Pepper 1999-2012

I said goodbye to my best friend of 13 years today.

Love and Other Drugs

Love and Other Drugs is a movie about a young woman with Parkinson's and her boyfriend as their relationship progresses.  It show the struggles of living with her illness and trying to have a real relationship with a future.  The first time I saw it, I hated it.  It made me cry and it hit way too close to home.  I was watching it with my boyfriend at the time and I could see his face as it was hitting him and he was realizing how similar this girl's situation was to mine.  I saw him thinking how this wasn't what he signed up for.  He really didn't talk to me for the rest of the night.  Needless to say our relationship didn't last.

I thought about the movie several times since then and I watched it again.  This time though I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.  That was a major difference.  I was able to see other similarities besides having a long term illness.  I have a lot to offer the right guy, just like she did.  I will encourage him and build him up.  I also realized that relationship is what I want.  I don't want a knight in shining armor to save me.  I just want the one who will stay around when things get hard.  This is my favorite part of the movie.  It completely sums up how I feel and what I'm waiting for.

Another One Bites the Dust

Yep, you guessed it.  The latest one and I broke up after three pretty great months.  I'm not really sure why.  He just said he didn't feel the same way about me anymore.  I have a ton of guesses as to why, but that doesn't make it easier.  All I know is I drove another one away.  Go me!  I really wish I hadn't taken him to two family reunions and introduced him to EVERYONE before he decided to split.  Pretty freaking embarrassing!  I typically like to keep my failures to myself.  Guess that's out of the question this time. Ugh.  Oh and my family loved him, even my grandmother.  So glad I get to explain this one to everyone.

Sweet Times

I haven't really posted in a while, so it's time for an update.  Things at work haven't been going too well.  I still enjoy my job, but I've missed a lot due to headaches.  With the help of my boss, I realized it's time to apply for disability.  I'm just getting started in the process, so I'll try to post updates.  On the upside, I've been dating a great guy for about a month.  It was really unexpected.  Things with us are just so easy.  That's a new feeling.  We get along great and I've been very upfront about my condition so he knows exactly what he's getting into with me.  My family really likes him too.  My track record isn't great as you know, so I'm pretty nervous.  I am scared of getting hurt again.  I really really like this guy though and the possible positive outcome far outweighs any negative outcome.  Right now we are trying to take things slowly and  enjoy each other as much as we can!  It's so amazing to feel this happy again :)

Jumping on the Bandwagon

For years I've been proud of the fact that out of my friends, I'm one of the few who doesn't have a tattoo.  I'm not exactly trendy.  A few months before my 30th birthday I really started thinking about getting one.  It's been over two years and I'm still thinking about it.  I feel like I'm grounded enough in who I am to decide on something really permanent.  When I was younger I couldn't think of anything I would want to look at for the REST OF MY LIFE.  After thinking about it this long though, I know what's important to me.  I know who I am.  The options I considered are something symbolizing God and/or family.  The inner side of my foot seems like a safe place to get a tattoo as far as professional careers are concerned.  I haven't talked to any artists yet and I haven't chosen a font or exact design, but I think I know what I want.  I want some version of this verse from the book of Isaiah.  It encourages me and reminds me no matter how lonely I feel that I'm never actually alone.  God is there.  I would like feedback from people.  To tattoo or not to tattoo?  Those that know me, do you think I'm ready for this kind of permanency?  Do you think I will regret it later?  If you have one, what kind of flack did you catch from your family?  Weigh in y'all!

Time Shouldn't Change

It's that time again.  Yep, it's 1:30 AM and I'm awake because my body is an hour behind.  Daylight savings time has passed its prime!  What a colossal waste of energy!  Monday morning is going to be especially cruel this time.

On a more pleasant note, I figured out the answer to my question from the previous post.  Since I was lying here wide awake tonight I decided to do some reading.  I found my Bible and read the book of Genesis, then skimmed through passages I've been underlining since about eighth grade.  It was right there all along.  What do people do when they don't know what else to do?  What do they do when they have nothing to look forward to?  Pray.  Then, pray some more.  I don't know God's reasoning, but I know He has a plan for me.  I know I'm not meant to flounder about at age 32.  I will work on becoming the woman God wants me to be and maybe, just maybe God will bring that love and family I'm hoping for.  I know He will bring me through this.

Time Stands Still

I have so little inspiration to write lately. I do the same thing every week, go to work, go home, go out with friends on the weekend, go home alone. Pretty uneventful.  Life isn't moving forward and I'm at a point where I don't know how to move it forward.  What do people do when there isn't anything to look forward to?  That's where I'm at right now.