Mom

Last week I lost my grandmother.  My brother and I called her Mom.  We were lucky enough to grow up on the ranch with my grandparents less than a mile away.  I spent the first two years of my life with Mom.  She kept me everyday when my parents were at work.  We sat next to each other in her orange chair.  I learned my colors by looking at flower seed catalogs with her.  She always talked about how I used to say "lellow", but somehow managed to get out "gladiolas".  Mom also taught me how to read.  After those first two years, I still saw my grandparents nearly every afternoon.  Pop retired when I was maybe four, so I got to see him all the time after that.  We spent most weekends with them as well.  I learned how to cook the basics from her.  She tried to teach me to crochet, but I just didn't sit still long enough.  I spent so many hours sitting next to Mom in her chair.  When I got too big to fit in the chair with her, I sat on the armrest of her chair and Pop's chair.  Later I moved to the ottoman.  I always sat next to her though.  My seat at the table was next to her also.  Mom was my go to person when I felt down.  She was pretty shy and reserved, so when she said something it was important.  She always told me that if somebody didn't like me the way I am, they could just keep on walking.  I never heard her raise her voice in anger.  I didn't see Mom nearly as much as I should have the last few years.  I guess my only excuse was that seeing her so frail broke my heart.  Pop passed away in April.  They were married for 62 years.  Mom went to be with him less than a year later.  I went to see her the week before she died and I got to tell her about my sweet guy.  She was excited and I could tell it made her happy to see me happy.  I will miss Mom so much, just like I've missed Pop.  They helped make me who I am today and I know they were proud of me because they made it a point to say so.  They would tell me they loved me and were proud of me.  I love them and I'm proud of the life and family they created.  I'm so glad they're together now.  Mom's favorite flowers were irises, so these are for her.

I Wonder

 I wonder too much.

I wonder about everything.

I wonder what you did today.

I wonder what my dog is thinking.

I wonder what the weather is going to be like.

I wonder if something life altering will happen soon.

I wonder if you have dreams like I do.

I wonder if I will die old.

I wonder if I have met my second half or if I ever will.

I wonder how I will look in my 60s.

I wonder if true love is possible.

I wonder if you think your bed is more comfortable than mine.

I wonder if I’ll get to travel to far away places.

I wonder what you really think of my family.

I wonder if I will learn to take risks.

I wonder if you will take them with me.

I wonder why things end so slowly.

I wonder if my parents are disappointed in me.

I wonder if I will ever have a family.

I wonder if I am annoying.

I wonder why I care.

I wonder if you do, too.

I wonder if it’s possible to be addicted to ice cream.

I wonder how old the tree is at my grandparents’ house.

I wonder how bad getting a tattoo really hurts.

I wonder why I’m such a picky eater.

I wonder what it would be like to forget any painful event.

I wonder

I wonder

I wonder

what it’s like

not to wonder so much.

-No author found. Adapted by me.

The Wheels Keep Turning

When I was a kid my dad used to look at me and say he could "see the wheels turning".  As in, my brain is working overtime and I'm thinking really hard about something.  Those closest to me know the look on my face that signifies I'm deep in thought.  Lately, it seems I have this look all the time.  I can't stop thinking about things, to the point that I know I'm over-analyzing.  I know this is my reaction to fear, sometimes irrational fear, but I still can't seem to stop.  I'm not sleeping very well.  My stomach is upset.  I haven't been this happy in so long and it's like my brain is trying to prepare me for the worst.  Like maybe if I doubt things, when they do fall apart it won't hurt so much.  But is that really possible?  I'm so used to things falling apart that I have no idea how to just enjoy it.  Does anyone know how to turn off this over-analyzing?  How do people reassure themselves that the bottom doesn't always fall out from under them?  How do I get the wheels to stop turning?  See what I mean about over-thinking!  I'm not sure the hamsters will ever get tired.  Suggestions welcome!

Relationship Update

Well, it's been 4 weeks since I started talking to this great guy.  I'm not as scared as I was at first.  I just feel like I can trust him.  Things are going amazingly well!  Seriously, I think I've spent most of my life waiting for someone like him.  We have so much in common and have tons to talk about.  He just makes me smile.  I miss him during the week and live for the weekends when we can see each other.  He calls every night though and we have great conversations.  It feels like we've known each other for years.

He met my brother and sister-in-law last weekend and he'll meet my parents in a couple of weeks.  My brother said he seemed like a good guy and my brother doesn't like anyone! LOL  I will probably meet his children soon.  That is both nerve-racking and exciting.  I want so much for them to like me and for us to get along well.  To some it probably seems like this is going really fast, but honestly it doesn't feel that way.  We are getting to know each other and enjoying each others company.  We aren't making any long term commitments, just that we are together.  We are dating and seeing where is goes.  For once in my life, the man is on the same page and we are at the same maturity level.  I already have strong feelings for him.  I told my friend Jenny, "I kinda just know."  She said, "When you know, you know." 

I heart Craig Ferguson

On occasion I stay up late enough to catch The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.  I just have to say he freaking cracks me up!  The only part of his show I don't like is the weird skeleton robot guy that says "in your pants" all the time.  He needs to be sent to the junkyard car crusher!  Craig became a U.S. citizen which many actors don't feel the need to do.  I find his interest in our country admirable.  I also love his sense of humor.  He's clearly very secure with himself.  Craig Ferguson is one sexy man and it's all because of his personality.  On a side note, Rachael Ray was on his show tonight. Was it just me or did she totally look like a cast member of Jersey Shore?!?  Snooki could totally be her in 10 years!  Ladies, lay off the bronzer!  You're Italian not orangutans!  People are not supposed to be orange.  Whew!  I feel better now that I got that off my chest.

*Disclaimer- I do not think Rachael Ray is an unattractive person. I don't think Snooki is unattractive either, nuts maybe, but not ugly.  The point was that they are over doing it with the tanner/bronzer products.  Rachael Ray doesn't always look like that either, but there for a while, she was looking pretty Jersey!  Why do attractive people feel the need to mess up a good thing is what I'm saying?!!