Bachelor #3

I met the bitter old cat man on okcupid.com. His picture was fairly cute and his profile said he was a couple of inches taller than me which is one of my requirements.  I'm only 5'6", so it's not that hard to find a guy taller than me.  He was an IT guy for a large company and lived around the corner from his ex-wife so he could see his children regularly.  That was weird, but he had a good reason I guess.  He sounded really nice on the phone. We talked for a couple of weeks and decided to have dinner.  I was going through a phase where I was trying to give more guys a chance and look outside of my usual type of guy.  Although we didn't have a lot in common he was intelligent and kind.  He also seemed like a good father.  He griped about his ex-wife a lot though and talked about what a bad mother she was.  He also was a major sci-fi nerd and played computer games every night.  He had two cats as well.  I'm allergic to cats.  That can be a deal breaker.  Something about a man with cats.  It's just weird.  But the real deal breaker was dinner.  I had dressed in a cute sweater and cami, done my hair and make-up, and in general put effort into my appearance.  Dinner was at the Cheesecake Factory, one of my favorite places, so he was getting points for that.  I met him there and he was dressed in shorts, a ratty t-shirt, and old man tennis shoes.  Not to mention he didn't exactly look like his picture.  He was heavier and looked strange, kind of like an elf or dwarf or something.  He was also a few inches shorter than he had claimed on his profile.  His ears turned down like Dopey on Snow White... so not cute on a grown man.  Then came his weird eating habits.  He ate pizza, burgers, steak, and french fries. NOTHING ELSE!  No vegetables, no pasta, rice, NOTHING!  I'll admit I'm a picky eater, but come on man!  He ordered a burger, plain and dry, well done and french fries.  He got a diet coke to drink but didn't use a straw.  Every time he took a drink, he'd take ice in his mouth and then spit it back into his glass. Sick!  His manners were disgusting!  He never once said thank you to the waitress either.  He proceeded to gripe about his ex throughout dinner.  
I ordered water to drink, no appetizer, a half order of pasta, and no dessert!  I tried to pay for my own meal, but he insisted.  I made sure he didn't have to spend too much.  I just wanted the hell out!  I managed to be seated, eat, and pay out during the dinner rush at the Cheesecake Factory in less than an hour!  Tell me that's not a record.  He actually tried to kiss me in the foyer on the way out! Gross! I gave him a side hug and thanked him for dinner.  He got the hint and said, "Catch you later." Ha! I hope not!  This is pretty much what he looked like minus the ponytail and add some round boring glasses. 

Bachelor #2

Oh Mr. eHarmony… This man said he was looking for a long-term relationship. He wasn’t as attractive as Bachelor #1, but he was cute in his own way, very intelligent, seemed to be a good father to his one child, and had a good job. He also attended church almost every Sunday, so I thought our values would be similar.  After many emails over a couple of weeks, he asked me on an actual date. We met at a restaurant and had a great dinner. We talked for probably two hours. Then he suggested we go to a bookstore or something to continue the conversation. I got in his car and off we went. (Yes, I know, I shouldn’t have gotten in his car.) We went to the bookstore and had a great time. He had a really good sense of humor and had lots of interesting topics to discuss. After a couple of hours there he took me back to my car. No hug or kiss, but it seemed to be going well. We continued to talk on the phone over the next two weeks and met again. For our second date, I went to his apartment and then we went to dinner. He invited me back to his apartment to watch a movie. Of course halfway through the movie it turned into a little bit of a make-out session. He suggested sex and I kindly declined. I decided it was a good time to go home and he hugged me goodbye. Four days later I received an email saying he “didn’t think it was wise to pursue this any further”.  Silly me, I thought a nice Christian man would be understanding about not having sex on the second date.

Bachelor #1

I met this man-child on Yahoo Personals.  After a couple of email and text conversations, he asked me if I wanted to meet.  I said sure.  I mean his picture was really cute!   He was 30 and had never had a serious relationship, but that was okay because he was really cute, okay on the verge of HOT.  I know, not a good reason.  I get to his house (I know, stupid) and we are sitting in his living room and he turns on ESPN.   After a while of that he suggests we play Guitar Hero, so we went to the game room. He lived alone and had three flat screen televisions. He owned two cars (one was a BMW) and a motorcycle. It took me about two hours to realize this man was THE perpetual bachelor. He might as well play Geoffrey the Giraffe in the Toys'R'Us commercials singing, "I don't wanna grow up..."  We played Guitar Hero and then watched some more ESPN.  Three hours of sports and video games and I was ready to make my exit.  I got a goodnight kiss at the door.  After a couple of texts we didn’t talk again.  Cute will only get him so far.

You've Gotta Kiss a Lot of Frogs

At the urging of several friends and family members, I’ve decided to write about my experiences in the trenches of online dating.  This would be the preface if it were in book form. I'll be adding postings about the men I met every few days for a while.

I am a 30-year-old teacher from a small town in Texas.  Growing up, my family was very traditional.  I led a pretty sheltered middle class, small town life.  My parents have been married for 37 years and raised me to believe that love is always possible.  My mother used to tell me, “Someday you will find someone as wonderful as your daddy and it will all work out.”

This sentence has been driving me since grade school.  In my daily life, I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman.  But, as soon as a man enters the picture romantically, I become a complete and total idiot.  I lose all logic and the ability to think for myself.  I become a love obsessed, neurotic mess. 

A little of my background information should shed some light on this.  I dated the same guy in my small town during high school and the first part of college.  We broke up every few months, but always ended up back together.  When I went to college, he stayed home.  I came home on weekends.  This was the man I knew I was going to marry.  After four years, he called and said he thought we should just be friends.  At the time I didn’t know he had actually started dating one of my best friends.  What a way to start a friendship! 

Soon after this crushing break-up, I met a wonderfully nice, sweet guy.  He incidentally lived right around the corner, from my ex-boyfriend.  This new guy and I dated for TWO months.  He said he loved me and I was on top of the world.  Someone loved me!  Someone was kind, caring, and considerate.  My family and friends liked him just as much as I did.  After those TWO blissful months, he asked if I wanted to get married.  YES!  Of course I wanted to marry him.  It wasn’t everyday someone suggested marriage and what if I never got asked again?  This was going to be the marriage I’d always dreamed of.  This man loved me!  We were married six months after the engagement. 

We lived in my small town, around the corner from my ex-boyfriend and former friend (they got married and then divorced after she cheated on him) for two years.  I graduated from college and convinced my husband he needed to go to back to school.  We moved five hours away from our family and friends so he could go to the university his uncles and cousin had attended.  I worked full-time teaching school for two years while he finished his degree and worked part-time. 

Finally it was time for him to graduate!  At the urging of his mother, we decided we should live in his hometown, which is larger and would have more job opportunities than my hometown.  It was only 45 minutes from my family, so I felt this would be an acceptable compromise.   We bought the house his parents built and he grew up in.  He went to work with his family after a long and exhausting job search.  I continued to teach school.  I joined the local Junior Service League at the urging of his mother.  We attended the family church at the urging of his mother.  We attended various local charity and social functions at the urging of his mother.  You seeing a trend here?  We hung out with his friends from high school and spent most weekends with his family.  We drove the 45 minutes to see my family about once a month.

In year six of our marriage we decided to start a family.  After two miscarriages, that dream was put on hold.  I was extremely depressed and he became engrossed in his many hobbies.   I went to counseling because I just knew I was the problem.  I was absolutely sure of it.  After quite a bit of counseling and many late nights of thinking, I realized I had married the rebound guy.  I married a man because he was in love with me, but had I taken the time to know if I was in love with him?  No, I hadn’t.  We tried marriage counseling for a while, but after almost eight years, we separated and filed for divorce.  In the words of our counselor, “Sometimes things are just broken and you can’t put them back together.”

I moved back to my hometown and commuted to work.  I was renting a room from some friends and having terrible headaches everyday.  I attributed the headaches to stress from the divorce, but after several months of headaches and a trip to the doctor I found out otherwise.  Two months after I separated from my husband, I was diagnosed with a very odd medical condition that causes swelling in the brain.  At the urging of my parents, I moved home.  Yep, back to my old bedroom and back to my childhood. 

People from a large city might not realize how humbling it is to come back to your hometown after a divorce.  On top of that, I was living with my parents.  Can we say loser?  That was how I felt.  From that driving sentence in my childhood, I knew I just needed to find my great love and everything would work out.  My divorce would be final soon.  I wouldn’t be sick forever and living in my parents’ house was only temporary. 

Because I live in a small town, I decided the internet was the best place to start.  I knew most of the single men in my hometown and I assumed if we were going to date we would have in high school or maybe we actually did.  For that reason, local men were scratched off my list of possible dates.  There was a whole world of people online that I’d never met, so I entered into the world of internet dating.  I joined at least four dating sites to ensure the highest number of possible dates.  Some were free sites and some were paid sites.  I’d find love even if it cost a monthly subscription.  Yes, quantity over quality wasn’t my best idea. 

I am a firm believer that honesty is the best policy, which meant explaining to potential suitors that I was very newly divorced, ill, and living with my parents didn’t exactly bring out the best men.  Most never got past a second or third chat or email without running for the hills.  But what about the ones who did? 

This is where my story begins.  I am going to share my experiences with the various bachelors I met.  I met each of these men online and crashed and burned in some way or another.  After each failed attempt at a real relationship, I would dust myself off, and get back on the net.  After all, they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, so I continued on.  However, in this case it seemed like a plague of frogs similar to the one in Moses’s time!

New Pain

My heart is broken, shattered into jagged pieces.

Some shards so sharp they stab my chest from the inside.

This pain is new. 

Never cried like this before.

Never wailed because a part of me is torn away.

For this pain isn't just about a lost lover.

This pain isn't just for a man I kissed.

This pain is for my friend.

A best friend.

An old friend.

He ripped out my soul and tore it to shreds with his hands.

He left me sobbing alone, empty in the dark.

In the room where he had held me the night before.

Where he said he loved me the night before.

The shards are stabbing me here in the dark.

My tears burn in the cuts from my own heart.

This is a new pain.

This pain for my friend.

This pain for my love.

This pain is new.