And We're Back

Well, my sweet guy and I finally talked yesterday.  We went to dinner and really got everything sorted out.  Because I respect his privacy,  I'm not going to explain to the world wide web what all went wrong, but basically he needed space and I was holding on tighter.  Two wrongs don't make a right, especially in this case.  We both apologized and all is right in the world.  We both have things to work on, but at least I can say we made it through our first real disagreement.  I'm pretty proud of us too because we did it without yelling, name calling, cursing, or any other major offenses.  We were able to discuss it like rational, caring adults and I didn't even cry.  Tears welled up, but they didn't fall! Yea me LOL!

I also decided that once again I was putting everything into the relationship and losing focus on everything else.  I haven't hung out with my friends nearly enough.  This week that changes.  I'm going to a Texas music festival at my old stompin' grounds.  That's right, back to the college alma matter.  What better way to reconnect with some of my friends than by living it up like I'm 21 again!  Ha, I'm so too old for it, but we're gonna party like it's 1999!  All is right in the world.  I hope you enjoy the roller coaster that is my life and please do not unbuckle your seat belts until the car has come to a complete stop.

Wrong Again

In less than one week we have gone from moving in together to not even communicating.  He was supposed to come see me today and then something came up with his brother.  He didn't tell me what it was and he won't answer any calls or texts.  I guess everything isn't okay.  I have no idea what is going on.  I just know that I'm feeling pushed away.  I don't like feeling as if I'm not even good enough to speak to.  Apparently I don't deserve any kind of explanation.  The last few months weren't as special to him as they were to me I guess.  Maybe I love you doesn't mean the same to him.  All I know is that my heart is broken.  I am hurt and angry and totally confused.

Just Kidding

Seems all that excitement last week was for nothing.  We found an apartment and I accepted a job, but it's not happening.  We are not moving in together.  There were several factors involved, but basically he isn't ready yet.  I'm okay with that.  I am extremely disappointed, but we're still together and that is much more important than when we take the next step.  I had my crying, sobbing fit.  The next day we talked though and we both love each other, so the rest will come together.  I have faith.  I'm having a hard time dealing with the disappointment though.  I understand all the reasons in my rational brain, but the rest of me, the not so rational part, is so hurt.  I'm feeling very alone right now.  We had started making decisions as a team and within a few days we are back to making decisions as individuals.  I was getting used to the idea that I'd get to wake up to his face everyday.  I actually read a book about step parenting.  I went through my cooking repertoire to figure out meals he would like and how to make them lower in carbs because he is diabetic.  I started planning exactly where everything would go in our tiny apartment so the kids would have as much space as possible and we could all be comfortable.  I had already decorated the walls and arranged the furniture in my mind.  Yes, I realize this all sounds somewhat obsessive, but I was just so excited and well, my mind moves quickly.  I'm working on remembering to just be happy in the moment and enjoy when we are together.  I'm trying to keep the disappointment at bay.  I'm trying not to start so many sentences with I!  No doubt, that gets annoying. 

I do have a plan though.  I ordered a laptop today so I can start looking for work from home jobs.  Come June 3, I have to turn in this beautiful Mac because it is property of my school district.  So, my new laptop will be here in a week.  Then I can go to my grandmother's and start really applying for the jobs.  I live in the middle of nowhere and can only get satellite internet.  My grandmother has broadband.  Most of the jobs have technology requirements and broadband or DSL is a biggie.  During the application process, they check your connection speed and the sound and video quality of your computer.  Hence, why I have to wait to start applying.  About going to my grandmother's, anyone who knows me, knows that my grandmother and I have a somewhat awkward relationship.  I love her dearly, but she might be one of the most oblivious people in the world.  She just doesn't understand modern things.  I have a clear picture of her coming in and asking me if I want some lunch, a drink, a snack, the blinds open, the blinds closed, the fan on, the fan off, or something else totally random, while I'm in the middle of some major call.  Bless her heart.  You may also be wondering how I bought a laptop when I have no income.  Ha!  Welcome to Texas.  I will be selling two cows.  I get two cows a year from my parents.  This year it's going to a laptop.  Incidentally, I sold two cows to pay for my divorce two years ago and my debt last year.  Please go ahead and laugh because everyone else already is.  Anyway, back to the plan.  Hopefully I'll get a job that pays enough, so I can still move to the big city.  I'll just be moving on my own, but that's okay.  It'll be good for me.  We'll be like Carrie and Big for the first few years.  Kidding, I'm so kidding!

 

These are our cows.  Don't worry, I'm not selling the little ones.

All the Feelings of a Crazy Person

As you know, I started dating a great guy a few months ago.  I have fallen completely, head over heels, in love with him.  It seems that he loves me too!  I feel so incredibly lucky to have met him.  I've met his children and really enjoy spending time with them.

Because we currently live almost an hour away from each other, we've decided to move in together.  I'll be moving to the big city since I'm basically unemployed.  This amazing man is willing to move in with me knowing I don't have a job yet.  I know I would do the same for him, yet I'm still wondering why he would even consider it.  It was actually his idea too.  I'm so scared that I'm not going to find a job soon enough and he is going to see me for the big, fat loser I really am.  (Yes, I know most of that is all in my head.)  I keep waiting for him to get mad at me, but it hasn't happened.  Does he occasionally get annoyed with me?  Of course, he is human, after all and I do have some pretty annoying qualities! :)  I get mildly annoyed with him, but only about small things like when he doesn't charge his phone, forgets his phone, loses his phone, or something similar.  That's because I'm all about the talking and he doesn't place near as much value on excessive communication.  Overall, though we are great!

I will be taking on a new role when we move in together.  This one makes me particularly nervous!  I'll be helping him raise his three children 50% of the time.  His son is 10 and his daughters are 4 and 3.  I don't love the term stepmom, but I guess that's basically what I'll be.  I couldn't be more excited about being part of a family, his family specifically.  I'm extremely apprehensive about how his children will adjust to our new living arrangement.  I'm also totally pumped about the prospect of gradually having a parental relationship with these kids.  I just hope they don't hate me or resent me simply because I'm the outsider.  They are three amazing kids, but then how could they not be with such an amazing dad!

On Saturday, we are going to look at apartments.  We won't actually move until June, but rates are going up daily, so it's time to get on it.  I am beyond excited!  I can't wait to look for our home together.  I'm also excited about moving out of my little town.  I'll be close enough to visit, but out of the monotony.  Sing it with me y'all, "I'm so excited and I just can't fight it! I know I know I know I know..."

The Devil is an Art Lover

Depending on how long you have been reading my blog, most of you will remember Bachelor #5.  For the most part I never think of him, but when I do it's still with anger.  I hate him for taking advantage of me and I'm so angry with myself that I allowed him to take advantage of me.  It's been two years since I told him I never wanted to see him again.  I haven't had any contact with him and that's exactly how I wanted it.

This weekend though the fates took over.  My cousin and aunts were having a girls' weekend and wanted me to join them.  We rarely get to hangout like that so I agreed.  My cousin told me we were going to an arts and crafts fair/market in a town near her.  I knew that "Stan" lived in this town, but at least a 1000 people go to this event every month.  I figured the odds of a man going to an arts and crafts fair were slim to none, so I wasn't too worried about seeing him especially since it was such a big event.  HA!  I was so wrong.

My aunts are fast shoppers and my cousin is the world's slowest.  I was somewhere in between trying to catch up with my aunts and wait on my cousin.  I'm walking by myself and BAM, there Stan is, right in front of me!  Who knew Satan goes to arts and crafts fairs!  I kept walking, not having a clue how to handle this.  I called my cousin to try and find her.  I find a map of this freaking maze I'm in and start looking for her.  As I'm walking around completely lost, I keep getting more and more upset.  In the process of trying to find my cousin, I somehow end up walking right behind Stan!  So, I walk a little slower hoping he won't see me, but right then he turned around and stared right at me.  The look on his face was confusion and then pure fear.  I walked as fast as I could and found a bench to sit down on.  That's when I completely lost it.  I just sat there bawling.  I didn't have the strength to hold my head up high, punch him in the face, yell at him, or even kick him in the shin.  I had played the scene in my mind over and over of what I would do if I ever saw him again.  Not one of the scenarios including scurrying off to cry like a little girl, but that's what I did.  I was so angry that he still could hurt me.  I was furious that he upset me so much.  I'm also quite sure people walking past me were wondering why someone would be sitting and bawling at an arts and crafts fair.

I was finally able to compose myself and find my cousin.  We walked back to my truck under the ruse of putting away purchases.  I had no desire to tell my aunts what had happened.  My sweet cousin was all for finding Stan and kicking his ass which at least made me laugh.  After a while I was okay and made my way back to the rest of the family.  I chose not to tell them about Stan.  It is still too embarrassing to me that I was someone's mistress.  I didn't see him again that day.  I still hope I never see him again.

I'm so thankful to have a family that loves and protects me.  I'm almost sorry I didn't encourage my cousin to find Stan.  Watching her at 5'3" and 140 lbs lay into his 6'3" 300 lbs ass would have been hilarious.  I have no doubt she would have won.  You just don't mess with my family!  Insanity is hereditary.

 This painting is by Texas artist, Ric Farley.

Poor House Here I Come!

Oh crap!  What have I done?!?  Did I really just send in my letter of resignation before I have another job lined up???  Yes, yes, I did.  What the hell am I thinking, you ask.  Actually, I ask this as well.  Basically I am in a position to where I can do only what's best for me OR I can do what's good for me and best for others.  I chose the latter.  At least my resignation isn't official until June 3, but come June 3, I will no longer have health insurance.  Shit.  I HAVE lost my mind!

I know that right now I am physically unable to be a good teacher and the type of teacher I want to be.  I'm looking for a part-time or work from home position so I can concentrate on my health and then hopefully start on my master's again.  I have had a phone interview and an email about two potential jobs, so I'm keeping faith I'll find something soon.  I just hope it's not minimum wage.  I am absolutely freaking out here! 

My school district is laying off over 200 teachers.  But, I have the chance to give one of those 200 people another chance by freeing up a position.  I will no longer let another group of students down.  My coworkers will have someone they can actually depend on next year.  I can't imagine having a job I love and then being told I won't have it anymore.  Oh wait... yes I do, except I'm being told that I can't teach at all.  I'm no longer capable of working with children full-time.  Anyway, my point is that I can't fix my situation right now, but maybe I can help someone else stay in the classroom. 

Here's to hoping I find a job, keep my sanity, and don't have to turn in my beautiful truck!  Think happy thoughts and pray for me!  And if you hear of a job possibility, by all means, let me know!