Brighter Days

So everything with the best guy friend are back to normal.  I guess he actually listened to what I said because he called the very next day.  Didn't take to long for him to think about things! Lol  I'm still waiting to hear back about grad school.  Some how my transcript has been misplaced by the university and they can't accept me until they locate it.  If I send a new one it is considered late.  I gave them the tracking number, date and time, plus the person who signed for it on their campus.  But, some how it's still missing!  Ugh!  I'm pretty frustrated with the whole thing, but still praying I get accepted.  This is my hope for a future and I'm not giving up yet!

Yet Again

Things have been amazing with my best guy friend/I don't know what to call him.  We've been hanging out a lot.  He's been super sweet and even sort of protective.  Last week I met his cousin, then he went with me and one of my friends for drinks.  Yesterday I met another one of his cousins.  It's been great.  Then today he calls and tells me we need some time apart because he has commitment issues and can't be my boyfriend.  Those were his actual words.  I was like what?!?  I told him I hadn't asked him for anything and that I didn't have expectations.  He said I'm a great friend and he didn't want to hold me back from something I deserve.  I explained that I'm perfectly content with how things are.  I reminded him that my life is a complete mess right now and that I don't have room for a boyfriend really.  He was just kind of silent, so I said he should call me when he is ready to hang out again.  Then I hung up the phone and naturally burst into tears.  Why is it that when things are going great, something bad always happens?  I feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up and feeling happy about something.  The worst part is that he really is one of my best friends.  I spend more time with him than anyone and we talk about everything.  I wish he didn't over think everything and start freaking out.  Why do guys think we want to marry them tomorrow?  Seriously, I know that I want a family in the future, but the thought of marriage right now scares me to death.  I have no job and I'm not sure where I'll be living in the future.  I have a freaking brain disease.  My life is so uncertain.  I'm not in a place where I'm really dependable.  I wouldn't make a good wife right now.  I need more time.  I just want what we have to stay the same.  I just want what we have. 

The Latest

It's time for an update on my oh so exciting life.  Things with disability are at a stand still.  I had an attorney who turned out to be less than knowledgeable about anything regarding my specific case.  He couldn't even spell my name right or work his email properly, so I decided to let him go.  I'm currently in the market for a new attorney.  There are NO guys to speak of at all.  Oh, and I got some upsetting news the other day.  My ex husband, who recently got remarried, has had a baby.  I was not upset at all about his marriage.  I'm really happy for him.  I am, of course, also genuinely happy for them about the birth of their daughter.  However, it brought up some serious feelings for me.  It made me think about the two babies we lost and if I'll ever get the chance to be a mother.  I know that with my current health I am not in a position to take care of a child, but I really hope that in the future I can.  Needless to say, it's been a few days of tears at my house. 

So there's the sad news.  Let me share the happy news!  I got a puppy!  Her name is Lola and she is a chihuahua from a rescue group.  She is now four months old.  Her mother was found living under a trailer house, very pregnant, hungry, and covered in fleas.  Mama is now quite healthy as are all seven puppies.  Lola has been so fun and such a mood booster for me.  Even my tough old dad loves her.  I can say without a doubt that puppies truly are the best medicine.  Meet my sweet baby Lola!

I'm Back Y'all!

It's been six months since I started applying for jobs in the big city and  I haven't found anything.  Well, actually, no one chose me.  My current position is a whopping 4.5 hours a week!  That does not even come close to paying the bills!  I've been staying with my cousin three days a week when I worked and then coming back to my little town the rest of the time.  I've been hoping something full-time would come up so I can move to the big city, but it just hasn't happened and my family can't keep supporting me, nor do I want them to.  Last weekend I ran into a friend from high school and she told me one of the local insurance agencies was looking for an office assistant.  I happened to have my resume in my truck and so she passed it along to her friend who worked there.  When I got home I emailed my resume and cover letter to the agency manager.  He emailed me back within a couple of hours.  I had an interview on Thursday and Friday I started working.  I am now employed full-time!!!  Thank you, Jesus!  I had some reservations before the interview because taking this job means giving up my big city dreams for a while, like at least a couple of years.  I talked to my boyfriend also because I wasn't sure what this meant for us either.  He was extremely supportive and said he had no problem coming to see me more often.  For the last few months I've been in his city, so I always went to see him.  Knowing that he was supportive helped a lot.  I already knew a couple of the people in the office and the other three are great so far.  It's a small office and a very low stress group.  I think this job is exactly what I need right now.  It's in a fairly quiet environment.  The people are friendly.  It's not a stressful place at all.  I'm getting used to the idea that I'm going to be working in my hometown, the town where gossip abounds.  My dad already reminded me, no more going to the local bar! lol!  He wasn't kidding though.  I haven't worked in my hometown since high school.  It's been twelve years since I've been a full-time resident here.  It has it's perks though.  I really enjoy seeing familiar faces come in the office every day.  I can't tell you how many people have congratulated me on the job, knowing what I've been through the last few years.  The people really are supportive and I've missed that.  I'm going to have to get used to having to go out of town to have a drink, but oh well.  My aunt always says when God closes a door, he opens a window.  I think this time instead of a window it was more like a screen door!  But then, that is where I feel most comfortable.

I Got a Job... Well, Sorta

Things are looking in a slight upward direction.  I have a part-time job, make that very part-time.  I will be tutoring students for a non-profit organization in a low income area.  I'll get a whopping 4.5 hours a week!  I'm also working with kindergarteners, my least favorite age.  Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of excited and a job is a job right.  It will at least fill a time gap on my resume.  Everything with the boyfriend is going pretty well.  I'll be tutoring in Austin, so at least we'll get to see each other more. 

Now if I could only figure out what it is I want to do with my life.  I don't think I'm ready for grad school with my health and I know I can't afford grad school right now.  That rules out law school too.  I feel pretty lost.  It's not only my career either.  I don't know what I want in my personal life, where I should live, anything.  If I find a full-time job, I'm thinking the rest will sort of work itself out.  In the mean time, I'm still waiting :)

Life as I Know it

I've been MIA lately.  I haven't felt like writing and I wasn't sure what to write because I've been dealing with all of these feelings in my head and trying to figure them out. After like eight months, the boyfriend and I are done.  It was his choice, not mine.  We've discussed it several times over the past week and it really is over.  So I was with this guy less than a year.  What's the big deal?  Why am I so broken over it?  I've been doing some serious soul searching to figure out why I'm so torn up over this break up.  Is it really about him?  Yes and no.  Did I love him? Yeah.  Did I love him more than I've loved anyone else ever?  No.  My temporary job ended about the same time as our relationship and I had to leave Austin and come back home.  Again.

Here's what I realized over the past week or so.  I've been waiting for the past three years.  I've been waiting for my life to change.  I've taken steps to change it, but for some reason, it's just not happening.  Maybe there isn't a job in Austin.  No knight in shining armor is going to ride in and save me, that's for sure.  I'm in this position due to my own decisions, but also due to events out of my control.  Basically I have to stop waiting for things to change.  I have to accept that this is my life.  Period.  I live in this little town, in this little house, BY MYSELF.  This is my life.  I have to accept it completely.  I somehow have to come to terms with that.  Am I depressed about it?  Hell yes I am!  I'm teetering on the edge of disappearing into oblivion or sucking it up and cleaning this disaster of a house and just dealing with it.  My current method of dealing with it though is just staying in bed in the dark.  Yes, I realize this is not healthy.  Yes, I realize I sound whiny and pathetic. 

I know there are starving people in Africa and homeless people all over the world.  I know there are people who don't have a family to support them and help them.  I'm working really hard to remember this and try not to feel too sorry for myself.  Finally accepting my life is going to take some time though.

I'll Live

This is going to be short and sweet. I haven't had it in me to write much lately. My temporary job in Austin is already over and I'm back in my little town. I didn't get the job I interviewed for.  The boyfriend and I aren't speaking and I have no idea why, but seeing as this is the third time he's done this, my patience is wearing thin.  That's my life in a nutshell.

Big Day Tomorrow!

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day! I have a job interview in the morning.  In the afternoon I start a temporary job that lasts a month.  The interview is for a job I'd really like to get.  It would get my foot in the door for one of those dream jobs.  The pay is absolutely awful, but like I said, it's a stepping stone.  I'll be living in the ghetto for sure, but at least it's the ghetto in Austin!  The temp job is also in Austin and my cousin has generously said I can stay with him and his family for the month.  I am beyond happy that I'll be so much closer to the boyfriend!  I'm excited and nervous and stressed out to the max!  I haven't packed or even really started laundry!  I think I'm still waiting for something to fall through.  Please pray I get this job tomorrow!

Too Much Time

I have way too much time on my hands right now.  Thank goodness I start a job next week.  It's a temporary position, but at least I'll be working for a month.  I'll be staying with one of my favorite cousins and his family part of the time and my boyfriend part of the time since the job is in Austin.  Hopefully by splitting the time I won't wear out my welcome either place. 

Anyway, back to the present.  I've been watching way too many Hallmark movies.  I mentioned that in my post about unemployment.  You may remember I mentioned Shannon Daugherty and Jennie Garth.  Well, apparently the Hallmark Channel and the Spellings must have some kind of connection because I've seen a movie starring almost all of the cast from the original 90210.  Tori, Jennie, and Shannon have each had their own movie and now they are advertising for a Luke Perry movie directed by Jason Priestly.  All the movies so far are cheesy romance feel good stories.  And yes, I keep watching them haha.  I should probably be cleaning my house or something else productive, but boredom really doesn't motivate me for some reason.  For the next week at least, it looks like it's still going to be me and Hallmark.  Y'all pray for permanent employment in Austin please! (and soon!)  Stayed tuned for next week and I'll post about the new job if I'm not too exhausted.

Things I've Learned While Unemployed

1. I am a lazy slob.  Even when I have the time I put cleaning my house at the absolute bottom of my list.
2. They made new Looney Tunes episodes around 2002.  If I’m still awake at 5:00 AM, I like to watch them on Cartoon Network.
3. I cannot stick to a sleep schedule when I don’t have a routine.
4. I’m better at feeding cows than I thought, but man my back hurts!  Lugging around 50lbs feed sacks when I haven’t exercised in forever sucks!
5. Apparently Medicare will pay for disposable catheters.  Thank you Hallmark Channel for those lovely advertisements. TMI.
6. Hallmark Channel sensors even more than regular networks require.  Reruns of Frasier are bleeped out regularly.
7. Actors who haven’t quite hit the bottom rung and gone on to star in a Lifetime Movie of the Week, take a slower dive to nothingness by starring in Hallmark movies about losing the family farm.  I’m talking to you, Jennie Garth and Shannon Daugherty. 
8. Mob Wives is some scary stuff!  I only watched one episode, but totally believe they have no problem whacking someone.
9. I can live on chips, cheese dip, and Sunny D for an extended period of time.
10. I don’t require much money when I don’t go anywhere or do anything or eat real food.
11. I will do a lot of different chores for strangers who will pay me, but I draw the line at working with/for certain family members, no matter how much they’re willing to pay.  It’s just not worth the hard feelings and bickering.
12. Even though I’m sitting at home alone, bored out of my mind, the rest of the world keeps on going.  No one is waiting with me, although they are hoping and praying for me.
13. Not finding a job after an extended period of time makes one feel like a major LOSER.
14. I HATE that Samsung commercial for the cell phone where it shows a picture of a spider and the woman screams her damn head off.  I will never buy a Samsung phone simply because that commercial pisses me off so much.
15. Buying Solitaire for my Blackberry was one of the best investments I ever made.
16. No one is getting rich from Google Ads on their blog.  In almost 2 months I've made $0.15.

Good News Bad News

Bad news first.  I didn't get the job I wanted.  Apparently there were a couple of internal candidates in the interview pool that were "practically already doing the job" to quote the interviewer.  One of them got the position.  At least I got beat out for a good reason.

Good news.  He said he really enjoyed meeting with me and talking to me and that there are a couple of other positions opening up in August.  He said to keep checking the website for those and that they'd love to find a way to get me in there.

That makes me feel a little better.  The jobs coming up aren't as good as the one I wanted, but it would be a good way to get my foot in the door.  I'm also waiting to hear if I get to interview for another position that would be right up my alley as well.  While I'm waiting, I hope y'all are praying for me :)

Hurry Up and Wait

So I had my interview on Tuesday.  It was going really well right up until the end.  I felt comfortable talking to them.  I had good informative answers to their questions.  I smiled and made eye contact with both people.  I asked good questions.  Then it was almost time to go.  They hadn't asked why I wasn't teaching anymore or why I left my job.  I knew that if they called my principal and asked about my attendance record it wouldn't be pretty.  I had been advised by my dad and Cely to go ahead and tell them I had some health issues.  It came to the end of the interview and I told them I had one more thing I wanted to mention.  I said part of the reason I wasn't teaching anymore is because I'd had some health problems and if they asked my principal about my attendance record, it is what it is due to my health.  That's where the interview came to a screeching halt. Cue car crash noises.  The two interviewers kind of looked at me for a minute.  Then the man said they wouldn't call my principal, that staff services would and only to verify employment.  They wouldn't ask any other questions of previous employers.  I said, "Oh, ok, well, I just wanted to be upfront and honest.  I hope this doesn't have any bearing on whether or not I get the position."  Yeah right.  That's like telling a jury to disregard everything they just heard.  It's out there and you can't erase people's memories, no matter how badly I want to.

I haven't heard anything yet.  They interviewed 12 people and hadn't decided if they were going to have a 2nd round of interviews.  I should know if I got the job, need to interview again, or didn't get the job by tomorrow or early next week.  I felt so good about it until the end and I walked out totally deflated.  I hope they liked me enough to overlook my health issues statement.  At least I didn't blurt out that it's a brain disease!  I'm just waiting to hear.  Yep, waiting as usual...

Preparation and Sleep Deprivation

In 12 hours I have an interview for my dream job.  The position is all about history which I love and it is in the big city where my sweet guy lives.  I have done my nails and planned out my hair.  I have my outfit planned to the last detail.  I printed extra copies of my resume.  I even cleaned out my purse.  Why, I don't know.  I wrote down some questions I can ask during the interview and I also jotted down a few responses to potential questions.  The only one I'm dreading is "Why did you leave the teaching field?".  That's the one where I have to go ahead and tell them I've had health issues because my attendance record is not the greatest.  I have some other things to add to it, but I just know that's the question that will make me stutter.  My portfolio is ready.  My alarms, yes plural, are set.  I can't sleep.  I really haven't eaten much today.  Those two things will be so helpful when I'm trying to sound intelligent tomorrow. Ha!  I don't think I've ever been this nervous about an interview.  If y'all pray, please pray I get this job!  I'm going to attempt to go to sleep and hope I don't puke in the morning! 

Penicillin is Magic

Penicillin, oh how I love thee!  After two days of taking these magic beans, I am now able to eat again.  Thank you, Jesus!  It's kind of scary because I want to eat everything in sight!  Every kind of food I can think of sounds like heaven.  I still can't eat things like chips and salsa.  Even super mild salsa burns like there's no tomorrow, but at least I can eat somethings.  Basically, my mouth has completely new skin that is still pretty fragile.  Ice cream feels amazing though, so life is pretty good right. 

I haven't really done a thing this week.  I'm still waiting on my new laptop to come in, so I can apply for the work from home jobs.  I'm waiting on a claim with my short term disability insurance and I'm waiting on Saturday to get here so I can spend time with the boyfriend :)  In other words, I'm waiting, not so patiently, as usual.

Just Kidding

Seems all that excitement last week was for nothing.  We found an apartment and I accepted a job, but it's not happening.  We are not moving in together.  There were several factors involved, but basically he isn't ready yet.  I'm okay with that.  I am extremely disappointed, but we're still together and that is much more important than when we take the next step.  I had my crying, sobbing fit.  The next day we talked though and we both love each other, so the rest will come together.  I have faith.  I'm having a hard time dealing with the disappointment though.  I understand all the reasons in my rational brain, but the rest of me, the not so rational part, is so hurt.  I'm feeling very alone right now.  We had started making decisions as a team and within a few days we are back to making decisions as individuals.  I was getting used to the idea that I'd get to wake up to his face everyday.  I actually read a book about step parenting.  I went through my cooking repertoire to figure out meals he would like and how to make them lower in carbs because he is diabetic.  I started planning exactly where everything would go in our tiny apartment so the kids would have as much space as possible and we could all be comfortable.  I had already decorated the walls and arranged the furniture in my mind.  Yes, I realize this all sounds somewhat obsessive, but I was just so excited and well, my mind moves quickly.  I'm working on remembering to just be happy in the moment and enjoy when we are together.  I'm trying to keep the disappointment at bay.  I'm trying not to start so many sentences with I!  No doubt, that gets annoying. 

I do have a plan though.  I ordered a laptop today so I can start looking for work from home jobs.  Come June 3, I have to turn in this beautiful Mac because it is property of my school district.  So, my new laptop will be here in a week.  Then I can go to my grandmother's and start really applying for the jobs.  I live in the middle of nowhere and can only get satellite internet.  My grandmother has broadband.  Most of the jobs have technology requirements and broadband or DSL is a biggie.  During the application process, they check your connection speed and the sound and video quality of your computer.  Hence, why I have to wait to start applying.  About going to my grandmother's, anyone who knows me, knows that my grandmother and I have a somewhat awkward relationship.  I love her dearly, but she might be one of the most oblivious people in the world.  She just doesn't understand modern things.  I have a clear picture of her coming in and asking me if I want some lunch, a drink, a snack, the blinds open, the blinds closed, the fan on, the fan off, or something else totally random, while I'm in the middle of some major call.  Bless her heart.  You may also be wondering how I bought a laptop when I have no income.  Ha!  Welcome to Texas.  I will be selling two cows.  I get two cows a year from my parents.  This year it's going to a laptop.  Incidentally, I sold two cows to pay for my divorce two years ago and my debt last year.  Please go ahead and laugh because everyone else already is.  Anyway, back to the plan.  Hopefully I'll get a job that pays enough, so I can still move to the big city.  I'll just be moving on my own, but that's okay.  It'll be good for me.  We'll be like Carrie and Big for the first few years.  Kidding, I'm so kidding!

 

These are our cows.  Don't worry, I'm not selling the little ones.

All the Feelings of a Crazy Person

As you know, I started dating a great guy a few months ago.  I have fallen completely, head over heels, in love with him.  It seems that he loves me too!  I feel so incredibly lucky to have met him.  I've met his children and really enjoy spending time with them.

Because we currently live almost an hour away from each other, we've decided to move in together.  I'll be moving to the big city since I'm basically unemployed.  This amazing man is willing to move in with me knowing I don't have a job yet.  I know I would do the same for him, yet I'm still wondering why he would even consider it.  It was actually his idea too.  I'm so scared that I'm not going to find a job soon enough and he is going to see me for the big, fat loser I really am.  (Yes, I know most of that is all in my head.)  I keep waiting for him to get mad at me, but it hasn't happened.  Does he occasionally get annoyed with me?  Of course, he is human, after all and I do have some pretty annoying qualities! :)  I get mildly annoyed with him, but only about small things like when he doesn't charge his phone, forgets his phone, loses his phone, or something similar.  That's because I'm all about the talking and he doesn't place near as much value on excessive communication.  Overall, though we are great!

I will be taking on a new role when we move in together.  This one makes me particularly nervous!  I'll be helping him raise his three children 50% of the time.  His son is 10 and his daughters are 4 and 3.  I don't love the term stepmom, but I guess that's basically what I'll be.  I couldn't be more excited about being part of a family, his family specifically.  I'm extremely apprehensive about how his children will adjust to our new living arrangement.  I'm also totally pumped about the prospect of gradually having a parental relationship with these kids.  I just hope they don't hate me or resent me simply because I'm the outsider.  They are three amazing kids, but then how could they not be with such an amazing dad!

On Saturday, we are going to look at apartments.  We won't actually move until June, but rates are going up daily, so it's time to get on it.  I am beyond excited!  I can't wait to look for our home together.  I'm also excited about moving out of my little town.  I'll be close enough to visit, but out of the monotony.  Sing it with me y'all, "I'm so excited and I just can't fight it! I know I know I know I know..."

Poor House Here I Come!

Oh crap!  What have I done?!?  Did I really just send in my letter of resignation before I have another job lined up???  Yes, yes, I did.  What the hell am I thinking, you ask.  Actually, I ask this as well.  Basically I am in a position to where I can do only what's best for me OR I can do what's good for me and best for others.  I chose the latter.  At least my resignation isn't official until June 3, but come June 3, I will no longer have health insurance.  Shit.  I HAVE lost my mind!

I know that right now I am physically unable to be a good teacher and the type of teacher I want to be.  I'm looking for a part-time or work from home position so I can concentrate on my health and then hopefully start on my master's again.  I have had a phone interview and an email about two potential jobs, so I'm keeping faith I'll find something soon.  I just hope it's not minimum wage.  I am absolutely freaking out here! 

My school district is laying off over 200 teachers.  But, I have the chance to give one of those 200 people another chance by freeing up a position.  I will no longer let another group of students down.  My coworkers will have someone they can actually depend on next year.  I can't imagine having a job I love and then being told I won't have it anymore.  Oh wait... yes I do, except I'm being told that I can't teach at all.  I'm no longer capable of working with children full-time.  Anyway, my point is that I can't fix my situation right now, but maybe I can help someone else stay in the classroom. 

Here's to hoping I find a job, keep my sanity, and don't have to turn in my beautiful truck!  Think happy thoughts and pray for me!  And if you hear of a job possibility, by all means, let me know!

Sick!

Yep, that's right, I'm sick!  To anyone who reads my blog or knows me, this isn't news lol.  I wish I could say it was just mentally, but no such luck.  I seem to be a walking infection.  In the last three weeks I've had a biopsy, bacterial infection, and now a virus.  That of course is on top of my regular headaches.  So, what does this mean for me?  

Well I've started looking for a new job/career.  I'm looking for a work from home or part-time position.  It also needs to be a quiet, low stress environment.  Ha!  I know.  Where the hell are those jobs?  My pharmacist's wife suggested maybe a funeral home. (Yes, I'm quite familiar with my pharmacy staff.)  I started to roll my eyes, but then I actually considered it for a minute.  It's definitely quiet!  

I started really applying for jobs this week though.  So far, the only one I've heard back from is for a personal assistant job.  The only problem is that after I sent my resume with ALL my contact information, I received a more complete job description from the gentleman.  No, it's not what you're thinking.  He didn't want any sort of relations, but he wanted me to mail checks for him to people that he was getting wrecked cars from because he sells the cars out of the country.  He would give me account numbers etc. and I was supposed to do the rest.  He said he lived in New York and was an American citizen.  Why would he want a personal assistant in Texas and why did he feel the need to tell me he's a citizen?  At the very least I think he could be dealing in stolen cars or wanting me to launder money.  Um yeah, I said no thank you.  Let's not forget though that he has my home address and phone number.  I have a feeling this one is going to come back to bite me!  I'm still waiting to hear back from several other, hopefully more legitimate, prospects.

The other thing that concerns me about being sick is the people I love.  My friends at work and my students pretty much think I've fallen off the planet.  My parents are torn between worrying about me and telling me to suck it up and go to work.  And then, there is my fairly new relationship.  I've found this great guy.  I'm just so terrified he's going to get fed up with my health issues.  He has shown me no indication that he is annoyed at all.  He checks on me and is really great.  The worries I have aren't based on anything he's said or done, but I guess more on my past relationships.  My ex-husband literally would leave the house when I didn't feel good because he just could not stand to be around sick people.  In his mind, people who get sick are weak.  Most guys I talked to after my divorce ran for the hills when I mentioned I have a health condition.  My boyfriend is absolutely amazing though which is probably why I'm so afraid of it not working out.  I'm working with my counselor on these insecurities.  

What is all this rambling about...  Well, let's sum it up into three goals.  Find a new job, get healthy, fight my neurotic tendencies.  Those are all pretty simple right :P