black maids that raise them, prejudice, and civil rights.  The young white woman is ostracized for sympathizing with and befriending the two black maids.  It's being made into a movie as well and is just a great book.  If you get a chance, pick up The Help!

 

My Life Died

I've been reading my Adolescent Therapy textbook.  It said divorce is like a death.  In the last month I started going back to counseling.  My counselor says that I need to grieve for my life.  She says that between the divorce and my illness, my life as I knew it is gone.  She's right.  Part of it was my choice, but part of it wasn't. 

I had someone to sleep next to at night, to attend functions with, and to share meals with.  I had a beautiful home in the right neighborhood a block over from the small country club.  My husband's family was wonderful and I loved them very much.  I was a member of the local Junior League and we had lots of great friends.  I had a plan and my future was mapped out.  I chose to give all this up though because I couldn't see myself having children with my husband and I wanted children more than I wanted any of that other stuff.

I still had my job and my friends at work.  I also had my friends in my home town.  I moved in with one of my best childhood friends and his wife during my divorce.  I just rented one room from them and it was working out well.  I had company when I needed it.  But I wasn't feeling well.  I kept missing work.  I was soon diagnosed with IIH.  I had to move out of my friends' house and in with my parents.  I continued to miss work, LOTS of work.  I didn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything.  I slept all the time.  I didn't even eat.  I had to use the Emergency Family Medical Leave Act to get extra sick days for work.  My principal was hounding me about when I was coming back, but I didn't have the answer because the doctors didn't have the answer.  They said it could take up to a year for me to feel truly better.  By the end of the school year, my principal put me on the transfer list to go to another school IF any school wanted to hire me.  I basically lost my teaching position. 

I am at a new school now.  I am slowly making new friends, but we don't do things together on the weekends like at my old school.  I'm not involved in any organizations because I'm going to grad school.  I'm trying to make new friends in my small town.  I would like to be in a relationship as well.  My counselor has said though that I need time to grieve before I jump into anything serious.  She's right.  I know she is.  Also,  the biggest blow is I don't know if I'll be able to have children.  At this time, the studies aren't conclusive about my medication.  They don't know if it is safe to take during pregnancy.  I cannot function without medication right now.  My brain and optic nerves become too swollen and it's not safe for my health.  I already went through 2 miscarriages when I was married.  My life really did die.  My dreams died.  It's hit me in the last week that I have to feel all this and really deal with it.  I'm not sure I'm ready to.

My Kind of Salad

Technically I'm supposed to be doing research for a major paper I have due, but the database for the school library is down, so I'm sorta SOL right now.  I decided to make myself a little snack and share it with the rest of y'all.  Now as a rule, I'm just not a fan of vegetables.  I only like a select few and they have to be cooked a certain way.  I've been known to gag if I find one piece of lettuce in my taco.  I hate warm lettuce!  I do NOT eat tomatoes in their raw form at all.  I take vitamins and drink whole fruit smoothie drinks to get my nutrients because it's damn sure not coming from those Jack in the Box tacos at 2 a.m.!  

This afternoon I made my favorite salad.  It doesn't have any of those silly ingredients most salads do.  Here's the recipe for my Frito Salad.

2 small cans of summer sweet corn

2 cups of shredded colby jack cheese

1/2 cup of mayo

1/2 cup of sour cream

1 tablespoon of finely chopped onion ( I used dried onion because I'm not a huge fan of onion texture)

1 full-size bag of Chili-Cheese Fritos

Stir everything together except the Fritos.  Add them and stir as you are ready to serve.

And that my friends is how you make a completely unhealthy salad!

First Week

The first week of school with my students went really well!  I have some sweet kids this year.  They seem so young though!  Every year I forget how much they grow and mature over nine months.  Quite a few of my students from last year dropped by my room to say hi.  That really and truly makes my day.

It was also the first week of this semester of grad school.  So far so good, it seems much slower paced than the summer course.  Thank you Jesus!  I couldn't do two classes like that one.  Now if I can just stay awake long enough when I get home to get my home work done, I'll be doing great!  

The first few weeks back with the kids takes time to get used to.  I'm exhausted!  Good news though, with all this schooling, maybe I won't think about dating and other junk so much. Ha! Yeah right :)

Back to School

School starts Monday.  Wow, my entire summer disappeared in a blur!  This week has been all pointless meetings.  Seriously why do they think we need five days of meetings to remind us how to do a job we went through four years of college for.  It's not like we forgot our entire education over the summer.  We know we are supposed to greet students at the door and smile.  Oh and crap I almost forgot I was supposed to take grades!  I'm so glad I had five days of meetings to relearn how to enter numbers into a computer!  I would be so lost without all of these printed power point handouts in every freaking color of the rainbow.  Seriously, what happened to budget cuts?!? How about using a little less paper, geniuses?  Then maybe we could order desks for our students!  I teach because I love kids.  I don't want to listen to a bunch of adults ramble on.  Thank goodness the little smart mouths will be there Monday.  I really do enjoy them.  They keep me young.  Good luck to my fellow educators and good luck to all the students going back to school!  Your teachers really do love you! :D

I'm Not a Moron!

I started my first grad class and the professor is very intimidating.  He said anyone who has not taken one of his classes before will get a zero on their first paper and have to redo.  Repeatedly redoing one paper did not sound like how I want to spend my summer, so I drove 2 1/2 hours to meet this man.  Email wasn't doing it for me.  I needed to sit down and ask him questions face to face. I did that and I listened to what he had to say. Then I came home and worked on my paper for 4 days.  The first 4 days of my summer I spent on this paper! Yes, of course I took a few naps and I met friends for drinks (just once though), but for the most part, I was sitting on the couch typing like a maniac.  Don't judge!  It's my summer.  Anyway, the point is, I really did work my tail off on this paper.  I kept thinking I was doing it wrong.  Then I was worried I wasn't citing everything just right.  The night I submitted it I had a nightmare the professor turned me into the dean for plagiarism and was having me kicked out of grad school!  I was a nervous wreck waiting for his comments to see how much of it I was going to have to redo.  I got the paper back the next day and I got an A!!!  I couldn't believe it! He wrote in all caps that I was one of the few people who got credit the first time they submitted a paper to him. All I can say is thank you, Jesus! I am not a complete moron!  There are times I wonder and I KNOW there are times my parents wonder.

Accepted

I was FINALLY accepted to graduate school at the last minute due to a mix up in the admissions department. They lost my transcripts because my last name is different now. When I got divorced, I went back to my maiden name and all of my transcripts were in my married name. I put my former name on all the forms where it asked for former names, but oh well. The point is, I'm accepted!

I was not accepted in time to get financial aid, so I will only be taking one class this first summer session as I am not independently wealthy. Taking only one class is apparently a good thing because by the time I was able to register there was only one available class and it was Education Law. I have been in touch with the professor and he said I couldn't have chosen a more difficult class to start with. Oh joy! Then he said, "but let's not turn back now." So on I go I suppose. I have a feeling this is going to be a bumpy ride, but it's on the road I must take. I know I can do this. I hope I can do this. Dear Lord, please help me get through this.

Giant Tortoise

It's the end of school and summer is near! Thank you Lord! I need summer for my sanity. Things just are not moving along as quickly as I'd like though. I don't have enough time at work, but everything else is going so slowly.

I'm still waiting to hear if I got into grad school. The guy I was talking on the phone to seems to have put me in the friend zone before we even met. I'm just in such a blah mood lately. I need a vacation, just a chance to disappear for a while and relax. I put entirely too much pressure on myself about finding a relationship.

The other day I was talking to a single guy friend. I asked him how his love life was and he said it was pretty slow. He asked how mine was going. I said, "You know that giant tortoise that lives to be like a century old? That slow."

Latest happenings

In the last week things have gone crazy. My grandfather passed away. The day after his funeral, my grandmother passed out and hit her head, so she was admitted to the hospital. The following day we were told my mother has an aggressive form breast cancer. When I let my cousins know, they said my little cousin was on his way into surgery and had been attacked by a dog and bitten in the face. Needless to say, our family was thinking enough already!!!

So far my grandmother is doing well in the hospital although it has been a week. My little cousin is going to need two more surgeries, but the doctor was able to keep the scar along his smile line and thinks it will heal nicely. The best news of all though is all of the doctors who are scheduling my mom's surgery, radiation, etc. are saying they caught her cancer as early as possible. They are all very positive about her prognosis. We have all been praying that everything continues to go well and that my mom beats this. If anyone can, I know she can! This ribbon is in honor of my mother, Jani.

On a lighter note, I'm finishing up my grad school application. I just have to do the essay. I should start in June if everything goes according to plan! I've also been talking to a really cool guy on the phone for a few weeks now and hoping we can meet soon.

I'm Not Ready!

Here it is after midnight. No surprise there. I never fall asleep before midnight these days, but tonight I really needed to. I'm taking the GRE tomorrow. Eek!

I'm attempting to get into graduate school so I can become a school counselor. I need this, I mean desperately need this. After six years in the classroom, I'm ready for a change. I want to continue working with children. I feel it is my true calling. However, I think I can reach students more effectively in smaller groups. Classes of 30 are becoming overwhelming.

I have studied for this test, but obviously not enough. I feel so unprepared. I've been going over the study book and making flash cards. Tonight I was lying in bed going over the flash cards again. It just seems incredibly daunting. Sooo here I am, with a glass of wine, watching Muppets from Space trying to breathe slowly. This does not bode well for tomorrow. Please just let me do well enough to get into a decent school! I'm not asking for Harvard here, just not the University of Phoenix in Guam okay.

If I can make it through this test, I'll be on my way and waiting on one less thing. Isn't that the point, to change the things I can? This is something I have some control over. This is a way to move my life forward. Wish me luck and that I don't have a panic attack at the testing center!