I heart Craig Ferguson

On occasion I stay up late enough to catch The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.  I just have to say he freaking cracks me up!  The only part of his show I don't like is the weird skeleton robot guy that says "in your pants" all the time.  He needs to be sent to the junkyard car crusher!  Craig became a U.S. citizen which many actors don't feel the need to do.  I find his interest in our country admirable.  I also love his sense of humor.  He's clearly very secure with himself.  Craig Ferguson is one sexy man and it's all because of his personality.  On a side note, Rachael Ray was on his show tonight. Was it just me or did she totally look like a cast member of Jersey Shore?!?  Snooki could totally be her in 10 years!  Ladies, lay off the bronzer!  You're Italian not orangutans!  People are not supposed to be orange.  Whew!  I feel better now that I got that off my chest.

*Disclaimer- I do not think Rachael Ray is an unattractive person. I don't think Snooki is unattractive either, nuts maybe, but not ugly.  The point was that they are over doing it with the tanner/bronzer products.  Rachael Ray doesn't always look like that either, but there for a while, she was looking pretty Jersey!  Why do attractive people feel the need to mess up a good thing is what I'm saying?!!

A Note About My Almost Sister

One of my very best friends has a blog that recently received quite a bit of attention.  Many of the comments people wrote were really harsh.  I'm the big sister and I felt the need to jump in and defend her. I don't think we need to agree, but we need to respect other people's opinions and not jump down their throat if they say something we don't like.  Here is my response to all those negative and frankly, mean comments.

Ok, to all the people who griped about the being skinny post, stop and take a minute to look in the mirror. You think you are superior to the author because you are less shallow and that you are emotionally healthier because you don't judge based on weight. However, you wrote hateful comments to a person you don't even know. How is that showing you don't judge? I have known her since she was born. She is the closest thing to a sister I have. We don't always agree. That's life. That's what makes the world go round. I'm a size 18. I HATE running. To be really honest I'm happy with my life and how I look in my clothes. There are certain parts of my body I wish were maybe firmer, but overall it just isn't something I put much focus on. Never once has she made negative comments to me about my weight or activity level. She loves me as is no matter what. Do I agree with everything she wrote in that post? No. Does it change anything between us? Absolutely not. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. If you don't like hers, go read something else. Oh, and learn to realize when something is just supposed to be funny. Sarcasm and exaggerations are her thing. If you don't like it, get bent.

Cry Baby

I'm a cry baby.  I cry when I get angry and when I'm upset.  Last year I started BAWLING because I thought my principal was going to retire.  I teared up when my 10 year old nephew caught an interception during his football game because I was so damn proud of him.  I cry during movies like Steel Magnolias, Brokeback Mountain, and even episodes of Bones.  In the last few years though I've cried a LOT, mainly because I'm heartbroken, feeling the emptiness of not having children, or grieving for loved ones who died or are suffering.  I've also cried when I was in pain and frustrated with IIH.  There has been so much to cry about in the last few years, but now I have a new reason to cry.

Tonight I cried tears of pure JOY.  They came streaming down my face and continue as I write this.  As I cried, I put my hands together and prayed.  Out loud.  I usually pray a silent prayer every night, but never out loud when I'm alone.  Tonight though I prayed out loud and I thanked God.  I thanked Him for answering my little prayers. 

Why am I thanking Him?  Because after praying for years to meet a good man, a kind man, a loving man, God put this man in front of me.  About three weeks ago I decided to try online dating one last time.  I decided to be much pickier this time.  I knew what I didn't want for sure.  I worked on my profile and had a guy friend look over it.  Then I began searching.  I glanced over a few profiles, but nothing really stood out.  Then I saw his.  He's my age, the build I prefer, a non-smoker, no cats, and we had quite a few similiar interests.  What really caught my eye though was his writing.  He wrote his profile as if it were important.  There were no errors or shorthand text lingo.  He put thought into it.  I messaged him and said I enjoyed reading his profile and listed some things we have in common.  Then said he should check out my profile and message if he was interested.  Within a few hours we were chatting online.  The next night we were talking on the phone.  We talked for hours each day either online or on the phone.  Two weeks ago we had our first date.  I was so nervous after being on one crappy date after another.  Once I was with him for a few minutes though, it turned into a nervous excitement.  He was so easy to talk to.  He planned the date and took me to a restaurant I had casually mentioned in conversation that was good.  This guy listened to me!  After dinner he took me to see a band he thought I'd like based on our mutual music tastes.  He had tickets reserved so we just had to walk in.  He checked my coat and opened doors, including the car door!  The band was really good.  I remember how they sounded, but I couldn't tell you a single song they sang.  I was too amazed at this man.  He was a gentleman. He paid attention to things I mentioned casually.  He planned our date out to the last detail.  He complimented me.  He gave me a goodnight kiss and then I went home.  A friend asked me how our date was and I said, "It was probably..." and I thought of a past date to compare it to, like one of the top five dates.  Then it came to me.  I said, "It was probably THE best date I've ever had." 

We talked everyday after that and had our second date yesterday.  We went to one of my favorite restaurants.  He already had it planned out.  Then we went to a hockey game.  It was something I'd mentioned in conversation that I thought was fun.  It was just as awesome as the first date.  

I almost feel like I'm holding my breath because I'm so used to things failing.  He likes me as much as I like him though, even more if that's possible.  He takes the time to plan dates we'll both enjoy.  He calls me every night and texts me at least once each day.  For the first time ever I'm on the same page with a guy.  We have discussed not rushing things even though we both feel like this is going somewhere.  We're still in the kissing phase and it's a good phase.  We're taking time to really get to know each other.  I'm not going to meet his children for a while.  That was something I mentioned first, but he was in total agreement on.  He agreed and said, "Absolutely, I don't want to introduce anyone to my kids until I know we're a team."  That just somehow seemed like the right answer to me.  

For now I'm enjoying the tears and letting them flow.  Hopefully I can write more about him in the future.  But, if nothing really comes of this relationship, I'll be okay because at least now I know there are truly good men out there.

Family Disclaimer

When I read back on my New Year's post, I realized that it could have sounded as if my family didn't pay attention to my birthday.  That isn't the case.  My mom baked a cake for me and they wanted to go out to dinner and a movie, but I was sick.  As far as gifts go, my family isn't really into gifts.  When I was growing up the importance was placed on the occasion, not the gifts.  We celebrate Christmas as the birth of Christ and focus on that.  We mark the day by getting together with family and enjoying the blessings we have.  We do presents for the kids, but that's all really.  Birthdays are also a time that we celebrate with family and very close friends.  We rarely had birthday parties growing up and we usually got one gift.  Because of these traditions I feel like I'm more appreciative of my family and I'm not too materialistic.  When I wrote that I bought myself the only gift, it was a statement of independence.  I am able to buy what I need and want within reason.  It feels good sometimes to be able to do that for myself.

New Year, New You

How many times do we hear about the new year being a new beginning? It seems like a constant barrage of diet commercials, online dating ads, and any other sort of self-help gimmick available.  Well, the other day I had my 31st birthday and then a few days later, the new year came.  I can't say I feel a bit different.  This year seems just like last year.  But then again, I didn't start a new diet or sign up for eharmony or match.  That could be the problem! LOL! 

What should I do to make this year feel different, to make this year BE different?  I'm getting in touch with old friends and weeding some others out.  I will continue seeing my therapist and the acupuncturist.  I also intend to do what's best for me, not everyone else.  The only birthday or Christmas present I received this time was from myself.  I am the only one who can truly make this year different for myself.  Hopefully by the end of this year I will have made a positive change in my life.  I will wait for the day I feel renewed.  I can't promise I'll wait patiently, but I'm trying.  Happy Birthday and Happy New Year to me and to y'all!

Pin Cushion

For the last 3 weeks I've been going to an acupuncturist.  At this point I'm desperate to find anything that will help.  I've tried medicines, ice packs, nerve blocks in my head and neck, a caffeine cocktail IV, and spinal taps.  After a month off work something better work or I'll lose my job and that means I lose my health insurance.

A Vietnamese woman my mom knows recommended I try acupuncture and told us where to go.  This sweet Korean lady has her PhD and retired from nursing in the U.S.  She has been working to help my headaches, back pain from the spinal tap, and upset stomach from all the medications I take.

I was amazed at what she could tell from looking at my tongue and asking me some questions.  She is very insightful, but above that, I feel better.  I actually feel better!  I'm drinking a different pH water from her also.  She had me cut out cheese which was difficult- lol.  It's working to the point I've been able to lower my dosage on one medication and completely quit taking another two.  This woman is truly a gift from God.  She talks to me about my broken heart and shares about her own divorce.  I leave there every time feeling renewed. 

My grandma would always equate getting shots and having blood drawn to feeling like a pin cushion.  I'm sure I look like a giant pin cushion during my sessions!  I feel like one sometimes, but I'm just so grateful to feel better that it really doesn't matter.

Good Day

For the last 3 weeks, I've been off work.  I had to have a spinal tap and have been extremely ill.  I won't be returning to work until January and I miss my students terribly.  I've been pretty down lately.  Last week my parents were at the cattle auction in town and asked me to meet them up there after my doctor's appointment.  

I went up there to sit with my dad and there was this little kid running around the auction barn.  He had a snotty nose and was just filthy, but absolutely adorable in his cowboy boots and wrangler jeans.  He would sit and sing really loud and play like he had a guitar for a while.  Then he'd run around and jump up and down the bleachers.  As he's running by, the old men would talk to him a little and they apparently knew who he was.  My dad said he's there every week.  The whole time he's doing this, the auction is going on and cattle are coming through and it doesn't phase him or anyone else.  My dad pointed out his father and told me he was a cattle buyer for one of the large companies that sends cattle to the stockyards.  I started talking to the little boy and he told me his name and and that he was 4 years old. Then as he ran around he'd come back and talk to me a little. 

After a while my parents and I went into the cafe area to get a burger.  This adorable little guy came and sat with me and I gave him my chips.  He didn't want part of the burger.  He was perusing a tractor catalog and could tell me what was a combine versus a tractor or a bulldozer.  I asked him what kind of tractor the green ones were and he knew John Deere.  I told him what kind the red and blue were and then he went through the entire catalog telling me what they all were.  He said yes ma'am and was just about the cutest thing I've ever seen.  When he ran off to get himself some sweet tea from the dispenser, the lady in the cafe told us that his mother just up and left one day.  Instead of taking him to daycare, his daddy takes him with him to all the different cattle auctions he goes to throughout the week.

I spent nearly 3 hours playing with this little boy and teaching him things.  I wiped his nose and put chapstick on his chapped face.  It was the best day I'd had in so long.  I asked my dad to go with me to the auction again this week.  He jokingly said he didn't want to be a part of me stalking a 4 year old.  I said, "Well, he doesn't have a mama and I don't have a kid."  I'm not sure if I'll go up there tomorrow or not, but I'd love to go hangout and talk tractors with that sweet boy again.