Brighter Days

So everything with the best guy friend are back to normal.  I guess he actually listened to what I said because he called the very next day.  Didn't take to long for him to think about things! Lol  I'm still waiting to hear back about grad school.  Some how my transcript has been misplaced by the university and they can't accept me until they locate it.  If I send a new one it is considered late.  I gave them the tracking number, date and time, plus the person who signed for it on their campus.  But, some how it's still missing!  Ugh!  I'm pretty frustrated with the whole thing, but still praying I get accepted.  This is my hope for a future and I'm not giving up yet!

Yet Again

Things have been amazing with my best guy friend/I don't know what to call him.  We've been hanging out a lot.  He's been super sweet and even sort of protective.  Last week I met his cousin, then he went with me and one of my friends for drinks.  Yesterday I met another one of his cousins.  It's been great.  Then today he calls and tells me we need some time apart because he has commitment issues and can't be my boyfriend.  Those were his actual words.  I was like what?!?  I told him I hadn't asked him for anything and that I didn't have expectations.  He said I'm a great friend and he didn't want to hold me back from something I deserve.  I explained that I'm perfectly content with how things are.  I reminded him that my life is a complete mess right now and that I don't have room for a boyfriend really.  He was just kind of silent, so I said he should call me when he is ready to hang out again.  Then I hung up the phone and naturally burst into tears.  Why is it that when things are going great, something bad always happens?  I feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up and feeling happy about something.  The worst part is that he really is one of my best friends.  I spend more time with him than anyone and we talk about everything.  I wish he didn't over think everything and start freaking out.  Why do guys think we want to marry them tomorrow?  Seriously, I know that I want a family in the future, but the thought of marriage right now scares me to death.  I have no job and I'm not sure where I'll be living in the future.  I have a freaking brain disease.  My life is so uncertain.  I'm not in a place where I'm really dependable.  I wouldn't make a good wife right now.  I need more time.  I just want what we have to stay the same.  I just want what we have. 

Happy 2013

Well, it's that time again.  Everyone is making resolutions and hoping for the best.  Christmas has come and gone and so has my birthday.  I'm now the big 3-3.  That just sounds horrible! Lol.  Last night I started the celebrations with my family and adopted aunts and uncles.  That was the most fun of the night.  I then went to the only bar in my little town and watched the parade of white trash in glitter and sequins.  I begged my friend to go to a local restaurant where one of my good friends was DJing.  There, I found a couple people to hang out with, so she went back to the tacky, smokey bar.  After midnight, I went and had a beer with my agoraphobic friend and then went home and had myself a good cry.  Nothing like the holidays to remind you your life sucks.  I know that I have a pretty good life considering, but sometimes it's pretty depressing.  I've really been trying to focus on the positive.  I'm not making any so-called resolutions, but I am going to try to be positive.  I have a roof over my head, a wonderful family, and friends that care about me, not to mention the cutest little doggie in the world.  I'm currently in a strange sort of relationship.  I'm happy with him, but it's not something we are telling people.  In this small town, neither of us are ready for all the attention that follows.  What's really great though is he's one of my best friends.  He's been there for me through my last two break ups.  He checks on me when I'm sick and is just genuinely considerate.  My goal right now is to be happy with things as they are and not push for more.  He isn't ready and there really is no rush.  I don't want to be with anyone else.  I've had some offers, but I'm just not interested.  I'm really enjoying things as they are, so it's all a matter of attitude.  I need to remember that I am happy and things are good, so why mess with a good thing, right :)  I simply need to remember that God will provide what I NEED.

Happy New Year! 

Pepper 1999-2012

I said goodbye to my best friend of 13 years today.

Time Stands Still

I have so little inspiration to write lately. I do the same thing every week, go to work, go home, go out with friends on the weekend, go home alone. Pretty uneventful.  Life isn't moving forward and I'm at a point where I don't know how to move it forward.  What do people do when there isn't anything to look forward to?  That's where I'm at right now.

Running on Empty

Lately I feel like I've been running on empty.  I'm exhausted all the time.  I come home from work and go to bed and lots of days I'll sleep until the morning.  I know this is due to my IIH and stress which triggers the symptoms.  Work is going well and isn't the issue.  I just can't shake this feeling that this is it.  This is my life and it's not going to change.  Maybe it's not in the plan for me to have a family.  Maybe finding that great love just isn't going to be part of my life.  It leaves me feeling very empty and hopeless.  My life cannot consist of only what it is now because then there is nothing to look forward to.  How do I accept this?  Is this really God's plan for me?  I'm feeling very broken and need a boost.  I've got to get myself out of this funk!  I've been praying for God to lift this heaviness from my heart.  I remind myself of the good things in my life- friends, family, job, etc.  I just feel like part of me is missing.  I want to be a mother and I want love.  How does a person accept that maybe this isn't going to happen for them?

Moving Along

Life is moving right along, nothing exciting, nothing new really, pleasant and pretty uneventful. That of course means I don't have a lot of material to write about, hence the low number of new posts by yours truly.  I have had a few interesting customers at work.  It's been an experience going from public school to working with the "adult" public.  Some of them still have some growing up to do!  I have been treated as if I am a complete idiot who obviously must not have much education since I'm just a lowly secretary.  Yes, I'm being sarcastic.  It has been interesting to see how people react to me though.  Some customers prefer talking to a man and some just prefer talking to someone other than a secretary.  I wonder what they would think if I hung my college diploma above my desk?  On a positive note, we do have many great customers who are very appreciative of our service.

My personal life is going fine, nothing really new and exciting there either.  There aren't any major prospects in the romance department.  I don't know that I'm looking very hard.  I'm enjoying having fun with friends.  I did have an 18 year old hit on me! lol  That was a nice little self-esteem booster, albeit creepy.

I really wrote a lot the last year or so and would love comments from people.  They don't have to be positive necessarily.  I'd love some insight and politely worded honesty or even just a "been there too".  Hope you enjoy reading my jumbled thoughts!  I'm off to take a glorious nap and continue waiting not so patiently...

I'm Back Y'all!

It's been six months since I started applying for jobs in the big city and  I haven't found anything.  Well, actually, no one chose me.  My current position is a whopping 4.5 hours a week!  That does not even come close to paying the bills!  I've been staying with my cousin three days a week when I worked and then coming back to my little town the rest of the time.  I've been hoping something full-time would come up so I can move to the big city, but it just hasn't happened and my family can't keep supporting me, nor do I want them to.  Last weekend I ran into a friend from high school and she told me one of the local insurance agencies was looking for an office assistant.  I happened to have my resume in my truck and so she passed it along to her friend who worked there.  When I got home I emailed my resume and cover letter to the agency manager.  He emailed me back within a couple of hours.  I had an interview on Thursday and Friday I started working.  I am now employed full-time!!!  Thank you, Jesus!  I had some reservations before the interview because taking this job means giving up my big city dreams for a while, like at least a couple of years.  I talked to my boyfriend also because I wasn't sure what this meant for us either.  He was extremely supportive and said he had no problem coming to see me more often.  For the last few months I've been in his city, so I always went to see him.  Knowing that he was supportive helped a lot.  I already knew a couple of the people in the office and the other three are great so far.  It's a small office and a very low stress group.  I think this job is exactly what I need right now.  It's in a fairly quiet environment.  The people are friendly.  It's not a stressful place at all.  I'm getting used to the idea that I'm going to be working in my hometown, the town where gossip abounds.  My dad already reminded me, no more going to the local bar! lol!  He wasn't kidding though.  I haven't worked in my hometown since high school.  It's been twelve years since I've been a full-time resident here.  It has it's perks though.  I really enjoy seeing familiar faces come in the office every day.  I can't tell you how many people have congratulated me on the job, knowing what I've been through the last few years.  The people really are supportive and I've missed that.  I'm going to have to get used to having to go out of town to have a drink, but oh well.  My aunt always says when God closes a door, he opens a window.  I think this time instead of a window it was more like a screen door!  But then, that is where I feel most comfortable.

Magnetic Personality

Apparently I have one of those magnetic personalities.  Too bad it's the insane freaks that I seem to draw in.  They're like a moth to flame!  Seriously, why?  The last few months I've tried to be friends with an ex-boyfriend.  Yeah, not my brightest moment I know.  Basically, I feel bad for him because he has some anxiety issues and therefore, not many friends.  We hang out and chit chat or whatever.  I went over the other night and he proceeded to put the moves on me.  When I said no, he called me a bitch.  Yes, a grown man called me a bitch for not sleeping with him.  I looked at him and said that wasn't nice and he said, "Well, you're being a bitch."  I said, "Okay, I can be a bitch at home. Bye."  I hadn't talk to him since.  Then tonight this genius texts me and asks me to come over.  I reminded him that he called me a bitch last time we hung out.  He said sorry and then asked if we could have sex!  I'm like ummm, NO.  I said I just want to be friends with him.  He said, "Hellooo, haven't you heard of friends with benefits???".  I said no again and added a smiley face.  He told me to go to hell!  Then he texts me again five minutes later asking if I'll come over tomorrow. Um yeah, sure, ok.  HA!  Charmers like that get me every time. *Insert eye roll here.

Right or Wrong?

It's been a strange couple of weeks.  The job is going well, but things aren't so great in the relationship area.  After a lot of thought, I decided to take a break from the relationship, not really a break up, but just a break.  I have great friends and a great family.  I am finally working too, so why am I so sad?  I've been really trying to figure that out and I came to the conclusion that I spend 95% of the time missing him and 5% of the time actually talking to him.  At the end of the day I have so much stuff I want to tell him and he's not there, not answering the phone, not returning texts for hours or til the next day.  We see each other maybe once a week.  It's been like 9 months or something and it's been like this for probably the last 6 months.  We talked about it last night and I wasn't sure what to do.  He couldn't offer any sort of solution or say that he could be more available.  The one thing he did say made things really clear all of the sudden though.  He said maybe because I have more time on my hands and am not working full-time, I'm just lonely.  That actually made me mad.  If I wanted to go out with friends every single weekend I could.  If I just needed a warm body, he could easily be replaced.  I want him, not just anyone.  I'm telling him I miss HIM and he just sees me as some pathetic lonely mess.  At that moment I stopped crying and told him I wanted a break.  I saw how he sees me.  How can you be in love with someone you think is a sad little mess?  I'm going to concentrate on me for a while.  Maybe he can take some time for himself.  I don't know. I'm not looking for another relationship.  I really want that one to work, but it's really NOT working the way it is.  I need more.  I want to be a real part of his life, not an after thought.  All I know is I feel like I did the right thing for me this time.  It doesn't make me happy, but I had to do it.

Best of Fall

It's that time again. Yep, fall in Texas.  We've had a cool front and the past week the high has only been in the 90s verses the 108 degree weather we've had half of the summer.  It'll be back in the 100s tomorrow.  It has been brutally HOT here!  Anyone with a television is aware of the wildfires in the past few weeks.

Dove hunting season also started a couple of weeks ago. Today our family is having one of our big dove cookouts.  They're frying dove, making chicken-fried venison, and my favorite, "white wings".  White wings are dove breast stuffed with jalapeno and cheese and wrapped in bacon.  Yummy!  My mother also makes THE best chicken fried steak, venison, or chicken fried anything for that matter.  It's going to be a big group.  Of course we can't have fall without football, so the dove fry is scheduled around the Cowboys game.  Food, family, and football!  What could be better!  I'm also excited that my boyfriend will be here for this one :)

Happy Fall Y'all!

Texas is a sad looking place this year.

Please donate to help Texas Wildfire Victims!

What Happened to Fidelity?

I was talking to a friend the other day and I learned something disheartening.  A couple we both know aren't as strong as they seem.  He has had an affair and encouraged his friend to do the same.  They are active in church and she is always posting how much she loves her husband and what a great marriage they have.  She has no idea who he really is.  What's even worse is the girl he had an affair with was married to another friend of mine and she left him without saying why.  He doesn't know who she really is either.  These people have children.  This particular circle of affairs just keeps going and doesn't seem to have an end in sight.  What is wrong with my generation?  Why is it so difficult for us to be faithful?  Is infidelity more likely to occur in a small town like mine or is it just that everyone is connected, so everyone knows?  This conversation makes me want to run screaming into the night from my little town.  Just last week I posted about strong relationships and the ones I've grown up watching.  Is it just my generation?  Are we simply that selfish?  Considering that I have strong hopes of getting married and having a family someday, this knowledge is extremely unsettling.  Maybe we just aren't working hard enough.  Maybe my generation isn't putting in the elbow grease required to make things last.  I really wish I knew the answers to this one.  There are plenty of other species that mate for life.  Here are some animals we could learn a thing or two from.

Gibbons     French Angelfish     Condors     Swans     Black Vultures      Wolves     Bald Eagles     Beavers     Coyotes     Albatrosses     Turtle Doves     Prairie Voles

Elbow Grease

I grew up with several very strong couples.  I've watched them throughout my life.  I've seen them struggle and I've seem them succeed.  These couples taught me an invaluable lesson.  Relationships are hard work.  Anyone who expects a relationship to be easy is going to be sorely disappointed.  One person can't carry a relationship either.  Both people have to work hard and make a conscious effort to stay together.

I've dated different types of guys over the years.  Some didn't want to work at the relationship even though they wanted it to work out very badly.  Some didn't want to work at the relationship because I wasn't all that important.  I was simply convenient.  I wasn't the one.  Some just thought relationships are easy and love is enough.

Through my own struggles I've realized that I work harder to make relationships work than anything else in my life.  I put the relationship before my job, my friends, even my family at times.  I've also realized that I work very hard at relationships with people I know aren't good for me.  I will kill myself trying to bend and twist to the needs of someone that doesn't feel the same for me.  Any chance at love and I become a contortionist trying to fit myself into someone's life.  The problem is that often he never intended to make me a real part of his life.  I was hoping for something that just wasn't there.

Hopefully this time I've gotten it right. I love my boyfriend and he and I are going to work together on this!

Things I've Learned While Unemployed

1. I am a lazy slob.  Even when I have the time I put cleaning my house at the absolute bottom of my list.
2. They made new Looney Tunes episodes around 2002.  If I’m still awake at 5:00 AM, I like to watch them on Cartoon Network.
3. I cannot stick to a sleep schedule when I don’t have a routine.
4. I’m better at feeding cows than I thought, but man my back hurts!  Lugging around 50lbs feed sacks when I haven’t exercised in forever sucks!
5. Apparently Medicare will pay for disposable catheters.  Thank you Hallmark Channel for those lovely advertisements. TMI.
6. Hallmark Channel sensors even more than regular networks require.  Reruns of Frasier are bleeped out regularly.
7. Actors who haven’t quite hit the bottom rung and gone on to star in a Lifetime Movie of the Week, take a slower dive to nothingness by starring in Hallmark movies about losing the family farm.  I’m talking to you, Jennie Garth and Shannon Daugherty. 
8. Mob Wives is some scary stuff!  I only watched one episode, but totally believe they have no problem whacking someone.
9. I can live on chips, cheese dip, and Sunny D for an extended period of time.
10. I don’t require much money when I don’t go anywhere or do anything or eat real food.
11. I will do a lot of different chores for strangers who will pay me, but I draw the line at working with/for certain family members, no matter how much they’re willing to pay.  It’s just not worth the hard feelings and bickering.
12. Even though I’m sitting at home alone, bored out of my mind, the rest of the world keeps on going.  No one is waiting with me, although they are hoping and praying for me.
13. Not finding a job after an extended period of time makes one feel like a major LOSER.
14. I HATE that Samsung commercial for the cell phone where it shows a picture of a spider and the woman screams her damn head off.  I will never buy a Samsung phone simply because that commercial pisses me off so much.
15. Buying Solitaire for my Blackberry was one of the best investments I ever made.
16. No one is getting rich from Google Ads on their blog.  In almost 2 months I've made $0.15.

Generation Z, I, M, or Whatever You Want to Call Them

After reading my almost sister's post, I'm a Realist, I decided to make a few statements of my own about the current generation of children.  Before anyone starts reading this and gets offended, please remember that this is my opinion and you don't have to agree.  People don't agree with me all the time!  Big freaking deal.

I was raised similarly to Cely.  My parents told me I was smart and pretty.  However, my parents did NOT think I was THE smartest, cutest, or best child ever.  They told me I could accomplish realistic goals with hard work.  I was never told I'd be famous or anything like that.  When I started sixth grade my parents attended open house.  We were in the gym listening to the P.E. coach.  When she finished talking about all the activities we'd be required to do, my mother raised her hand and said, "What if our child is not, umm, athletically inclined?"  My parents were fully aware of my strengths and weaknesses.

My boyfriend's son is often saying how awesome he is at things.  He's mentioned several times that he is "awesome at football!".  My boyfriend then reminds is son that he does pretty well, but he isn't necessarily awesome.  He tells his son that he has a lot of work to do before he can say he is awesome at football.  I like that.  He doesn't discourage his son, but he also isn't filling his head with a bunch of garbage.  He wants to keep his son grounded.

I was a teacher for the past seven years and it seems today's parents and children are often not realistic about the child's strengths and weaknesses.  I have quite a few stores about "perfect children" and the parents that told them this crap.  First of all, no one is perfect.  You aren't Jesus.  Your kid isn't Jesus.

I've had kids repeatedly tell me they weren't going to pick up trash off the floor because "that's what the janitor is for".  I informed them that the janitor's job was to vacuum, dust, empty trash cans, clean boards and desks, etc., NOT pick up the kids' mess.  I had to call a parent one day and inform her of her child's behavior and why he was getting an office referral.  The mother said, "I'm not calling you a liar, but my child wouldn't do that."  Riiight. You aren't calling me a liar, but I must be lying.  I had a mother complain to the principal one year because I was talking to my students about preparing for college.  This was a Pre-AP class where the goal IS college.  She said I was putting too much pressure on them as middle school students.  My principal said, "Ma'am, when would you like for us to start preparing them for college?"  She didn't have an answer to that.

Last year I was sitting at my desk in my classroom.  It was the last day of the 9-week grading period.  Grades were due before lunch, so I had turned mine in as it was already afternoon.  A mother walked into my classroom with her daughter.  She had checked her grades online and saw that her daughter had a C.  The mother asked if there was anything her daughter could do to bring up her grade.  I replied that I had already turned grades in and that it was the last day of the 9-weeks.  I also explained that her child had several late assignments and that she had failed an open-note test and chose not to do corrections to raise her grade.  The mother then explained that her daughter would be in big trouble if she got a C and again asked if I could change her grade.  Again, I said it was the last day of the grading period and that her daughter should have come to me before today.  I didn't bend on this one and the mother kept saying that her daughter would be in big trouble at home if she got a C.

Here's what baffles me.  This mother was trying to save the daughter from her own rule!  I'm not the one who said she wasn't allowed to get Cs!  She imposed a rule on her child and then didn't want to follow through and be the bad guy.  She didn't say anything to her child about why she hadn't turned in assignments on time or why she didn't do test corrections.

A few years ago I was teaching at a school in a nicer area of town.  Most of the students were upper-middle class.  I was teaching a gifted and talented history class.  As I'm giving what I felt was a particularly moving lesson on slavery, I see two girls passing notes.  I picked up the notes and they were griping about why they had to learn this.  One girl said she was going to be a model and the other said she was going to be a doctor and both had written that they didn't need to know about history or slavery for either profession.  Interestingly enough, one of the girls was African-American.  It took everything I had not to go off on these two.  Instead I kept them after class and talked to them.  I told the one who wanted to be a doctor that she had to have good grades in ALL classes to be a doctor, including history.  I told the one who wanted to be a model that she better have a back-up plan and get an education because modeling only lasts so long and what if she didn't make it at all.

One year I had a particularly rowdy class at the same school.  This group of kids are the ones who think they can do no wrong.  They were always talking about being pro-athletes or famous musicians or things like that.  So one day I'm up teaching and they just wouldn't listen.  I'd repeatedly told them to be quiet. One kid piped up that he didn't need to worry about this stuff because he was going to play pro-basketball.  I snapped!  This is where I went all Bad Teacher on them.  I closed my book and I looked around the room.  I said, "Guys, I'm about to kill your dreams."  I proceeded to tell them that they weren't all going to be famous, that maybe one out of the 700 in their entire school would end up famous and it probably wouldn't be them.  I told them they better have a back-up plan, so they could get a real job.  The next Michael Jordan was not sitting in this classroom.  They weren't going to be a rock star.  Then I went on to tell them they would have a hard time making it in the real world with their current attitudes.  I told them if they behaved at a job the way they behaved in a classroom, they'd be fired.  I told them if I talked to my principal the way they talked to me, they'd be fired.  Then I went around the room pointing at the particularly obnoxious ones and said, "You're fired!  You're fired!  You're fired!"  I told them why they'd be fired too.  I told these kids what all they would need money for and how they better pay attention in class, so they had good enough grades to get into college because without a degree, they wouldn't get a good enough job to be able to afford those nice things they were used to.  I went home that afternoon just knowing that I'd be getting calls from parents the next day, but I didn't care.  I felt like these kids were setting themselves up for major disappointment down the road and that maybe I had gotten through to at least one. 

So here's the point. Parents, please teach your children realism.  Please tell them that they will have to work hard for most things in their life.  Please don't set them up for major disappointment.  You can't go to college with them and save them from that mean professor.  You can't go to their first job with them and save them from that evil boss.  Teach them that not everyone will like them.  Teach them that they won't always be the best at something.  Let them stumble and fall sometimes, so they know how to get back up.

I'm in a Great Relationship, so Can I Stop Freaking Out Now?

I ran across this great post on The Frisky by Dater X.  It summed up how I feel in my relationship so well! The only major difference is that there is no Thai food in my small down.  There's no delivery period, so I always make a stop at the store for a pint of ice cream.  Enjoy! 

Last Thursday, I prepared myself for what I thought would be a big milestone in my relationship with The Young One. His older sister—who serves double duty as his best friend—was visiting and I was going to meet her for the first time over dinner. That morning, I rummaged through my closet, trying to find the perfect ensemble to project a cool-yet-wholesome image. Over lunch, I brainstormed restaurants with my co-workers, hoping to find a place that felt special and laid-back at the same time—a true reflection of me. All afternoon I felt on a high that I was about to meet my first member of The Young One’s family—the one he was closest to, no less. Visions of his sister and I becoming besties danced in my head.

But as late afternoon rolled around, I hadn’t heard from The Young One. He remembers dinner tonight, right? I thought before spiraling into another thought. What if he’s changed his mind about introducing me to his sister?

I sent him a text message asking him what time he wanted to meet. For a half hour, it was easy to justify the fact that The Young One hadn’t responded to my text. Maybe they’re on the subway? I thought. Or at a museum where they have to turn off their cell phones?

But soon, time began to warp. Every minute I didn’t hear from The Young One seemed to stretch on far too long. A strange sensation took hold of my stomach and tingled more and more as each moment passed. Here it comes. He’s blowing me off, I thought. I can’t believe he doesn’t want me to meet his sister! Why did he even suggest it if he wasn’t ready?

I watched my co-workers shut down their computers and leave. It was 7 p.m. and I still hadn’t heard from The Young One. I was in full-scale panic mode. Luckily, my friend logged on to IM and I pinged her. “You had dinner plans and you still haven’t heard from him?” she said as I explained the situation. “Oh man, that isn’t a good sign.”

Just then, my phone buzzed with a text. It was The Young One. “So sorry,” it read. “Dinner isn’t going to work out tonight.”

It was as if he’d just confirmed my worst fears—he wasn’t ready to introduce me to a member of his family. I related the text to my friend on IM. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “But he didn’t give any kind of explanation? That’s not good.”

I knew his sister was only in town for another day and a half. “If he lets her leave without meeting me—that’s it. We’re done!” I said to my friend. “I don’t want to be with anyone who has any kind of reservations about me.”

I went home, ordered Thai food, and cried.

Later that night, I got an important lesson: it’s not always about you.

At 11 p.m., The Young One called. He explained this his sister’s boyfriend of three years had broken up with her over the phone that morning and said he was moving out of the apartment they shared. The Young One apologized profusely about not communicating with me about what was going on earlier in the day. He said he’d been so focused on his sister that he wasn’t paying attention to his phone. It had slipped his mind that we had made plans. It wasn’t at all that he was having doubts about introducing me to his big sister—it was that she was having flash crying attacks and didn’t feel up to meeting me.

I felt relieved. And also totally ridiculous. Sadly, this isn’t the first freak out of this magnitude that I’ve had during my six-month relationship with The Young One. There was the time, maybe a month and half in, when I didn’t hear from him for 36 hours. “I’m obviously never going to hear from him again,” I panicked to my friend. Yeah, I did. Then there was the time maybe two months later when again, he went AWOL for a day and a half after we’d had a fight. “It’s over,” I braced myself. Yeah, it wasn’t. Not even slightly.

Somehow, when I was single, I imagined that being in a relationship was going to be all daffodils and teacup piglets. I forgot how difficult it can be to get on—and stay on—the same page with another person, who has different ideas on how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich let alone how communication in a relationship should work, through the twists and turns of everyday life. Being in a new relationship, I’ve been shocked to learn something about myself: I’m not so great at trusting that I’m loved. When I’m with The Young One, I’m fine. But when we’re apart, minor things can send me spiraling. Sometimes I feel like one of those people on an airplane who ducks and covers, preparing for a crash landing when there’s only a slight touch of turbulence.

I’m finding it strange that so much of the drama in my relationship happens solely in my head. Now, I know I wasn’t always like this. My last relationship was with someone who didn’t show me half the affection or intensity of feelings that The Young One does and I didn’t constantly worry that we were hitting the skids. Something about being single for so long changed my ability to relax in a relationship. When I was single, I established this pattern with men: Go out with guy. We like each other. We begin intense fling with grand declarations of feelings. Then one day, seemingly out of the blue, he disappears. Having several guys over time pull fade outs—well, to use psychospeak, I think it’s given me some abandonment issues.

A few months back, Beth described this phenomenon as Post-Traumatic Dating Disorder. I think she is onto something and could make a million if she wrote a self-help book on how to conquer it. Several of my friends who are also in new relationships are experiencing the exact same thing. Something about dating and seeing how hot can turn so quickly into cold makes it very hard to believe that someone’s feelings for you won’t just … change.

Now, the dating adage goes: you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. So some of you who have not experienced this might be reading and thinking, “Wow, she has low self-esteem.” But I don’t think that is what this is about. I love myself and truth be told, think I’m pretty awesome and know that I am a 10 on all levels. But here’s the problem—I’ve had a pattern of experiences where another person didn’t see that. I’ve seen in action that just because you are amazing doesn’t necessarily mean that another person will be able to recognize that. Or that you are the specific brand of amazing that they are looking for.

When you are dating, you generally don’t know exactly how someone feels about you. And so you begin to take the minutiae of their behavior as signals. He texted twice today? Ding, ding, ding! He likes you. He called to make plans for the weekend? Woo hoo hoo! You are in.` You haven’t heard from him in a few days? Uh-oh. He made a date for Monday instead of Saturday? Sorry, he’s just not that into you. Wait, you had to call him? You’re barking up the wrong tree.

The difference here is that I know that The Young One loves me—he says it all the time and shows me it in so many way. But somehow, I’m still using checklists to assure me that it’s true. I’m looking for the things I’ve been told are “signs” that he is serious about me—introductions to friends, being taken to a work event, being called his “girlfriend,” meeting the family—rather than listening and hearing him say that, yes, he is. All it comes down to is that everyone has different ideas about how/when to incorporate a new significant other into their life.

Naturally, I told my therapist about my big sister-dinner-meltdown of last week. She said something really interesting: “This is not about whether the relationship works out or not—you can’t know that yet. This is about you learning how to be in a healthy relationship.” Truly, this is something I need some practice in. So I’ve brainstormed some ways that I can ease myself through freak outs, if I ever have one again. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

• Focus on what was said rather than on how long ago it was said and who started the conversation. I need to stop counting hours between communication and taking the time elapsed as something meaningful. Instead, I’m going to remember the content. Did he remember something that was going on in my life? Tell me something that was going on in his? Did he say he loved me? Yeah, trust that. Also, I realize that while dating, I stopped feeling comfortable initiating communication with guys. Instead, I waited to see how long it would take them to contact me—again, to judge how they were feeling. And that is ridiculous. If I want to talk to The Young One, I can place the call, write the text, or send the email myself.
• Keep a relationship diary. I have never been one to keep a journal, but a friend suggested to me that every night, in a notebook, I write down a highlight of the day involving The Young One—just a sentence or two about a fun thing we did together, a nice email he sent, or a sweet thing he said/did. And she’s right. Having that on paper has been so helpful anytime I’m feeling insecure because I can look back and see that, duh, I am loved here.
• Watch the spiraling. If there is a dip in communication, it may well be a sign that something is up. But I need to stop jumping from “problem” to “it’s over.” As my therapist noted, part of a new relationship is building a track record as a couple of being able to work through issues. Problems do not mean the end of the world—they’re a chance to test how good we are at communicating and how well we’ll work long term because, let’s face it, life can be full of road bumps.
• Just enjoy it. Enough said, right?

The biggest thing for me to remember is that you can’t really brace for a crash landing. Is there a chance that me and The Young One won’t work out? Of course there is. If that happens, it’s going to hurt no matter what. I won’t necessarily be able to see it coming. I can’t insulate myself from it. I can’t pre-empt it by deciding “we’re done” without talking to him when I’m upset about something. The bottom line is that love is a risk and with relationships, there are no guarantees. But being able to look that fear in the face and still leap—well, that’s what makes love so sublime.

So, talk to me. Have you ever experienced anything like this? If so, what gets you through it?

Sorry I’ve been so MIA lately. Have you guys missed me? If you ever want to email me, hit me up at imdaterx@gmail.com. And I promise to check in once a month or so from here on out. Really.

IIH/Pseudotumor Cerebri Promise

I've been feeling pretty down about my health lately and came across this on a Facebook support group page.


I promise to accept the fact that I have PTC, a neurological disorder which will limit my abilities in my every day life.

While I will always have PTC, some days will be good, and some days will be bad. I will be thankful for the good days and try to make the most of them. When I am having a bad day, I will try to remember that most likely it will not last.

When I am having a bad day, I will listen to my body, and get the rest that I need. I will let my family know that I am not feeling well, because they cannot read my mind.

I will not feel guilty about resting, because I will eventually begin to feel better, and in the long run, it will also benefit my family. They will not become malnourished if they eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.

I will not feel guilty or worry about the work that is not getting done while I am resting. The world will not fall apart without me, even though it looks like it already has.

I will not let anyone else make me feel guilty for taking time out for myself. They will never understand exactly what I am experiencing, the pain I feel, the exhaustion that I feel. They will never understand the fear that I feel when my symptoms creep up on me, and land me flat on my back.

I promise not to feel sorry for myself when I am feeling bad, because there are a lot of people out there who are in worse shape than I am. I will not be sorry for what I don't have, but be thankful for what I do have.

I promise to learn a lesson from my illness, which is not to take life for granted. I will try to enjoy every moment that was given to me, and be thankful for the times I can smile and laugh.

I will try to help others who also suffer from my condition. There are many confused and frightened people who need to hear comforting words from someone who has been there. There are many people who need me to take his or her hand, and be pointed in the right direction.

Lastly, I will not ask "Why me?" While PTC has weakened my physical body, it has strengthened my heart, my soul, and my spirit.

Sheila Reilly

Never Trust a Man Who Says Trust Me

"Never trust a man who says trust me."  I received these words of advice at my high school graduation party about thirteen years ago.  As a rule, I have always been very trusting except when it came to salesmen and guys hitting on me or my friends.  Once I was in a relationship with someone though, I trusted them completely.  I trusted my friends just as much.  I know I can trust my family.

Somewhere along the line though, I got burned one too many times.  Too many guys lied to me.  Too many people let me down.  I stopped trusting.  I trust a handful of people that are my family or I consider family.  The rest I listen to, then take their words and actions, and analyze them to death.  I'm always on the lookout for someone trying to use me or take advantage of me.  As you can imagine, this is not a pleasant way to exist.

Now I've reached a point where I want to be able to trust people again.  I want to trust my boyfriend.  I want to trust new friends.  I just don't know how.  How do I let go and not be so afraid of getting burned again?  That's what it all boils down to, I don't trust people because I don't want to let people hurt me anymore.  I realize though that I'll never really have a strong relationship without trust.  I need help with this one.  How do I let down my guard and learn to trust again?

And We're Back

Well, my sweet guy and I finally talked yesterday.  We went to dinner and really got everything sorted out.  Because I respect his privacy,  I'm not going to explain to the world wide web what all went wrong, but basically he needed space and I was holding on tighter.  Two wrongs don't make a right, especially in this case.  We both apologized and all is right in the world.  We both have things to work on, but at least I can say we made it through our first real disagreement.  I'm pretty proud of us too because we did it without yelling, name calling, cursing, or any other major offenses.  We were able to discuss it like rational, caring adults and I didn't even cry.  Tears welled up, but they didn't fall! Yea me LOL!

I also decided that once again I was putting everything into the relationship and losing focus on everything else.  I haven't hung out with my friends nearly enough.  This week that changes.  I'm going to a Texas music festival at my old stompin' grounds.  That's right, back to the college alma matter.  What better way to reconnect with some of my friends than by living it up like I'm 21 again!  Ha, I'm so too old for it, but we're gonna party like it's 1999!  All is right in the world.  I hope you enjoy the roller coaster that is my life and please do not unbuckle your seat belts until the car has come to a complete stop.

Sick!

Yep, that's right, I'm sick!  To anyone who reads my blog or knows me, this isn't news lol.  I wish I could say it was just mentally, but no such luck.  I seem to be a walking infection.  In the last three weeks I've had a biopsy, bacterial infection, and now a virus.  That of course is on top of my regular headaches.  So, what does this mean for me?  

Well I've started looking for a new job/career.  I'm looking for a work from home or part-time position.  It also needs to be a quiet, low stress environment.  Ha!  I know.  Where the hell are those jobs?  My pharmacist's wife suggested maybe a funeral home. (Yes, I'm quite familiar with my pharmacy staff.)  I started to roll my eyes, but then I actually considered it for a minute.  It's definitely quiet!  

I started really applying for jobs this week though.  So far, the only one I've heard back from is for a personal assistant job.  The only problem is that after I sent my resume with ALL my contact information, I received a more complete job description from the gentleman.  No, it's not what you're thinking.  He didn't want any sort of relations, but he wanted me to mail checks for him to people that he was getting wrecked cars from because he sells the cars out of the country.  He would give me account numbers etc. and I was supposed to do the rest.  He said he lived in New York and was an American citizen.  Why would he want a personal assistant in Texas and why did he feel the need to tell me he's a citizen?  At the very least I think he could be dealing in stolen cars or wanting me to launder money.  Um yeah, I said no thank you.  Let's not forget though that he has my home address and phone number.  I have a feeling this one is going to come back to bite me!  I'm still waiting to hear back from several other, hopefully more legitimate, prospects.

The other thing that concerns me about being sick is the people I love.  My friends at work and my students pretty much think I've fallen off the planet.  My parents are torn between worrying about me and telling me to suck it up and go to work.  And then, there is my fairly new relationship.  I've found this great guy.  I'm just so terrified he's going to get fed up with my health issues.  He has shown me no indication that he is annoyed at all.  He checks on me and is really great.  The worries I have aren't based on anything he's said or done, but I guess more on my past relationships.  My ex-husband literally would leave the house when I didn't feel good because he just could not stand to be around sick people.  In his mind, people who get sick are weak.  Most guys I talked to after my divorce ran for the hills when I mentioned I have a health condition.  My boyfriend is absolutely amazing though which is probably why I'm so afraid of it not working out.  I'm working with my counselor on these insecurities.  

What is all this rambling about...  Well, let's sum it up into three goals.  Find a new job, get healthy, fight my neurotic tendencies.  Those are all pretty simple right :P