Happy 2013

Well, it's that time again.  Everyone is making resolutions and hoping for the best.  Christmas has come and gone and so has my birthday.  I'm now the big 3-3.  That just sounds horrible! Lol.  Last night I started the celebrations with my family and adopted aunts and uncles.  That was the most fun of the night.  I then went to the only bar in my little town and watched the parade of white trash in glitter and sequins.  I begged my friend to go to a local restaurant where one of my good friends was DJing.  There, I found a couple people to hang out with, so she went back to the tacky, smokey bar.  After midnight, I went and had a beer with my agoraphobic friend and then went home and had myself a good cry.  Nothing like the holidays to remind you your life sucks.  I know that I have a pretty good life considering, but sometimes it's pretty depressing.  I've really been trying to focus on the positive.  I'm not making any so-called resolutions, but I am going to try to be positive.  I have a roof over my head, a wonderful family, and friends that care about me, not to mention the cutest little doggie in the world.  I'm currently in a strange sort of relationship.  I'm happy with him, but it's not something we are telling people.  In this small town, neither of us are ready for all the attention that follows.  What's really great though is he's one of my best friends.  He's been there for me through my last two break ups.  He checks on me when I'm sick and is just genuinely considerate.  My goal right now is to be happy with things as they are and not push for more.  He isn't ready and there really is no rush.  I don't want to be with anyone else.  I've had some offers, but I'm just not interested.  I'm really enjoying things as they are, so it's all a matter of attitude.  I need to remember that I am happy and things are good, so why mess with a good thing, right :)  I simply need to remember that God will provide what I NEED.

Happy New Year! 

Moving Along

Life is moving right along, nothing exciting, nothing new really, pleasant and pretty uneventful. That of course means I don't have a lot of material to write about, hence the low number of new posts by yours truly.  I have had a few interesting customers at work.  It's been an experience going from public school to working with the "adult" public.  Some of them still have some growing up to do!  I have been treated as if I am a complete idiot who obviously must not have much education since I'm just a lowly secretary.  Yes, I'm being sarcastic.  It has been interesting to see how people react to me though.  Some customers prefer talking to a man and some just prefer talking to someone other than a secretary.  I wonder what they would think if I hung my college diploma above my desk?  On a positive note, we do have many great customers who are very appreciative of our service.

My personal life is going fine, nothing really new and exciting there either.  There aren't any major prospects in the romance department.  I don't know that I'm looking very hard.  I'm enjoying having fun with friends.  I did have an 18 year old hit on me! lol  That was a nice little self-esteem booster, albeit creepy.

I really wrote a lot the last year or so and would love comments from people.  They don't have to be positive necessarily.  I'd love some insight and politely worded honesty or even just a "been there too".  Hope you enjoy reading my jumbled thoughts!  I'm off to take a glorious nap and continue waiting not so patiently...

I'm Back Y'all!

It's been six months since I started applying for jobs in the big city and  I haven't found anything.  Well, actually, no one chose me.  My current position is a whopping 4.5 hours a week!  That does not even come close to paying the bills!  I've been staying with my cousin three days a week when I worked and then coming back to my little town the rest of the time.  I've been hoping something full-time would come up so I can move to the big city, but it just hasn't happened and my family can't keep supporting me, nor do I want them to.  Last weekend I ran into a friend from high school and she told me one of the local insurance agencies was looking for an office assistant.  I happened to have my resume in my truck and so she passed it along to her friend who worked there.  When I got home I emailed my resume and cover letter to the agency manager.  He emailed me back within a couple of hours.  I had an interview on Thursday and Friday I started working.  I am now employed full-time!!!  Thank you, Jesus!  I had some reservations before the interview because taking this job means giving up my big city dreams for a while, like at least a couple of years.  I talked to my boyfriend also because I wasn't sure what this meant for us either.  He was extremely supportive and said he had no problem coming to see me more often.  For the last few months I've been in his city, so I always went to see him.  Knowing that he was supportive helped a lot.  I already knew a couple of the people in the office and the other three are great so far.  It's a small office and a very low stress group.  I think this job is exactly what I need right now.  It's in a fairly quiet environment.  The people are friendly.  It's not a stressful place at all.  I'm getting used to the idea that I'm going to be working in my hometown, the town where gossip abounds.  My dad already reminded me, no more going to the local bar! lol!  He wasn't kidding though.  I haven't worked in my hometown since high school.  It's been twelve years since I've been a full-time resident here.  It has it's perks though.  I really enjoy seeing familiar faces come in the office every day.  I can't tell you how many people have congratulated me on the job, knowing what I've been through the last few years.  The people really are supportive and I've missed that.  I'm going to have to get used to having to go out of town to have a drink, but oh well.  My aunt always says when God closes a door, he opens a window.  I think this time instead of a window it was more like a screen door!  But then, that is where I feel most comfortable.

Country Girl's Dream

Monday night I had the opportunity to go to a concert that is every country girl's dream!  It was a benefit concert for the Central Texas area wildfires.  The line up included George Strait, Willie Nelson, The Dixie Chicks, Asleep at the Wheel, Randy Rogers Band, and at least four others.  It was AMAZING!!!  This really is a once in a life time type of line up.  What's even cooler is that all the musicians that performed are from Texas.  Y'all know how much I love Texas!  My seats weren't quite as stellar as the music, but that's okay.  I was sorta behind the stage, but very close, so I could see the performers talking to the band and watch them when the first walked on stage, so it turned out well.  They music was perfect.  I knew every song the five big performers played.  My boyfriend went with me. (yes, we're back on)  He's not a huge country music fan, but he had a good time and was a good sport about how completely excited I was.  I clapped and danced in my seat and sang and oh it was awesome!  If you don't know who these musicians are, you really need to look them up!

The Dixie Chicks

Willie Nelson

(Deborah Cannon AMERICAN-STATESMAN- all 3 photos)

George Strait waves to the crowd as he walks onstage at Fire Relief: The Concert for Central Texas at the Frank Erwin Center on Monday, October 17, 2011

 

Magnetic Personality

Apparently I have one of those magnetic personalities.  Too bad it's the insane freaks that I seem to draw in.  They're like a moth to flame!  Seriously, why?  The last few months I've tried to be friends with an ex-boyfriend.  Yeah, not my brightest moment I know.  Basically, I feel bad for him because he has some anxiety issues and therefore, not many friends.  We hang out and chit chat or whatever.  I went over the other night and he proceeded to put the moves on me.  When I said no, he called me a bitch.  Yes, a grown man called me a bitch for not sleeping with him.  I looked at him and said that wasn't nice and he said, "Well, you're being a bitch."  I said, "Okay, I can be a bitch at home. Bye."  I hadn't talk to him since.  Then tonight this genius texts me and asks me to come over.  I reminded him that he called me a bitch last time we hung out.  He said sorry and then asked if we could have sex!  I'm like ummm, NO.  I said I just want to be friends with him.  He said, "Hellooo, haven't you heard of friends with benefits???".  I said no again and added a smiley face.  He told me to go to hell!  Then he texts me again five minutes later asking if I'll come over tomorrow. Um yeah, sure, ok.  HA!  Charmers like that get me every time. *Insert eye roll here.

Best of Fall

It's that time again. Yep, fall in Texas.  We've had a cool front and the past week the high has only been in the 90s verses the 108 degree weather we've had half of the summer.  It'll be back in the 100s tomorrow.  It has been brutally HOT here!  Anyone with a television is aware of the wildfires in the past few weeks.

Dove hunting season also started a couple of weeks ago. Today our family is having one of our big dove cookouts.  They're frying dove, making chicken-fried venison, and my favorite, "white wings".  White wings are dove breast stuffed with jalapeno and cheese and wrapped in bacon.  Yummy!  My mother also makes THE best chicken fried steak, venison, or chicken fried anything for that matter.  It's going to be a big group.  Of course we can't have fall without football, so the dove fry is scheduled around the Cowboys game.  Food, family, and football!  What could be better!  I'm also excited that my boyfriend will be here for this one :)

Happy Fall Y'all!

Texas is a sad looking place this year.

Please donate to help Texas Wildfire Victims!

Life as I Know it

I've been MIA lately.  I haven't felt like writing and I wasn't sure what to write because I've been dealing with all of these feelings in my head and trying to figure them out. After like eight months, the boyfriend and I are done.  It was his choice, not mine.  We've discussed it several times over the past week and it really is over.  So I was with this guy less than a year.  What's the big deal?  Why am I so broken over it?  I've been doing some serious soul searching to figure out why I'm so torn up over this break up.  Is it really about him?  Yes and no.  Did I love him? Yeah.  Did I love him more than I've loved anyone else ever?  No.  My temporary job ended about the same time as our relationship and I had to leave Austin and come back home.  Again.

Here's what I realized over the past week or so.  I've been waiting for the past three years.  I've been waiting for my life to change.  I've taken steps to change it, but for some reason, it's just not happening.  Maybe there isn't a job in Austin.  No knight in shining armor is going to ride in and save me, that's for sure.  I'm in this position due to my own decisions, but also due to events out of my control.  Basically I have to stop waiting for things to change.  I have to accept that this is my life.  Period.  I live in this little town, in this little house, BY MYSELF.  This is my life.  I have to accept it completely.  I somehow have to come to terms with that.  Am I depressed about it?  Hell yes I am!  I'm teetering on the edge of disappearing into oblivion or sucking it up and cleaning this disaster of a house and just dealing with it.  My current method of dealing with it though is just staying in bed in the dark.  Yes, I realize this is not healthy.  Yes, I realize I sound whiny and pathetic. 

I know there are starving people in Africa and homeless people all over the world.  I know there are people who don't have a family to support them and help them.  I'm working really hard to remember this and try not to feel too sorry for myself.  Finally accepting my life is going to take some time though.

What Happened to Fidelity?

I was talking to a friend the other day and I learned something disheartening.  A couple we both know aren't as strong as they seem.  He has had an affair and encouraged his friend to do the same.  They are active in church and she is always posting how much she loves her husband and what a great marriage they have.  She has no idea who he really is.  What's even worse is the girl he had an affair with was married to another friend of mine and she left him without saying why.  He doesn't know who she really is either.  These people have children.  This particular circle of affairs just keeps going and doesn't seem to have an end in sight.  What is wrong with my generation?  Why is it so difficult for us to be faithful?  Is infidelity more likely to occur in a small town like mine or is it just that everyone is connected, so everyone knows?  This conversation makes me want to run screaming into the night from my little town.  Just last week I posted about strong relationships and the ones I've grown up watching.  Is it just my generation?  Are we simply that selfish?  Considering that I have strong hopes of getting married and having a family someday, this knowledge is extremely unsettling.  Maybe we just aren't working hard enough.  Maybe my generation isn't putting in the elbow grease required to make things last.  I really wish I knew the answers to this one.  There are plenty of other species that mate for life.  Here are some animals we could learn a thing or two from.

Gibbons     French Angelfish     Condors     Swans     Black Vultures      Wolves     Bald Eagles     Beavers     Coyotes     Albatrosses     Turtle Doves     Prairie Voles

Just Kidding

Seems all that excitement last week was for nothing.  We found an apartment and I accepted a job, but it's not happening.  We are not moving in together.  There were several factors involved, but basically he isn't ready yet.  I'm okay with that.  I am extremely disappointed, but we're still together and that is much more important than when we take the next step.  I had my crying, sobbing fit.  The next day we talked though and we both love each other, so the rest will come together.  I have faith.  I'm having a hard time dealing with the disappointment though.  I understand all the reasons in my rational brain, but the rest of me, the not so rational part, is so hurt.  I'm feeling very alone right now.  We had started making decisions as a team and within a few days we are back to making decisions as individuals.  I was getting used to the idea that I'd get to wake up to his face everyday.  I actually read a book about step parenting.  I went through my cooking repertoire to figure out meals he would like and how to make them lower in carbs because he is diabetic.  I started planning exactly where everything would go in our tiny apartment so the kids would have as much space as possible and we could all be comfortable.  I had already decorated the walls and arranged the furniture in my mind.  Yes, I realize this all sounds somewhat obsessive, but I was just so excited and well, my mind moves quickly.  I'm working on remembering to just be happy in the moment and enjoy when we are together.  I'm trying to keep the disappointment at bay.  I'm trying not to start so many sentences with I!  No doubt, that gets annoying. 

I do have a plan though.  I ordered a laptop today so I can start looking for work from home jobs.  Come June 3, I have to turn in this beautiful Mac because it is property of my school district.  So, my new laptop will be here in a week.  Then I can go to my grandmother's and start really applying for the jobs.  I live in the middle of nowhere and can only get satellite internet.  My grandmother has broadband.  Most of the jobs have technology requirements and broadband or DSL is a biggie.  During the application process, they check your connection speed and the sound and video quality of your computer.  Hence, why I have to wait to start applying.  About going to my grandmother's, anyone who knows me, knows that my grandmother and I have a somewhat awkward relationship.  I love her dearly, but she might be one of the most oblivious people in the world.  She just doesn't understand modern things.  I have a clear picture of her coming in and asking me if I want some lunch, a drink, a snack, the blinds open, the blinds closed, the fan on, the fan off, or something else totally random, while I'm in the middle of some major call.  Bless her heart.  You may also be wondering how I bought a laptop when I have no income.  Ha!  Welcome to Texas.  I will be selling two cows.  I get two cows a year from my parents.  This year it's going to a laptop.  Incidentally, I sold two cows to pay for my divorce two years ago and my debt last year.  Please go ahead and laugh because everyone else already is.  Anyway, back to the plan.  Hopefully I'll get a job that pays enough, so I can still move to the big city.  I'll just be moving on my own, but that's okay.  It'll be good for me.  We'll be like Carrie and Big for the first few years.  Kidding, I'm so kidding!

 

These are our cows.  Don't worry, I'm not selling the little ones.

The Devil is an Art Lover

Depending on how long you have been reading my blog, most of you will remember Bachelor #5.  For the most part I never think of him, but when I do it's still with anger.  I hate him for taking advantage of me and I'm so angry with myself that I allowed him to take advantage of me.  It's been two years since I told him I never wanted to see him again.  I haven't had any contact with him and that's exactly how I wanted it.

This weekend though the fates took over.  My cousin and aunts were having a girls' weekend and wanted me to join them.  We rarely get to hangout like that so I agreed.  My cousin told me we were going to an arts and crafts fair/market in a town near her.  I knew that "Stan" lived in this town, but at least a 1000 people go to this event every month.  I figured the odds of a man going to an arts and crafts fair were slim to none, so I wasn't too worried about seeing him especially since it was such a big event.  HA!  I was so wrong.

My aunts are fast shoppers and my cousin is the world's slowest.  I was somewhere in between trying to catch up with my aunts and wait on my cousin.  I'm walking by myself and BAM, there Stan is, right in front of me!  Who knew Satan goes to arts and crafts fairs!  I kept walking, not having a clue how to handle this.  I called my cousin to try and find her.  I find a map of this freaking maze I'm in and start looking for her.  As I'm walking around completely lost, I keep getting more and more upset.  In the process of trying to find my cousin, I somehow end up walking right behind Stan!  So, I walk a little slower hoping he won't see me, but right then he turned around and stared right at me.  The look on his face was confusion and then pure fear.  I walked as fast as I could and found a bench to sit down on.  That's when I completely lost it.  I just sat there bawling.  I didn't have the strength to hold my head up high, punch him in the face, yell at him, or even kick him in the shin.  I had played the scene in my mind over and over of what I would do if I ever saw him again.  Not one of the scenarios including scurrying off to cry like a little girl, but that's what I did.  I was so angry that he still could hurt me.  I was furious that he upset me so much.  I'm also quite sure people walking past me were wondering why someone would be sitting and bawling at an arts and crafts fair.

I was finally able to compose myself and find my cousin.  We walked back to my truck under the ruse of putting away purchases.  I had no desire to tell my aunts what had happened.  My sweet cousin was all for finding Stan and kicking his ass which at least made me laugh.  After a while I was okay and made my way back to the rest of the family.  I chose not to tell them about Stan.  It is still too embarrassing to me that I was someone's mistress.  I didn't see him again that day.  I still hope I never see him again.

I'm so thankful to have a family that loves and protects me.  I'm almost sorry I didn't encourage my cousin to find Stan.  Watching her at 5'3" and 140 lbs lay into his 6'3" 300 lbs ass would have been hilarious.  I have no doubt she would have won.  You just don't mess with my family!  Insanity is hereditary.

 This painting is by Texas artist, Ric Farley.

Good Day

For the last 3 weeks, I've been off work.  I had to have a spinal tap and have been extremely ill.  I won't be returning to work until January and I miss my students terribly.  I've been pretty down lately.  Last week my parents were at the cattle auction in town and asked me to meet them up there after my doctor's appointment.  

I went up there to sit with my dad and there was this little kid running around the auction barn.  He had a snotty nose and was just filthy, but absolutely adorable in his cowboy boots and wrangler jeans.  He would sit and sing really loud and play like he had a guitar for a while.  Then he'd run around and jump up and down the bleachers.  As he's running by, the old men would talk to him a little and they apparently knew who he was.  My dad said he's there every week.  The whole time he's doing this, the auction is going on and cattle are coming through and it doesn't phase him or anyone else.  My dad pointed out his father and told me he was a cattle buyer for one of the large companies that sends cattle to the stockyards.  I started talking to the little boy and he told me his name and and that he was 4 years old. Then as he ran around he'd come back and talk to me a little. 

After a while my parents and I went into the cafe area to get a burger.  This adorable little guy came and sat with me and I gave him my chips.  He didn't want part of the burger.  He was perusing a tractor catalog and could tell me what was a combine versus a tractor or a bulldozer.  I asked him what kind of tractor the green ones were and he knew John Deere.  I told him what kind the red and blue were and then he went through the entire catalog telling me what they all were.  He said yes ma'am and was just about the cutest thing I've ever seen.  When he ran off to get himself some sweet tea from the dispenser, the lady in the cafe told us that his mother just up and left one day.  Instead of taking him to daycare, his daddy takes him with him to all the different cattle auctions he goes to throughout the week.

I spent nearly 3 hours playing with this little boy and teaching him things.  I wiped his nose and put chapstick on his chapped face.  It was the best day I'd had in so long.  I asked my dad to go with me to the auction again this week.  He jokingly said he didn't want to be a part of me stalking a 4 year old.  I said, "Well, he doesn't have a mama and I don't have a kid."  I'm not sure if I'll go up there tomorrow or not, but I'd love to go hangout and talk tractors with that sweet boy again.

Most Awkward Moment

The other day I experienced the most awkward moment ever except like most things with me, it just kept dragging on and on and on.  I work on a military base, so everyday I have to show my ID at the gate.  One of the gate workers is a lady who used to work for my grandfather.  He passed away three years ago and I've only seen the lady a few times until I started going through that gate this school year.  She is very nice and always asks about my grandmother and mom.  Well last week she asked, "How's the baby? Getting big I bet!".  I said "Oh yeah he's four now."  I assumed she was talking about my youngest nephew.  Because there were other cars behind me, I had to move along.  About 30 seconds down the road I realized she wasn't asking about my nephew.  She was asking about MY baby.  I was pregnant at my grandfather's visitation and she didn't know I'd had a miscarriage and was divorced.  Crap.  How do you tell someone there isn't a baby, three years later?  I called my mom and told her and once again my mom saved me.  She messaged the lady on Facebook and told her.  Needless to say the next time I went through the gate was a little awkward.  The lady rubbed my arm and said my mom had told her about my "troubles" and she hoped I was okay.  Wow.  It's been 3 years since my second miscarriage and 2 years since my divorce.  I work through it and am pretty at peace about it all, but this just totally caught me off guard.  I also felt bad for the lady because she had to feel terrible about it.  Does this stuff ever happen to people in New York or Los Angeles?

My Life Died

I've been reading my Adolescent Therapy textbook.  It said divorce is like a death.  In the last month I started going back to counseling.  My counselor says that I need to grieve for my life.  She says that between the divorce and my illness, my life as I knew it is gone.  She's right.  Part of it was my choice, but part of it wasn't. 

I had someone to sleep next to at night, to attend functions with, and to share meals with.  I had a beautiful home in the right neighborhood a block over from the small country club.  My husband's family was wonderful and I loved them very much.  I was a member of the local Junior League and we had lots of great friends.  I had a plan and my future was mapped out.  I chose to give all this up though because I couldn't see myself having children with my husband and I wanted children more than I wanted any of that other stuff.

I still had my job and my friends at work.  I also had my friends in my home town.  I moved in with one of my best childhood friends and his wife during my divorce.  I just rented one room from them and it was working out well.  I had company when I needed it.  But I wasn't feeling well.  I kept missing work.  I was soon diagnosed with IIH.  I had to move out of my friends' house and in with my parents.  I continued to miss work, LOTS of work.  I didn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything.  I slept all the time.  I didn't even eat.  I had to use the Emergency Family Medical Leave Act to get extra sick days for work.  My principal was hounding me about when I was coming back, but I didn't have the answer because the doctors didn't have the answer.  They said it could take up to a year for me to feel truly better.  By the end of the school year, my principal put me on the transfer list to go to another school IF any school wanted to hire me.  I basically lost my teaching position. 

I am at a new school now.  I am slowly making new friends, but we don't do things together on the weekends like at my old school.  I'm not involved in any organizations because I'm going to grad school.  I'm trying to make new friends in my small town.  I would like to be in a relationship as well.  My counselor has said though that I need time to grieve before I jump into anything serious.  She's right.  I know she is.  Also,  the biggest blow is I don't know if I'll be able to have children.  At this time, the studies aren't conclusive about my medication.  They don't know if it is safe to take during pregnancy.  I cannot function without medication right now.  My brain and optic nerves become too swollen and it's not safe for my health.  I already went through 2 miscarriages when I was married.  My life really did die.  My dreams died.  It's hit me in the last week that I have to feel all this and really deal with it.  I'm not sure I'm ready to.

It's Fall Y'all

*This entry should be read in your best Texas accent.  Do not pronounce any -ing endings.  Words with a long i sound like right are more like riiight.  Y'all really should be readin' as if you could talk like Sandra Bullock in Hope Floats or Reece Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama.  

If you haven't ever experienced fall in Texas then you might have a hard time understanding how I grew up.  Now I'm not talking about the weather.  We barely even have a weather change for most of what we refer to as fall.  It's still hot as hell here and I've gotten quite a few sunburns on Thanksgiving.  What I'm talking about is culture.

Two very important things start in the fall, football season and hunting season.  That means everyone in my small town does a couple of things.  They go renew their hunting licenses down at Wal-Mart and they go get a new t-shirt in school colors to wear to the games on Friday night.  The newest thing for the ladies is to have our team logo in sequins on their t-shirt!  Yep, small town Texas, people and I love it!

Let me tell you about hunting season first.  Mainly guys and a few girls age five to 75 will sit around any field or small body of water in the evenings.  Around here we call those tanks, but most of the world would refer to them as ponds.  They sit in lawn chairs and lots of them have a cooler of beer, but my family has a no drinking and shooting policy thank goodness!  Everybody waits for the dove to fly over the tank and then BAM, BAM, BAMBAM, the shooting commences!  There could be seven or eight people shooting at the same time.  Sometimes the whole group will only come back with six birds.  Other times they bring back 75.  They clean them and then package them to freeze.  At the end of the season we have a big dove fry and cook the dove several different ways and everyone who hunted brings their family.  My family eats what we hunt.  We do not hunt simply to kill.  On any given weekend there might be three generations sitting at the tank hunting birds- my dad, my brother, and my niece and nephew.

 Pat Green "West Texas Holiday"  Scroll down the page and click on this song.  Pat Green does an awesome job at bringing a little humor to the whole frenzy that is dove season in Texas.

Now onto football.  Football in Texas, and well most of the South for that matter, is a HUGE deal!  Thursday night is 7th,8th, 9th, and junior varisty games.  Friday night is varsity.  Saturday is youth football and of course college games.  Sunday and Monday and whatever other day is Pro football.  We start our kids off in youth football at age six.  At ten years old they practice three days a week.  I'm talking about full-on tackle, not flag football either.  When I went into the hair salon the other day, one of the moms was talking to me about what it would have taken last week for my nephew's team to win.  He's ten.  She was Monday morning quarterbacking the peewee team.  Now that may seem overboard, but at the same time, after every game, my only question to my nephew is did you have FUN and he's having the time of his life!  These boys go on to play middle school and then high school ball and the entire town comes out to watch them.  My family and friends have season tickets to the high school games.  We've had the same seats for as long as I can remember.  We have a block of about 20.  There were eight just from my family there last night.  My dad and my brother played on the varsity team in high school and I imagine my nephews will too.  If they don't though, that's fine, but if they do, we'll be right there where we always are cheering as loud as we can for them.  Friday night football with my family is one of the things I love about being back home! 

Kenny Chesney "The Boys of Fall" Video  This video explains more about the feeling of football than I ever could.

You've Gotta Kiss a Lot of Frogs

At the urging of several friends and family members, I’ve decided to write about my experiences in the trenches of online dating.  This would be the preface if it were in book form. I'll be adding postings about the men I met every few days for a while.

I am a 30-year-old teacher from a small town in Texas.  Growing up, my family was very traditional.  I led a pretty sheltered middle class, small town life.  My parents have been married for 37 years and raised me to believe that love is always possible.  My mother used to tell me, “Someday you will find someone as wonderful as your daddy and it will all work out.”

This sentence has been driving me since grade school.  In my daily life, I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman.  But, as soon as a man enters the picture romantically, I become a complete and total idiot.  I lose all logic and the ability to think for myself.  I become a love obsessed, neurotic mess. 

A little of my background information should shed some light on this.  I dated the same guy in my small town during high school and the first part of college.  We broke up every few months, but always ended up back together.  When I went to college, he stayed home.  I came home on weekends.  This was the man I knew I was going to marry.  After four years, he called and said he thought we should just be friends.  At the time I didn’t know he had actually started dating one of my best friends.  What a way to start a friendship! 

Soon after this crushing break-up, I met a wonderfully nice, sweet guy.  He incidentally lived right around the corner, from my ex-boyfriend.  This new guy and I dated for TWO months.  He said he loved me and I was on top of the world.  Someone loved me!  Someone was kind, caring, and considerate.  My family and friends liked him just as much as I did.  After those TWO blissful months, he asked if I wanted to get married.  YES!  Of course I wanted to marry him.  It wasn’t everyday someone suggested marriage and what if I never got asked again?  This was going to be the marriage I’d always dreamed of.  This man loved me!  We were married six months after the engagement. 

We lived in my small town, around the corner from my ex-boyfriend and former friend (they got married and then divorced after she cheated on him) for two years.  I graduated from college and convinced my husband he needed to go to back to school.  We moved five hours away from our family and friends so he could go to the university his uncles and cousin had attended.  I worked full-time teaching school for two years while he finished his degree and worked part-time. 

Finally it was time for him to graduate!  At the urging of his mother, we decided we should live in his hometown, which is larger and would have more job opportunities than my hometown.  It was only 45 minutes from my family, so I felt this would be an acceptable compromise.   We bought the house his parents built and he grew up in.  He went to work with his family after a long and exhausting job search.  I continued to teach school.  I joined the local Junior Service League at the urging of his mother.  We attended the family church at the urging of his mother.  We attended various local charity and social functions at the urging of his mother.  You seeing a trend here?  We hung out with his friends from high school and spent most weekends with his family.  We drove the 45 minutes to see my family about once a month.

In year six of our marriage we decided to start a family.  After two miscarriages, that dream was put on hold.  I was extremely depressed and he became engrossed in his many hobbies.   I went to counseling because I just knew I was the problem.  I was absolutely sure of it.  After quite a bit of counseling and many late nights of thinking, I realized I had married the rebound guy.  I married a man because he was in love with me, but had I taken the time to know if I was in love with him?  No, I hadn’t.  We tried marriage counseling for a while, but after almost eight years, we separated and filed for divorce.  In the words of our counselor, “Sometimes things are just broken and you can’t put them back together.”

I moved back to my hometown and commuted to work.  I was renting a room from some friends and having terrible headaches everyday.  I attributed the headaches to stress from the divorce, but after several months of headaches and a trip to the doctor I found out otherwise.  Two months after I separated from my husband, I was diagnosed with a very odd medical condition that causes swelling in the brain.  At the urging of my parents, I moved home.  Yep, back to my old bedroom and back to my childhood. 

People from a large city might not realize how humbling it is to come back to your hometown after a divorce.  On top of that, I was living with my parents.  Can we say loser?  That was how I felt.  From that driving sentence in my childhood, I knew I just needed to find my great love and everything would work out.  My divorce would be final soon.  I wouldn’t be sick forever and living in my parents’ house was only temporary. 

Because I live in a small town, I decided the internet was the best place to start.  I knew most of the single men in my hometown and I assumed if we were going to date we would have in high school or maybe we actually did.  For that reason, local men were scratched off my list of possible dates.  There was a whole world of people online that I’d never met, so I entered into the world of internet dating.  I joined at least four dating sites to ensure the highest number of possible dates.  Some were free sites and some were paid sites.  I’d find love even if it cost a monthly subscription.  Yes, quantity over quality wasn’t my best idea. 

I am a firm believer that honesty is the best policy, which meant explaining to potential suitors that I was very newly divorced, ill, and living with my parents didn’t exactly bring out the best men.  Most never got past a second or third chat or email without running for the hills.  But what about the ones who did? 

This is where my story begins.  I am going to share my experiences with the various bachelors I met.  I met each of these men online and crashed and burned in some way or another.  After each failed attempt at a real relationship, I would dust myself off, and get back on the net.  After all, they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, so I continued on.  However, in this case it seemed like a plague of frogs similar to the one in Moses’s time!

The Beginning

For those of you wondering what is in store on this fairly ordinary blog, it will be pretty varied. I've been toying with the idea of posting the debacles that are my life, my general feelings at times, restaurant reviews, book reviews, and anything else that I might want to share.

I'll start with me though. I am a 30 year old woman who still feels like a 17 year old girl at times.  In the past three years my life has taken some very dramatic turns. Most of the time I can find humor in it all. My friends and family certainly have! 

I'm wrapping up my sixth year of teaching middle school with plans of starting my master's to become a school counselor. It is impossible to be happy teaching middle school students unless you can laugh at yourself because believe me, they are laughing at you! Those kids have the ability to humble me like no other, but they also make me feel so incredibly loved. I go to work each day with a purpose.

I'm also SINGLE. That is capitalized because it seems to be a huge theme swirling around my current situation in life. I was married for a long time and then suddenly I wasn't. All those plans little girls make about a home, family, etc., yeah, I threw those right out the window. I moved back to my small home town and next door to my parents. Most of the time I wonder what the hell am I thinking, but the rest doesn't work with out LOVE. I never saw myself starting fresh at 30, but here I am. Oddly enough, I'm HAPPY with my life. Just missing a few things to be complete. I'm on that ever so popular quest to find the love of my life. I'm looking for the right man and hoping for those babies someday, but in the mean time, I am LIVING and enjoying the adventures my new life is presenting.