Beauty School Dropout

"Beauty School Dropout, you weren't cutout to..." Blah Blah Blah...  Thanks Frankie Avalon!  This song has been stuck in my head all week.  My version is more like grad school dropout though.  Oh yes, I barely even started and I quit.  It was a completely online program which they failed to mention when I applied and was accepted.  When I had the lovely headache for over 2 weeks, I got way behind on my assignments and it just wasn't happening.  Apparently I'm not ready to work and go to school.  I'm seriously bummed and feel like a total loser, but I plan to give myself a year or 2 and try again.  Maybe by then my body will cooperate!  Until then Frankie Avalon is singing me and Frenchy to sleep and I'm working on my plummeting self-esteem.  Life is good!

Things that make me HAPPY

I had a really rough last couple of weeks, so I thought I'd focus on the positive.  Here are a few things that make me happy, some large, some small.

1. Blistex Raspberry Lemonade Chapstick- I have scoured through many stores looking for this stuff. Last time I found it, I bought 3 boxes.

2. Nothing like cheese in a can... Yummm!

 3. Chocolate! I found this picture online, but it has several of my favorites in it.

4. I live on my mac!

5. I bought my first new vehicle this summer.  It was the first time I was able to work the deal myself and everything.  It was a proud moment.  I own a silver 2010 4-door Z71 4x4 Chevrolet Silverado.

6. My bed.

7. My sweet Pepper- She is a 12 year old black lab.  I got her when I was 19.

8. My family and friends- I love ALL of them forever and always, no matter what.

Brain Dead

For the last 2 weeks straight I've had a KILLER headache. This is a typical symptom of my IIH, but pretty debilitating.  I saw the specialist in neurology yesterday and explained that I'm behind on my grad school assignments, I've missed work, and I have no social life.  Everyday I get home from school and I'm in bed by 5:00pm due to a headache and I sleep until the next morning.  I don't go anywhere on the weekends either.  Let's just say I was frustrated when I went to see him yesterday and well pretty desperate.  He's up on all the current research and so we tried 2 different types of injections in my neck, several in the back of my head, and right above my eyebrows in my forehead.  They are basically a nerve block, different than Botox.  Today was a totally different day!  I didn't have a headache!  Everything is a little tender from all the places they stuck a 2 inch needle in my head, but still, better than a headache.  I called my brother to tell him about the procedure and I was explaining how at first my whole head and neck were numb from the forehead back.  It basically was like when you go to the dentist, but all over my head and neck.  It was a really strange feeling.  My brother goes, "So basically you're brain dead."  Yep.

The Help

At the recommendation of a friend, I decided to buy the book, The Help, by Kathryn Stockett.  I actually downloaded it as an audiobook to my iPod.  I've never bought an audiobook before, but I commute 30 minutes to work everyday and I don't have much other free time between work and grad school.  I highly recommend this book!  It is wonderful.  It's set in Jackson, Mississippi in the 1960s and centers around a young white woman and two black maids.  It talks about the love between children and the black maids that raise them, prejudice, and civil rights.  The young white woman is ostracized for sympathizing with and befriending the two black maids.  It's being made into a movie as well and is just a great book.  If you get a chance, pick up The Help!

 

My Life Died

I've been reading my Adolescent Therapy textbook.  It said divorce is like a death.  In the last month I started going back to counseling.  My counselor says that I need to grieve for my life.  She says that between the divorce and my illness, my life as I knew it is gone.  She's right.  Part of it was my choice, but part of it wasn't. 

I had someone to sleep next to at night, to attend functions with, and to share meals with.  I had a beautiful home in the right neighborhood a block over from the small country club.  My husband's family was wonderful and I loved them very much.  I was a member of the local Junior League and we had lots of great friends.  I had a plan and my future was mapped out.  I chose to give all this up though because I couldn't see myself having children with my husband and I wanted children more than I wanted any of that other stuff.

I still had my job and my friends at work.  I also had my friends in my home town.  I moved in with one of my best childhood friends and his wife during my divorce.  I just rented one room from them and it was working out well.  I had company when I needed it.  But I wasn't feeling well.  I kept missing work.  I was soon diagnosed with IIH.  I had to move out of my friends' house and in with my parents.  I continued to miss work, LOTS of work.  I didn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything.  I slept all the time.  I didn't even eat.  I had to use the Emergency Family Medical Leave Act to get extra sick days for work.  My principal was hounding me about when I was coming back, but I didn't have the answer because the doctors didn't have the answer.  They said it could take up to a year for me to feel truly better.  By the end of the school year, my principal put me on the transfer list to go to another school IF any school wanted to hire me.  I basically lost my teaching position. 

I am at a new school now.  I am slowly making new friends, but we don't do things together on the weekends like at my old school.  I'm not involved in any organizations because I'm going to grad school.  I'm trying to make new friends in my small town.  I would like to be in a relationship as well.  My counselor has said though that I need time to grieve before I jump into anything serious.  She's right.  I know she is.  Also,  the biggest blow is I don't know if I'll be able to have children.  At this time, the studies aren't conclusive about my medication.  They don't know if it is safe to take during pregnancy.  I cannot function without medication right now.  My brain and optic nerves become too swollen and it's not safe for my health.  I already went through 2 miscarriages when I was married.  My life really did die.  My dreams died.  It's hit me in the last week that I have to feel all this and really deal with it.  I'm not sure I'm ready to.

My Kind of Salad

Technically I'm supposed to be doing research for a major paper I have due, but the database for the school library is down, so I'm sorta SOL right now.  I decided to make myself a little snack and share it with the rest of y'all.  Now as a rule, I'm just not a fan of vegetables.  I only like a select few and they have to be cooked a certain way.  I've been known to gag if I find one piece of lettuce in my taco.  I hate warm lettuce!  I do NOT eat tomatoes in their raw form at all.  I take vitamins and drink whole fruit smoothie drinks to get my nutrients because it's damn sure not coming from those Jack in the Box tacos at 2 a.m.!  

This afternoon I made my favorite salad.  It doesn't have any of those silly ingredients most salads do.  Here's the recipe for my Frito Salad.

2 small cans of summer sweet corn

2 cups of shredded colby jack cheese

1/2 cup of mayo

1/2 cup of sour cream

1 tablespoon of finely chopped onion ( I used dried onion because I'm not a huge fan of onion texture)

1 full-size bag of Chili-Cheese Fritos

Stir everything together except the Fritos.  Add them and stir as you are ready to serve.

And that my friends is how you make a completely unhealthy salad!