Life as I Know it

I've been MIA lately.  I haven't felt like writing and I wasn't sure what to write because I've been dealing with all of these feelings in my head and trying to figure them out. After like eight months, the boyfriend and I are done.  It was his choice, not mine.  We've discussed it several times over the past week and it really is over.  So I was with this guy less than a year.  What's the big deal?  Why am I so broken over it?  I've been doing some serious soul searching to figure out why I'm so torn up over this break up.  Is it really about him?  Yes and no.  Did I love him? Yeah.  Did I love him more than I've loved anyone else ever?  No.  My temporary job ended about the same time as our relationship and I had to leave Austin and come back home.  Again.

Here's what I realized over the past week or so.  I've been waiting for the past three years.  I've been waiting for my life to change.  I've taken steps to change it, but for some reason, it's just not happening.  Maybe there isn't a job in Austin.  No knight in shining armor is going to ride in and save me, that's for sure.  I'm in this position due to my own decisions, but also due to events out of my control.  Basically I have to stop waiting for things to change.  I have to accept that this is my life.  Period.  I live in this little town, in this little house, BY MYSELF.  This is my life.  I have to accept it completely.  I somehow have to come to terms with that.  Am I depressed about it?  Hell yes I am!  I'm teetering on the edge of disappearing into oblivion or sucking it up and cleaning this disaster of a house and just dealing with it.  My current method of dealing with it though is just staying in bed in the dark.  Yes, I realize this is not healthy.  Yes, I realize I sound whiny and pathetic. 

I know there are starving people in Africa and homeless people all over the world.  I know there are people who don't have a family to support them and help them.  I'm working really hard to remember this and try not to feel too sorry for myself.  Finally accepting my life is going to take some time though.