Brighter Days

So everything with the best guy friend are back to normal.  I guess he actually listened to what I said because he called the very next day.  Didn't take to long for him to think about things! Lol  I'm still waiting to hear back about grad school.  Some how my transcript has been misplaced by the university and they can't accept me until they locate it.  If I send a new one it is considered late.  I gave them the tracking number, date and time, plus the person who signed for it on their campus.  But, some how it's still missing!  Ugh!  I'm pretty frustrated with the whole thing, but still praying I get accepted.  This is my hope for a future and I'm not giving up yet!

Yet Again

Things have been amazing with my best guy friend/I don't know what to call him.  We've been hanging out a lot.  He's been super sweet and even sort of protective.  Last week I met his cousin, then he went with me and one of my friends for drinks.  Yesterday I met another one of his cousins.  It's been great.  Then today he calls and tells me we need some time apart because he has commitment issues and can't be my boyfriend.  Those were his actual words.  I was like what?!?  I told him I hadn't asked him for anything and that I didn't have expectations.  He said I'm a great friend and he didn't want to hold me back from something I deserve.  I explained that I'm perfectly content with how things are.  I reminded him that my life is a complete mess right now and that I don't have room for a boyfriend really.  He was just kind of silent, so I said he should call me when he is ready to hang out again.  Then I hung up the phone and naturally burst into tears.  Why is it that when things are going great, something bad always happens?  I feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up and feeling happy about something.  The worst part is that he really is one of my best friends.  I spend more time with him than anyone and we talk about everything.  I wish he didn't over think everything and start freaking out.  Why do guys think we want to marry them tomorrow?  Seriously, I know that I want a family in the future, but the thought of marriage right now scares me to death.  I have no job and I'm not sure where I'll be living in the future.  I have a freaking brain disease.  My life is so uncertain.  I'm not in a place where I'm really dependable.  I wouldn't make a good wife right now.  I need more time.  I just want what we have to stay the same.  I just want what we have. 

Happy 2013

Well, it's that time again.  Everyone is making resolutions and hoping for the best.  Christmas has come and gone and so has my birthday.  I'm now the big 3-3.  That just sounds horrible! Lol.  Last night I started the celebrations with my family and adopted aunts and uncles.  That was the most fun of the night.  I then went to the only bar in my little town and watched the parade of white trash in glitter and sequins.  I begged my friend to go to a local restaurant where one of my good friends was DJing.  There, I found a couple people to hang out with, so she went back to the tacky, smokey bar.  After midnight, I went and had a beer with my agoraphobic friend and then went home and had myself a good cry.  Nothing like the holidays to remind you your life sucks.  I know that I have a pretty good life considering, but sometimes it's pretty depressing.  I've really been trying to focus on the positive.  I'm not making any so-called resolutions, but I am going to try to be positive.  I have a roof over my head, a wonderful family, and friends that care about me, not to mention the cutest little doggie in the world.  I'm currently in a strange sort of relationship.  I'm happy with him, but it's not something we are telling people.  In this small town, neither of us are ready for all the attention that follows.  What's really great though is he's one of my best friends.  He's been there for me through my last two break ups.  He checks on me when I'm sick and is just genuinely considerate.  My goal right now is to be happy with things as they are and not push for more.  He isn't ready and there really is no rush.  I don't want to be with anyone else.  I've had some offers, but I'm just not interested.  I'm really enjoying things as they are, so it's all a matter of attitude.  I need to remember that I am happy and things are good, so why mess with a good thing, right :)  I simply need to remember that God will provide what I NEED.

Happy New Year! 

Pepper 1999-2012

I said goodbye to my best friend of 13 years today.

Love and Other Drugs

Love and Other Drugs is a movie about a young woman with Parkinson's and her boyfriend as their relationship progresses.  It show the struggles of living with her illness and trying to have a real relationship with a future.  The first time I saw it, I hated it.  It made me cry and it hit way too close to home.  I was watching it with my boyfriend at the time and I could see his face as it was hitting him and he was realizing how similar this girl's situation was to mine.  I saw him thinking how this wasn't what he signed up for.  He really didn't talk to me for the rest of the night.  Needless to say our relationship didn't last.

I thought about the movie several times since then and I watched it again.  This time though I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.  That was a major difference.  I was able to see other similarities besides having a long term illness.  I have a lot to offer the right guy, just like she did.  I will encourage him and build him up.  I also realized that relationship is what I want.  I don't want a knight in shining armor to save me.  I just want the one who will stay around when things get hard.  This is my favorite part of the movie.  It completely sums up how I feel and what I'm waiting for.

Another One Bites the Dust

Yep, you guessed it.  The latest one and I broke up after three pretty great months.  I'm not really sure why.  He just said he didn't feel the same way about me anymore.  I have a ton of guesses as to why, but that doesn't make it easier.  All I know is I drove another one away.  Go me!  I really wish I hadn't taken him to two family reunions and introduced him to EVERYONE before he decided to split.  Pretty freaking embarrassing!  I typically like to keep my failures to myself.  Guess that's out of the question this time. Ugh.  Oh and my family loved him, even my grandmother.  So glad I get to explain this one to everyone.

Time Shouldn't Change

It's that time again.  Yep, it's 1:30 AM and I'm awake because my body is an hour behind.  Daylight savings time has passed its prime!  What a colossal waste of energy!  Monday morning is going to be especially cruel this time.

On a more pleasant note, I figured out the answer to my question from the previous post.  Since I was lying here wide awake tonight I decided to do some reading.  I found my Bible and read the book of Genesis, then skimmed through passages I've been underlining since about eighth grade.  It was right there all along.  What do people do when they don't know what else to do?  What do they do when they have nothing to look forward to?  Pray.  Then, pray some more.  I don't know God's reasoning, but I know He has a plan for me.  I know I'm not meant to flounder about at age 32.  I will work on becoming the woman God wants me to be and maybe, just maybe God will bring that love and family I'm hoping for.  I know He will bring me through this.

Running on Empty

Lately I feel like I've been running on empty.  I'm exhausted all the time.  I come home from work and go to bed and lots of days I'll sleep until the morning.  I know this is due to my IIH and stress which triggers the symptoms.  Work is going well and isn't the issue.  I just can't shake this feeling that this is it.  This is my life and it's not going to change.  Maybe it's not in the plan for me to have a family.  Maybe finding that great love just isn't going to be part of my life.  It leaves me feeling very empty and hopeless.  My life cannot consist of only what it is now because then there is nothing to look forward to.  How do I accept this?  Is this really God's plan for me?  I'm feeling very broken and need a boost.  I've got to get myself out of this funk!  I've been praying for God to lift this heaviness from my heart.  I remind myself of the good things in my life- friends, family, job, etc.  I just feel like part of me is missing.  I want to be a mother and I want love.  How does a person accept that maybe this isn't going to happen for them?

Moving Along

Life is moving right along, nothing exciting, nothing new really, pleasant and pretty uneventful. That of course means I don't have a lot of material to write about, hence the low number of new posts by yours truly.  I have had a few interesting customers at work.  It's been an experience going from public school to working with the "adult" public.  Some of them still have some growing up to do!  I have been treated as if I am a complete idiot who obviously must not have much education since I'm just a lowly secretary.  Yes, I'm being sarcastic.  It has been interesting to see how people react to me though.  Some customers prefer talking to a man and some just prefer talking to someone other than a secretary.  I wonder what they would think if I hung my college diploma above my desk?  On a positive note, we do have many great customers who are very appreciative of our service.

My personal life is going fine, nothing really new and exciting there either.  There aren't any major prospects in the romance department.  I don't know that I'm looking very hard.  I'm enjoying having fun with friends.  I did have an 18 year old hit on me! lol  That was a nice little self-esteem booster, albeit creepy.

I really wrote a lot the last year or so and would love comments from people.  They don't have to be positive necessarily.  I'd love some insight and politely worded honesty or even just a "been there too".  Hope you enjoy reading my jumbled thoughts!  I'm off to take a glorious nap and continue waiting not so patiently...

The B*tch is Back!

*Read this post as if Elton John is singing that song in the background.  Loud and Proud!

It's been a while since I've posted and the last few have been pretty weak.  Clearly all I've done consistently is eat. I noticed it in a picture from New Year's Eve too! eek!  Oh and drink wine, forgot about that.

Professionally, my life is going well.  I'm enjoying my new job and love the people I work with.  It's a very low stress, low drama environment.  We had a fun, fun Christmas party!  I'm not even dreading going back to work tomorrow after a holiday weekend!

Romantically my life is well, complete shit.  The boyfriend and I have broken up and gotten back together so many times in the last few months that I've lost count.  After duking it out over text messages and facebook, we both realized it's just not working.  I just can't quit though.  Basically, I told him to take some time and get his life in order and then maybe we could try again.  I told him take a year if he needed to.  I also said I couldn't make any promises though.  I'm not going to spend that year pining for him.  I'm going to go and live my life and hopefully we end up coming back together.  If not then we really aren't meant to work.

I'm glad it's a new year.  I need to start fresh.  I need a new attitude and I'm working on it.  I've been asked out a couple of times since Thanksgiving and I've said no.  I know I need to heal and grow on my own.  I need to decide what I really want in life and what I deserve.  No more accepting less than I deserve.  No more excuses for others' poor behavior.  No more excuses for my poor decisions.  Bring on 2012 because I'm back y'all! 

Instead of the resolution going out though, it's the man! Adios!

Country Girl's Dream

Monday night I had the opportunity to go to a concert that is every country girl's dream!  It was a benefit concert for the Central Texas area wildfires.  The line up included George Strait, Willie Nelson, The Dixie Chicks, Asleep at the Wheel, Randy Rogers Band, and at least four others.  It was AMAZING!!!  This really is a once in a life time type of line up.  What's even cooler is that all the musicians that performed are from Texas.  Y'all know how much I love Texas!  My seats weren't quite as stellar as the music, but that's okay.  I was sorta behind the stage, but very close, so I could see the performers talking to the band and watch them when the first walked on stage, so it turned out well.  They music was perfect.  I knew every song the five big performers played.  My boyfriend went with me. (yes, we're back on)  He's not a huge country music fan, but he had a good time and was a good sport about how completely excited I was.  I clapped and danced in my seat and sang and oh it was awesome!  If you don't know who these musicians are, you really need to look them up!

The Dixie Chicks

Willie Nelson

(Deborah Cannon AMERICAN-STATESMAN- all 3 photos)

George Strait waves to the crowd as he walks onstage at Fire Relief: The Concert for Central Texas at the Frank Erwin Center on Monday, October 17, 2011

 

Right or Wrong?

It's been a strange couple of weeks.  The job is going well, but things aren't so great in the relationship area.  After a lot of thought, I decided to take a break from the relationship, not really a break up, but just a break.  I have great friends and a great family.  I am finally working too, so why am I so sad?  I've been really trying to figure that out and I came to the conclusion that I spend 95% of the time missing him and 5% of the time actually talking to him.  At the end of the day I have so much stuff I want to tell him and he's not there, not answering the phone, not returning texts for hours or til the next day.  We see each other maybe once a week.  It's been like 9 months or something and it's been like this for probably the last 6 months.  We talked about it last night and I wasn't sure what to do.  He couldn't offer any sort of solution or say that he could be more available.  The one thing he did say made things really clear all of the sudden though.  He said maybe because I have more time on my hands and am not working full-time, I'm just lonely.  That actually made me mad.  If I wanted to go out with friends every single weekend I could.  If I just needed a warm body, he could easily be replaced.  I want him, not just anyone.  I'm telling him I miss HIM and he just sees me as some pathetic lonely mess.  At that moment I stopped crying and told him I wanted a break.  I saw how he sees me.  How can you be in love with someone you think is a sad little mess?  I'm going to concentrate on me for a while.  Maybe he can take some time for himself.  I don't know. I'm not looking for another relationship.  I really want that one to work, but it's really NOT working the way it is.  I need more.  I want to be a real part of his life, not an after thought.  All I know is I feel like I did the right thing for me this time.  It doesn't make me happy, but I had to do it.

Just When I Think I Know...

Just when I think I understand what is going on, it changes! I have been crying myself to sleep for the last few days missing my boyfriend.  We've talked off and on about it.  Tonight he asked to talk again.  It looks like we're going to try and work things out.  Thank God!  I've been a mess and not a hot mess either!  I'm not giving the nitty gritty details on here.  Basically, when someone has been through a divorce, relationships are harder.  People have more fear and anxiety.  It takes a long time to heal from a divorce.  I've had a couple more years than he has.  I think we're going to get through it together though.  I really hope so.  I was a sad little girl.  There's a good chance I was the number one customer at the bar for a few days.  I missed him so much.  I missed his kiddos too.  I don't like back and forth and I've been pretty harsh about other people that have those types of relationships, but I just can't quit.  I'm not giving up on him.  Guess that means I love him, huh.

My Favorite Song

Yes, my favorite song is a man professing his love by being a smart ass.  Fitting, right :)

Life as I Know it

I've been MIA lately.  I haven't felt like writing and I wasn't sure what to write because I've been dealing with all of these feelings in my head and trying to figure them out. After like eight months, the boyfriend and I are done.  It was his choice, not mine.  We've discussed it several times over the past week and it really is over.  So I was with this guy less than a year.  What's the big deal?  Why am I so broken over it?  I've been doing some serious soul searching to figure out why I'm so torn up over this break up.  Is it really about him?  Yes and no.  Did I love him? Yeah.  Did I love him more than I've loved anyone else ever?  No.  My temporary job ended about the same time as our relationship and I had to leave Austin and come back home.  Again.

Here's what I realized over the past week or so.  I've been waiting for the past three years.  I've been waiting for my life to change.  I've taken steps to change it, but for some reason, it's just not happening.  Maybe there isn't a job in Austin.  No knight in shining armor is going to ride in and save me, that's for sure.  I'm in this position due to my own decisions, but also due to events out of my control.  Basically I have to stop waiting for things to change.  I have to accept that this is my life.  Period.  I live in this little town, in this little house, BY MYSELF.  This is my life.  I have to accept it completely.  I somehow have to come to terms with that.  Am I depressed about it?  Hell yes I am!  I'm teetering on the edge of disappearing into oblivion or sucking it up and cleaning this disaster of a house and just dealing with it.  My current method of dealing with it though is just staying in bed in the dark.  Yes, I realize this is not healthy.  Yes, I realize I sound whiny and pathetic. 

I know there are starving people in Africa and homeless people all over the world.  I know there are people who don't have a family to support them and help them.  I'm working really hard to remember this and try not to feel too sorry for myself.  Finally accepting my life is going to take some time though.

I'll Live

This is going to be short and sweet. I haven't had it in me to write much lately. My temporary job in Austin is already over and I'm back in my little town. I didn't get the job I interviewed for.  The boyfriend and I aren't speaking and I have no idea why, but seeing as this is the third time he's done this, my patience is wearing thin.  That's my life in a nutshell.

Big Day Tomorrow!

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day! I have a job interview in the morning.  In the afternoon I start a temporary job that lasts a month.  The interview is for a job I'd really like to get.  It would get my foot in the door for one of those dream jobs.  The pay is absolutely awful, but like I said, it's a stepping stone.  I'll be living in the ghetto for sure, but at least it's the ghetto in Austin!  The temp job is also in Austin and my cousin has generously said I can stay with him and his family for the month.  I am beyond happy that I'll be so much closer to the boyfriend!  I'm excited and nervous and stressed out to the max!  I haven't packed or even really started laundry!  I think I'm still waiting for something to fall through.  Please pray I get this job tomorrow!

Too Much Time

I have way too much time on my hands right now.  Thank goodness I start a job next week.  It's a temporary position, but at least I'll be working for a month.  I'll be staying with one of my favorite cousins and his family part of the time and my boyfriend part of the time since the job is in Austin.  Hopefully by splitting the time I won't wear out my welcome either place. 

Anyway, back to the present.  I've been watching way too many Hallmark movies.  I mentioned that in my post about unemployment.  You may remember I mentioned Shannon Daugherty and Jennie Garth.  Well, apparently the Hallmark Channel and the Spellings must have some kind of connection because I've seen a movie starring almost all of the cast from the original 90210.  Tori, Jennie, and Shannon have each had their own movie and now they are advertising for a Luke Perry movie directed by Jason Priestly.  All the movies so far are cheesy romance feel good stories.  And yes, I keep watching them haha.  I should probably be cleaning my house or something else productive, but boredom really doesn't motivate me for some reason.  For the next week at least, it looks like it's still going to be me and Hallmark.  Y'all pray for permanent employment in Austin please! (and soon!)  Stayed tuned for next week and I'll post about the new job if I'm not too exhausted.

San Antonio

This piece is done by artist, Glenda Saucedo.

Last week was awesome! My sweet guy and I took his son and my nephew to San Antonio for a football camp.  The boys hit it off so well!  The day before camp started, we went to the Riverwalk and the Alamo.  My nephew hadn't been to the Alamo before so it was fun for me to get to tell him about the history of the Texas Revolution.  We had lunch at the Hardrock Cafe for my boyfriend's son's birthday.  Both boys are 11 and are so funny together.  Although I will say I wasn't thrilled with the gratuitous gas they were emitting.  Our hotel room took on a funky odor when they came back from camp the first day.  The second day of camp I walked around El Mercado and enjoyed lunch at the historic Mi Tierra restaurant.  Then I met my sweet guy and his two girls to watch the end of camp.  The boys had a blast and learned a lot at camp!  I needed to get away and spend some time with him and the kiddos and it was perfect.  We ate at a cool place called Willie's Icehouse known for burgers and various fried food.  My crawfish was amazing.  Even having dinner at Cici's Pizza was fun. LOL!  I've been to San Antonio many times and I recommend it to anyone wanting to enjoy some great culture and a fun time.

What Happened to Fidelity?

I was talking to a friend the other day and I learned something disheartening.  A couple we both know aren't as strong as they seem.  He has had an affair and encouraged his friend to do the same.  They are active in church and she is always posting how much she loves her husband and what a great marriage they have.  She has no idea who he really is.  What's even worse is the girl he had an affair with was married to another friend of mine and she left him without saying why.  He doesn't know who she really is either.  These people have children.  This particular circle of affairs just keeps going and doesn't seem to have an end in sight.  What is wrong with my generation?  Why is it so difficult for us to be faithful?  Is infidelity more likely to occur in a small town like mine or is it just that everyone is connected, so everyone knows?  This conversation makes me want to run screaming into the night from my little town.  Just last week I posted about strong relationships and the ones I've grown up watching.  Is it just my generation?  Are we simply that selfish?  Considering that I have strong hopes of getting married and having a family someday, this knowledge is extremely unsettling.  Maybe we just aren't working hard enough.  Maybe my generation isn't putting in the elbow grease required to make things last.  I really wish I knew the answers to this one.  There are plenty of other species that mate for life.  Here are some animals we could learn a thing or two from.

Gibbons     French Angelfish     Condors     Swans     Black Vultures      Wolves     Bald Eagles     Beavers     Coyotes     Albatrosses     Turtle Doves     Prairie Voles