The Saddest Thing I've Ever Read

Dear Sister: Maybe You Will Be Alone Forever

Posted by:Anoymous
2:00PM, Thursday May 13th 2010

I’d like to say I don’t know why you’re letting him back into your life and bask in that ignorance, but I do know why. You’re almost 35 now and want nothing more than a flesh-and-blood child of your own with a man you love—more than you wanted that master’s degree, that great job you have, that beautiful house you bought with your own money or that strong, athletic body you worked so hard to get back after he broke your heart the last time and ran off with someone else.

We were raised to believe that we could have anything we wanted if we worked hard enough for it. We were also raised to believe—through offhanded comments and uncomfortable insinuations—that the most important thing as a woman is to have someone who loves you and to find him before it’s too late.

I understand why you let him come over now that he’s single again, clean out the gutters above the garage, and cook chicken and vegetables on the grill. The online dating sites didn’t work out and all of your friends of friends in that smallish town are married (most with kids), so it’s a comfort to have someone around who’s more than a friend—even if he’d never dare utter the words “I love you” after leading you on for seven years, making you believe he’d commit.

I never told you that he came on to me one night long ago when I was home on vacation from college. I was watching a movie in mom and dad’s room by myself while you were downstairs, probably helping dad with the computer like the patient daughter you are. He came in, sat too close to me and made a comment that made me uncomfortable; I laughed it off and suggested we go downstairs. I guess I never mentioned it to you because I was afraid you’d think I flirted back. 

And I never told you about how years later he told me—with an earnestness that almost made me believe him—that he was going to propose to you. This was after he’d left you, but you—being your forgiving self—had invited him out to the bar because he was “feeling lonely.” I never told you because even though I hoped it was true, I knew he’d never do it, and I didn’t want to give you false hope. 

Sometimes, when you’re able to stop masking your pain with that comedy routine about the last of your viable eggs, you open up to me on the phone. You tell me, with the kind of sincerity that could make cynics weep, that all you want is something simple—a beer on the porch after work with a man who loves you, a family. You tell me that you just want to be touched. Meanwhile, I’m on the other end, unsure what to say, watching my boyfriend make funny faces at me as he cooks us dinner. A lump fills my throat as I fight back tears, both from how sad I feel to know that you’re sad and how unfair it is that I have someone to share these loving acts of simplicity with, and someone as amazing as you does not. 

So what should I tell you over the phone when you say, with what I imagine to be glossy eyes, that it’s no big deal, that the two of you are friends now? I’m too much of a coward to tell you to kick him out of your house. If it makes you feel loved to have him there, the last thing I want to do is take that away from you—even though I know the best thing would be to get tough with you. Sometimes, though, those loving acts of simplicity aren’t so simple. 

Maybe I should try to forget how much he’s hurt you and just trust that you know what’s best for you. Still, I can’t shake the memory of that one time you called me crying after a drunken phone call from him—the one when he called you bad names because you admitted to him that, yes, you had slept with someone in the two years it had been since you broke up. 

So you should tell him to leave, and maybe, after some time alone, all the promises of those tired sayings—“you’ll find someone as soon as you’re happy with yourself” and “it will happen when you least expect it”—will come true. But what if they don’t? We were raised to believe that we could have anything we wanted if we worked hard enough for it. We were also raised to believe—through offhanded comments and uncomfortable insinuations—that the most important thing as a woman is to have someone who loves you and to find him before it’s too late. I know it wasn’t fair, and we fought through it pretty well. But the residue of that upbringing still remains. 

You are the greatest person I know, and you would be an amazing mother. You deserve to have everything you dream about. If you work too hard to find love, though, it seems you never find it. I swear I can hear you doing math in your head, wondering how many years before you could settle down and have a baby if you met someone today. I know because I’ve done similar math in different romantic scenarios. We don’t admit to the calculations, though, because that’s not how strong, smart women like us are supposed to think. 

Maybe you won’t find anyone else. What if, as you fear, you’re alone forever? I love you so much that when that fear causes you pain, it makes my heart hurt. My heart hurts, too, because your fears are the same as mine.  

This was originally posted on thefrisky.com by an anonymous author.  After reading it, I sobbed because these are exactly my own fears.  

It's Fall Y'all

*This entry should be read in your best Texas accent.  Do not pronounce any -ing endings.  Words with a long i sound like right are more like riiight.  Y'all really should be readin' as if you could talk like Sandra Bullock in Hope Floats or Reece Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama.  

If you haven't ever experienced fall in Texas then you might have a hard time understanding how I grew up.  Now I'm not talking about the weather.  We barely even have a weather change for most of what we refer to as fall.  It's still hot as hell here and I've gotten quite a few sunburns on Thanksgiving.  What I'm talking about is culture.

Two very important things start in the fall, football season and hunting season.  That means everyone in my small town does a couple of things.  They go renew their hunting licenses down at Wal-Mart and they go get a new t-shirt in school colors to wear to the games on Friday night.  The newest thing for the ladies is to have our team logo in sequins on their t-shirt!  Yep, small town Texas, people and I love it!

Let me tell you about hunting season first.  Mainly guys and a few girls age five to 75 will sit around any field or small body of water in the evenings.  Around here we call those tanks, but most of the world would refer to them as ponds.  They sit in lawn chairs and lots of them have a cooler of beer, but my family has a no drinking and shooting policy thank goodness!  Everybody waits for the dove to fly over the tank and then BAM, BAM, BAMBAM, the shooting commences!  There could be seven or eight people shooting at the same time.  Sometimes the whole group will only come back with six birds.  Other times they bring back 75.  They clean them and then package them to freeze.  At the end of the season we have a big dove fry and cook the dove several different ways and everyone who hunted brings their family.  My family eats what we hunt.  We do not hunt simply to kill.  On any given weekend there might be three generations sitting at the tank hunting birds- my dad, my brother, and my niece and nephew.

 Pat Green "West Texas Holiday"  Scroll down the page and click on this song.  Pat Green does an awesome job at bringing a little humor to the whole frenzy that is dove season in Texas.

Now onto football.  Football in Texas, and well most of the South for that matter, is a HUGE deal!  Thursday night is 7th,8th, 9th, and junior varisty games.  Friday night is varsity.  Saturday is youth football and of course college games.  Sunday and Monday and whatever other day is Pro football.  We start our kids off in youth football at age six.  At ten years old they practice three days a week.  I'm talking about full-on tackle, not flag football either.  When I went into the hair salon the other day, one of the moms was talking to me about what it would have taken last week for my nephew's team to win.  He's ten.  She was Monday morning quarterbacking the peewee team.  Now that may seem overboard, but at the same time, after every game, my only question to my nephew is did you have FUN and he's having the time of his life!  These boys go on to play middle school and then high school ball and the entire town comes out to watch them.  My family and friends have season tickets to the high school games.  We've had the same seats for as long as I can remember.  We have a block of about 20.  There were eight just from my family there last night.  My dad and my brother played on the varsity team in high school and I imagine my nephews will too.  If they don't though, that's fine, but if they do, we'll be right there where we always are cheering as loud as we can for them.  Friday night football with my family is one of the things I love about being back home! 

Kenny Chesney "The Boys of Fall" Video  This video explains more about the feeling of football than I ever could.

First Week

The first week of school with my students went really well!  I have some sweet kids this year.  They seem so young though!  Every year I forget how much they grow and mature over nine months.  Quite a few of my students from last year dropped by my room to say hi.  That really and truly makes my day.

It was also the first week of this semester of grad school.  So far so good, it seems much slower paced than the summer course.  Thank you Jesus!  I couldn't do two classes like that one.  Now if I can just stay awake long enough when I get home to get my home work done, I'll be doing great!  

The first few weeks back with the kids takes time to get used to.  I'm exhausted!  Good news though, with all this schooling, maybe I won't think about dating and other junk so much. Ha! Yeah right :)

Back to School

School starts Monday.  Wow, my entire summer disappeared in a blur!  This week has been all pointless meetings.  Seriously why do they think we need five days of meetings to remind us how to do a job we went through four years of college for.  It's not like we forgot our entire education over the summer.  We know we are supposed to greet students at the door and smile.  Oh and crap I almost forgot I was supposed to take grades!  I'm so glad I had five days of meetings to relearn how to enter numbers into a computer!  I would be so lost without all of these printed power point handouts in every freaking color of the rainbow.  Seriously, what happened to budget cuts?!? How about using a little less paper, geniuses?  Then maybe we could order desks for our students!  I teach because I love kids.  I don't want to listen to a bunch of adults ramble on.  Thank goodness the little smart mouths will be there Monday.  I really do enjoy them.  They keep me young.  Good luck to my fellow educators and good luck to all the students going back to school!  Your teachers really do love you! :D

The Remaining Bachelors

There are others I went out with that didn't make the list.  Some I still talk to and are nice guys.  Others weren't memorable enough.  I have started to call myself the One Date Wonder lol!  I'm friends with a couple of the guys.  There just wasn't any chemistry.  There are several that I talk to online that I've never met.  We are friends online and we discuss our dating difficulties.  After Stan though, I'm no longer active in the online dating world.  I prefer to meet people through friends or family.  I need references lol!  At one time I was on match.com, Yahoo Personals, eHarmony, chemistry.com, Plenty of Fish, Okcupid, and two others.  I have closed all the paid accounts.  There is one profile left on a free site, that I check every couple of months out of boredom, but I'm definitely jaded.  I'm doing my best to let it happen naturally.  Letting things happen naturally is just not part of my personality, but I'm trying.

Bachelor #5

I met this guy on yahoo personals.  I'll call him Stan.  He is the most pivotal bachelor in my list.  We immediately had lots to talk about and met after a week or two of chatting and talking on the phone.  It went incredibly well.  He was great!  Stan made me feel so good about myself.  He told me I was intelligent and beautiful.  He checked on me almost daily because I was going through testing and trying to figure out what was wrong with my brain before I was officially diagnosed with IIH. 

We continued to talk and tried to see each other when we could, but he lived two hours away.  His job kept him on the road a lot.  Stan's dad went into the hospital right after we met and had major health problems.  He was in his late 70s.  A month or so after we started seeing each other his dad was diagnosed with cancer, so Stan spent every weekend at his parents' ranch trying to help his mom take care of everything.  I got to see him maybe once a month when he could find time, but we talked everyday on the internet and sometimes on the phone.  After seeing each other for several months, he started talking to me about moving to where he lived so he could see me more.  He talked about having children with me and introducing me to his parents and how I'd make a great mother.  He just never had time to see me. 

I was fresh out of an unhappy marriage and saw what I wanted to see.  I missed all the warning signs.  I hated not getting to see him, but he made me feel so good when I was with him.  Stan was also a major manipulator.  When I didn't answer his texts right away, he'd accuse me of cheating on him.  In reality, I was sitting at home missing him and was usually asleep by the time he texted.  Several times I tried to stop talking to him and he would tell me he loved me and that I was breaking his heart.  He said he couldn't lose me and deal with his dad dying of cancer and everything else.  I stayed in this relationship for over six months.  I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, and Spring Break in a relationship, but without him there.  I kept thinking he would have time for me when everything with his dad was sorted out, so I didn't complain or pressure too much.  I even skipped my nephew's birthday party because Stan really needed to see me.  They had gotten a bad report about his dad, so of course I went.  I just got tired of being in a relationship, but being alone all the time.  I missed him so much. 

I had googled him before we met and no red flags showed up.  After being with him for six months, I was so frustrated.  My friend and I were talking about the whole mess and she said, "Something isn't right."  I said, "I know, but I looked him up.  I didn't find anything.  He just doesn't have any time because of his job and his dad has cancer."  My friend being the intelligent woman that she is, decided to research him again.  She came across a woman's name with Stan's on a website, so she looked up the woman on Facebook.  Interestingly enough, the woman's page was public.  My friend was on the phone with me and said to look at the page, so we are simultaneously looking at this random woman's Facebook page.  I'll call her Kristy.  I started looking through her pictures and there was Stan holding puppies that he told me his dog just had.  The puppies I had offered to take care of while he went to his parents.  I continued frantically looking through her pictures and then I come upon them, the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen, their wedding pictures.  According to the date she labeled with the photos, Stan got married the weekend AFTER our first date! 

I was absolutely and completely destroyed.  I cried for hours.  I gained enough composure and called him.  Naturally he didn't answer the phone.  He never answered his phone, so I left him a voicemail.  I said, "I saw your wedding pictures. You and Kristy look very happy together and her dress is beautiful.  I don't know why you chose me to F*&$ with, but don't ever try to contact me again.  Stay away from me."  My message was calm and to the point.  I wanted Stan to know that I saw those pictures and I knew his wife's name.  I don't normally use the F-word either, but I wanted him to know I was serious.  He called me and messaged me all the next day.  I finally answered because I had to know why.  He said sometimes he believed it too.  I didn't know whether to keep crying or punch him in the face. He asked if I was going to tell his wife and he said he was so sorry he hurt me and that he really did love me.  I just replied, "This is how this is going to work.  I won't ever talk to you again and you don't EVER talk to me again.  Stay away from me." 

I thought about what to do for a long time.  I thought about contacting Stan's wife and telling her everything, but I just couldn't.  I realized I didn't want to be the one to ruin her otherwise happy life.  I didn't want to make anyone feel the way he made me feel.  I just couldn't do that.  I hope he never does it again, but he probably will and I'm sorry for her.  All I know is that it has been a year since I told him to stay away and he has.  I just wish the damage wasn't there.  I don't trust men anymore.  He hurt me and burned me.  It left wounds that can only be healed by a good man.  I haven't given up, but I'm much more careful.  Stan made me afraid.  He made me afraid of people from other places.  He made me afraid to date men outside of my little town.  Men in my town are safe because I know them.  I know their family and friends.  I damn sure know they aren't married!  It's very hard to hide anything in a town of 8,000 people!  I hope I meet that man who can help me heal.  In the meantime, I'm waiting (not so) patiently.

Bachelor #4

I can thank match.com for introducing me to this unusual man.  We emailed for a couple days and he suggested we meet for a drink. I knew he had a grown daughter and he said he owned a Mexican restaurant.  Everyone knows how I LOVE some Mexican food, so that was a major plus.  He was 32 and the daughter was 20.  She was his biological niece and his sister had died when the girl was 10 so he adopted her.  That was a reasonable explanation for having a grown child at the age of 32, even somewhat commendable.  We met for a drink and he was decent looking.  However, he brought friends along and they were a strange mix of people.  There was a nice black guy, a white guy dressed like a thug, and a 22 year old girl with pink hair.  They were having quite a few drinks and shots.  I was not impressed.  I was able to talk to my date a little when the rest were dancing.  The more he drank, the more he discussed his life in reality and not what he had implied previously.  He also showed me pictures of his "grandbaby" and she called him Papa.  I don't even have my own children yet!  It was way too weird for me.  Then I asked him about his restaurant and it turns out he did NOT own a Mexican restaurant.  He was a manager for a taco trailer where construction workers get lunch on the job site.  He also was proud to mention he was "on salary now."  Whoo Hoo.  This night went from bad to worse when his friends except for the pink-haired girl left him.  They lived in a town 45 minutes away and had no ride home.  Lucky me, I was sober and could drive... So I drove them home.  Then I had to drive another hour back to my town.  I got a message from him a few days later asking if I'd had a good time.  Umm, what do you think buddy???  I replied that we didn't seem to have much in common.  I don't care if this all makes me sound like an elitist.  I am not going out with a 32 year old man who constantly talks about his grandbaby and runs a taco shack!  So the search continues...

For those of you who aren't familiar, the is an example of a taco trailer.