The Devil is an Art Lover

Depending on how long you have been reading my blog, most of you will remember Bachelor #5.  For the most part I never think of him, but when I do it's still with anger.  I hate him for taking advantage of me and I'm so angry with myself that I allowed him to take advantage of me.  It's been two years since I told him I never wanted to see him again.  I haven't had any contact with him and that's exactly how I wanted it.

This weekend though the fates took over.  My cousin and aunts were having a girls' weekend and wanted me to join them.  We rarely get to hangout like that so I agreed.  My cousin told me we were going to an arts and crafts fair/market in a town near her.  I knew that "Stan" lived in this town, but at least a 1000 people go to this event every month.  I figured the odds of a man going to an arts and crafts fair were slim to none, so I wasn't too worried about seeing him especially since it was such a big event.  HA!  I was so wrong.

My aunts are fast shoppers and my cousin is the world's slowest.  I was somewhere in between trying to catch up with my aunts and wait on my cousin.  I'm walking by myself and BAM, there Stan is, right in front of me!  Who knew Satan goes to arts and crafts fairs!  I kept walking, not having a clue how to handle this.  I called my cousin to try and find her.  I find a map of this freaking maze I'm in and start looking for her.  As I'm walking around completely lost, I keep getting more and more upset.  In the process of trying to find my cousin, I somehow end up walking right behind Stan!  So, I walk a little slower hoping he won't see me, but right then he turned around and stared right at me.  The look on his face was confusion and then pure fear.  I walked as fast as I could and found a bench to sit down on.  That's when I completely lost it.  I just sat there bawling.  I didn't have the strength to hold my head up high, punch him in the face, yell at him, or even kick him in the shin.  I had played the scene in my mind over and over of what I would do if I ever saw him again.  Not one of the scenarios including scurrying off to cry like a little girl, but that's what I did.  I was so angry that he still could hurt me.  I was furious that he upset me so much.  I'm also quite sure people walking past me were wondering why someone would be sitting and bawling at an arts and crafts fair.

I was finally able to compose myself and find my cousin.  We walked back to my truck under the ruse of putting away purchases.  I had no desire to tell my aunts what had happened.  My sweet cousin was all for finding Stan and kicking his ass which at least made me laugh.  After a while I was okay and made my way back to the rest of the family.  I chose not to tell them about Stan.  It is still too embarrassing to me that I was someone's mistress.  I didn't see him again that day.  I still hope I never see him again.

I'm so thankful to have a family that loves and protects me.  I'm almost sorry I didn't encourage my cousin to find Stan.  Watching her at 5'3" and 140 lbs lay into his 6'3" 300 lbs ass would have been hilarious.  I have no doubt she would have won.  You just don't mess with my family!  Insanity is hereditary.

 This painting is by Texas artist, Ric Farley.

Poor House Here I Come!

Oh crap!  What have I done?!?  Did I really just send in my letter of resignation before I have another job lined up???  Yes, yes, I did.  What the hell am I thinking, you ask.  Actually, I ask this as well.  Basically I am in a position to where I can do only what's best for me OR I can do what's good for me and best for others.  I chose the latter.  At least my resignation isn't official until June 3, but come June 3, I will no longer have health insurance.  Shit.  I HAVE lost my mind!

I know that right now I am physically unable to be a good teacher and the type of teacher I want to be.  I'm looking for a part-time or work from home position so I can concentrate on my health and then hopefully start on my master's again.  I have had a phone interview and an email about two potential jobs, so I'm keeping faith I'll find something soon.  I just hope it's not minimum wage.  I am absolutely freaking out here! 

My school district is laying off over 200 teachers.  But, I have the chance to give one of those 200 people another chance by freeing up a position.  I will no longer let another group of students down.  My coworkers will have someone they can actually depend on next year.  I can't imagine having a job I love and then being told I won't have it anymore.  Oh wait... yes I do, except I'm being told that I can't teach at all.  I'm no longer capable of working with children full-time.  Anyway, my point is that I can't fix my situation right now, but maybe I can help someone else stay in the classroom. 

Here's to hoping I find a job, keep my sanity, and don't have to turn in my beautiful truck!  Think happy thoughts and pray for me!  And if you hear of a job possibility, by all means, let me know!

Sick!

Yep, that's right, I'm sick!  To anyone who reads my blog or knows me, this isn't news lol.  I wish I could say it was just mentally, but no such luck.  I seem to be a walking infection.  In the last three weeks I've had a biopsy, bacterial infection, and now a virus.  That of course is on top of my regular headaches.  So, what does this mean for me?  

Well I've started looking for a new job/career.  I'm looking for a work from home or part-time position.  It also needs to be a quiet, low stress environment.  Ha!  I know.  Where the hell are those jobs?  My pharmacist's wife suggested maybe a funeral home. (Yes, I'm quite familiar with my pharmacy staff.)  I started to roll my eyes, but then I actually considered it for a minute.  It's definitely quiet!  

I started really applying for jobs this week though.  So far, the only one I've heard back from is for a personal assistant job.  The only problem is that after I sent my resume with ALL my contact information, I received a more complete job description from the gentleman.  No, it's not what you're thinking.  He didn't want any sort of relations, but he wanted me to mail checks for him to people that he was getting wrecked cars from because he sells the cars out of the country.  He would give me account numbers etc. and I was supposed to do the rest.  He said he lived in New York and was an American citizen.  Why would he want a personal assistant in Texas and why did he feel the need to tell me he's a citizen?  At the very least I think he could be dealing in stolen cars or wanting me to launder money.  Um yeah, I said no thank you.  Let's not forget though that he has my home address and phone number.  I have a feeling this one is going to come back to bite me!  I'm still waiting to hear back from several other, hopefully more legitimate, prospects.

The other thing that concerns me about being sick is the people I love.  My friends at work and my students pretty much think I've fallen off the planet.  My parents are torn between worrying about me and telling me to suck it up and go to work.  And then, there is my fairly new relationship.  I've found this great guy.  I'm just so terrified he's going to get fed up with my health issues.  He has shown me no indication that he is annoyed at all.  He checks on me and is really great.  The worries I have aren't based on anything he's said or done, but I guess more on my past relationships.  My ex-husband literally would leave the house when I didn't feel good because he just could not stand to be around sick people.  In his mind, people who get sick are weak.  Most guys I talked to after my divorce ran for the hills when I mentioned I have a health condition.  My boyfriend is absolutely amazing though which is probably why I'm so afraid of it not working out.  I'm working with my counselor on these insecurities.  

What is all this rambling about...  Well, let's sum it up into three goals.  Find a new job, get healthy, fight my neurotic tendencies.  Those are all pretty simple right :P

Mom

Last week I lost my grandmother.  My brother and I called her Mom.  We were lucky enough to grow up on the ranch with my grandparents less than a mile away.  I spent the first two years of my life with Mom.  She kept me everyday when my parents were at work.  We sat next to each other in her orange chair.  I learned my colors by looking at flower seed catalogs with her.  She always talked about how I used to say "lellow", but somehow managed to get out "gladiolas".  Mom also taught me how to read.  After those first two years, I still saw my grandparents nearly every afternoon.  Pop retired when I was maybe four, so I got to see him all the time after that.  We spent most weekends with them as well.  I learned how to cook the basics from her.  She tried to teach me to crochet, but I just didn't sit still long enough.  I spent so many hours sitting next to Mom in her chair.  When I got too big to fit in the chair with her, I sat on the armrest of her chair and Pop's chair.  Later I moved to the ottoman.  I always sat next to her though.  My seat at the table was next to her also.  Mom was my go to person when I felt down.  She was pretty shy and reserved, so when she said something it was important.  She always told me that if somebody didn't like me the way I am, they could just keep on walking.  I never heard her raise her voice in anger.  I didn't see Mom nearly as much as I should have the last few years.  I guess my only excuse was that seeing her so frail broke my heart.  Pop passed away in April.  They were married for 62 years.  Mom went to be with him less than a year later.  I went to see her the week before she died and I got to tell her about my sweet guy.  She was excited and I could tell it made her happy to see me happy.  I will miss Mom so much, just like I've missed Pop.  They helped make me who I am today and I know they were proud of me because they made it a point to say so.  They would tell me they loved me and were proud of me.  I love them and I'm proud of the life and family they created.  I'm so glad they're together now.  Mom's favorite flowers were irises, so these are for her.

I Wonder

 I wonder too much.

I wonder about everything.

I wonder what you did today.

I wonder what my dog is thinking.

I wonder what the weather is going to be like.

I wonder if something life altering will happen soon.

I wonder if you have dreams like I do.

I wonder if I will die old.

I wonder if I have met my second half or if I ever will.

I wonder how I will look in my 60s.

I wonder if true love is possible.

I wonder if you think your bed is more comfortable than mine.

I wonder if I’ll get to travel to far away places.

I wonder what you really think of my family.

I wonder if I will learn to take risks.

I wonder if you will take them with me.

I wonder why things end so slowly.

I wonder if my parents are disappointed in me.

I wonder if I will ever have a family.

I wonder if I am annoying.

I wonder why I care.

I wonder if you do, too.

I wonder if it’s possible to be addicted to ice cream.

I wonder how old the tree is at my grandparents’ house.

I wonder how bad getting a tattoo really hurts.

I wonder why I’m such a picky eater.

I wonder what it would be like to forget any painful event.

I wonder

I wonder

I wonder

what it’s like

not to wonder so much.

-No author found. Adapted by me.

The Wheels Keep Turning

When I was a kid my dad used to look at me and say he could "see the wheels turning".  As in, my brain is working overtime and I'm thinking really hard about something.  Those closest to me know the look on my face that signifies I'm deep in thought.  Lately, it seems I have this look all the time.  I can't stop thinking about things, to the point that I know I'm over-analyzing.  I know this is my reaction to fear, sometimes irrational fear, but I still can't seem to stop.  I'm not sleeping very well.  My stomach is upset.  I haven't been this happy in so long and it's like my brain is trying to prepare me for the worst.  Like maybe if I doubt things, when they do fall apart it won't hurt so much.  But is that really possible?  I'm so used to things falling apart that I have no idea how to just enjoy it.  Does anyone know how to turn off this over-analyzing?  How do people reassure themselves that the bottom doesn't always fall out from under them?  How do I get the wheels to stop turning?  See what I mean about over-thinking!  I'm not sure the hamsters will ever get tired.  Suggestions welcome!

Relationship Update

Well, it's been 4 weeks since I started talking to this great guy.  I'm not as scared as I was at first.  I just feel like I can trust him.  Things are going amazingly well!  Seriously, I think I've spent most of my life waiting for someone like him.  We have so much in common and have tons to talk about.  He just makes me smile.  I miss him during the week and live for the weekends when we can see each other.  He calls every night though and we have great conversations.  It feels like we've known each other for years.

He met my brother and sister-in-law last weekend and he'll meet my parents in a couple of weeks.  My brother said he seemed like a good guy and my brother doesn't like anyone! LOL  I will probably meet his children soon.  That is both nerve-racking and exciting.  I want so much for them to like me and for us to get along well.  To some it probably seems like this is going really fast, but honestly it doesn't feel that way.  We are getting to know each other and enjoying each others company.  We aren't making any long term commitments, just that we are together.  We are dating and seeing where is goes.  For once in my life, the man is on the same page and we are at the same maturity level.  I already have strong feelings for him.  I told my friend Jenny, "I kinda just know."  She said, "When you know, you know."