Brighter Days

So everything with the best guy friend are back to normal.  I guess he actually listened to what I said because he called the very next day.  Didn't take to long for him to think about things! Lol  I'm still waiting to hear back about grad school.  Some how my transcript has been misplaced by the university and they can't accept me until they locate it.  If I send a new one it is considered late.  I gave them the tracking number, date and time, plus the person who signed for it on their campus.  But, some how it's still missing!  Ugh!  I'm pretty frustrated with the whole thing, but still praying I get accepted.  This is my hope for a future and I'm not giving up yet!

Yet Again

Things have been amazing with my best guy friend/I don't know what to call him.  We've been hanging out a lot.  He's been super sweet and even sort of protective.  Last week I met his cousin, then he went with me and one of my friends for drinks.  Yesterday I met another one of his cousins.  It's been great.  Then today he calls and tells me we need some time apart because he has commitment issues and can't be my boyfriend.  Those were his actual words.  I was like what?!?  I told him I hadn't asked him for anything and that I didn't have expectations.  He said I'm a great friend and he didn't want to hold me back from something I deserve.  I explained that I'm perfectly content with how things are.  I reminded him that my life is a complete mess right now and that I don't have room for a boyfriend really.  He was just kind of silent, so I said he should call me when he is ready to hang out again.  Then I hung up the phone and naturally burst into tears.  Why is it that when things are going great, something bad always happens?  I feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up and feeling happy about something.  The worst part is that he really is one of my best friends.  I spend more time with him than anyone and we talk about everything.  I wish he didn't over think everything and start freaking out.  Why do guys think we want to marry them tomorrow?  Seriously, I know that I want a family in the future, but the thought of marriage right now scares me to death.  I have no job and I'm not sure where I'll be living in the future.  I have a freaking brain disease.  My life is so uncertain.  I'm not in a place where I'm really dependable.  I wouldn't make a good wife right now.  I need more time.  I just want what we have to stay the same.  I just want what we have. 

Love and Other Drugs

Love and Other Drugs is a movie about a young woman with Parkinson's and her boyfriend as their relationship progresses.  It show the struggles of living with her illness and trying to have a real relationship with a future.  The first time I saw it, I hated it.  It made me cry and it hit way too close to home.  I was watching it with my boyfriend at the time and I could see his face as it was hitting him and he was realizing how similar this girl's situation was to mine.  I saw him thinking how this wasn't what he signed up for.  He really didn't talk to me for the rest of the night.  Needless to say our relationship didn't last.

I thought about the movie several times since then and I watched it again.  This time though I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.  That was a major difference.  I was able to see other similarities besides having a long term illness.  I have a lot to offer the right guy, just like she did.  I will encourage him and build him up.  I also realized that relationship is what I want.  I don't want a knight in shining armor to save me.  I just want the one who will stay around when things get hard.  This is my favorite part of the movie.  It completely sums up how I feel and what I'm waiting for.

Jumping on the Bandwagon

For years I've been proud of the fact that out of my friends, I'm one of the few who doesn't have a tattoo.  I'm not exactly trendy.  A few months before my 30th birthday I really started thinking about getting one.  It's been over two years and I'm still thinking about it.  I feel like I'm grounded enough in who I am to decide on something really permanent.  When I was younger I couldn't think of anything I would want to look at for the REST OF MY LIFE.  After thinking about it this long though, I know what's important to me.  I know who I am.  The options I considered are something symbolizing God and/or family.  The inner side of my foot seems like a safe place to get a tattoo as far as professional careers are concerned.  I haven't talked to any artists yet and I haven't chosen a font or exact design, but I think I know what I want.  I want some version of this verse from the book of Isaiah.  It encourages me and reminds me no matter how lonely I feel that I'm never actually alone.  God is there.  I would like feedback from people.  To tattoo or not to tattoo?  Those that know me, do you think I'm ready for this kind of permanency?  Do you think I will regret it later?  If you have one, what kind of flack did you catch from your family?  Weigh in y'all!

Time Shouldn't Change

It's that time again.  Yep, it's 1:30 AM and I'm awake because my body is an hour behind.  Daylight savings time has passed its prime!  What a colossal waste of energy!  Monday morning is going to be especially cruel this time.

On a more pleasant note, I figured out the answer to my question from the previous post.  Since I was lying here wide awake tonight I decided to do some reading.  I found my Bible and read the book of Genesis, then skimmed through passages I've been underlining since about eighth grade.  It was right there all along.  What do people do when they don't know what else to do?  What do they do when they have nothing to look forward to?  Pray.  Then, pray some more.  I don't know God's reasoning, but I know He has a plan for me.  I know I'm not meant to flounder about at age 32.  I will work on becoming the woman God wants me to be and maybe, just maybe God will bring that love and family I'm hoping for.  I know He will bring me through this.

Time Stands Still

I have so little inspiration to write lately. I do the same thing every week, go to work, go home, go out with friends on the weekend, go home alone. Pretty uneventful.  Life isn't moving forward and I'm at a point where I don't know how to move it forward.  What do people do when there isn't anything to look forward to?  That's where I'm at right now.

Running on Empty

Lately I feel like I've been running on empty.  I'm exhausted all the time.  I come home from work and go to bed and lots of days I'll sleep until the morning.  I know this is due to my IIH and stress which triggers the symptoms.  Work is going well and isn't the issue.  I just can't shake this feeling that this is it.  This is my life and it's not going to change.  Maybe it's not in the plan for me to have a family.  Maybe finding that great love just isn't going to be part of my life.  It leaves me feeling very empty and hopeless.  My life cannot consist of only what it is now because then there is nothing to look forward to.  How do I accept this?  Is this really God's plan for me?  I'm feeling very broken and need a boost.  I've got to get myself out of this funk!  I've been praying for God to lift this heaviness from my heart.  I remind myself of the good things in my life- friends, family, job, etc.  I just feel like part of me is missing.  I want to be a mother and I want love.  How does a person accept that maybe this isn't going to happen for them?

Right or Wrong?

It's been a strange couple of weeks.  The job is going well, but things aren't so great in the relationship area.  After a lot of thought, I decided to take a break from the relationship, not really a break up, but just a break.  I have great friends and a great family.  I am finally working too, so why am I so sad?  I've been really trying to figure that out and I came to the conclusion that I spend 95% of the time missing him and 5% of the time actually talking to him.  At the end of the day I have so much stuff I want to tell him and he's not there, not answering the phone, not returning texts for hours or til the next day.  We see each other maybe once a week.  It's been like 9 months or something and it's been like this for probably the last 6 months.  We talked about it last night and I wasn't sure what to do.  He couldn't offer any sort of solution or say that he could be more available.  The one thing he did say made things really clear all of the sudden though.  He said maybe because I have more time on my hands and am not working full-time, I'm just lonely.  That actually made me mad.  If I wanted to go out with friends every single weekend I could.  If I just needed a warm body, he could easily be replaced.  I want him, not just anyone.  I'm telling him I miss HIM and he just sees me as some pathetic lonely mess.  At that moment I stopped crying and told him I wanted a break.  I saw how he sees me.  How can you be in love with someone you think is a sad little mess?  I'm going to concentrate on me for a while.  Maybe he can take some time for himself.  I don't know. I'm not looking for another relationship.  I really want that one to work, but it's really NOT working the way it is.  I need more.  I want to be a real part of his life, not an after thought.  All I know is I feel like I did the right thing for me this time.  It doesn't make me happy, but I had to do it.

I Got a Job... Well, Sorta

Things are looking in a slight upward direction.  I have a part-time job, make that very part-time.  I will be tutoring students for a non-profit organization in a low income area.  I'll get a whopping 4.5 hours a week!  I'm also working with kindergarteners, my least favorite age.  Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of excited and a job is a job right.  It will at least fill a time gap on my resume.  Everything with the boyfriend is going pretty well.  I'll be tutoring in Austin, so at least we'll get to see each other more. 

Now if I could only figure out what it is I want to do with my life.  I don't think I'm ready for grad school with my health and I know I can't afford grad school right now.  That rules out law school too.  I feel pretty lost.  It's not only my career either.  I don't know what I want in my personal life, where I should live, anything.  If I find a full-time job, I'm thinking the rest will sort of work itself out.  In the mean time, I'm still waiting :)

Just When I Think I Know...

Just when I think I understand what is going on, it changes! I have been crying myself to sleep for the last few days missing my boyfriend.  We've talked off and on about it.  Tonight he asked to talk again.  It looks like we're going to try and work things out.  Thank God!  I've been a mess and not a hot mess either!  I'm not giving the nitty gritty details on here.  Basically, when someone has been through a divorce, relationships are harder.  People have more fear and anxiety.  It takes a long time to heal from a divorce.  I've had a couple more years than he has.  I think we're going to get through it together though.  I really hope so.  I was a sad little girl.  There's a good chance I was the number one customer at the bar for a few days.  I missed him so much.  I missed his kiddos too.  I don't like back and forth and I've been pretty harsh about other people that have those types of relationships, but I just can't quit.  I'm not giving up on him.  Guess that means I love him, huh.

Life as I Know it

I've been MIA lately.  I haven't felt like writing and I wasn't sure what to write because I've been dealing with all of these feelings in my head and trying to figure them out. After like eight months, the boyfriend and I are done.  It was his choice, not mine.  We've discussed it several times over the past week and it really is over.  So I was with this guy less than a year.  What's the big deal?  Why am I so broken over it?  I've been doing some serious soul searching to figure out why I'm so torn up over this break up.  Is it really about him?  Yes and no.  Did I love him? Yeah.  Did I love him more than I've loved anyone else ever?  No.  My temporary job ended about the same time as our relationship and I had to leave Austin and come back home.  Again.

Here's what I realized over the past week or so.  I've been waiting for the past three years.  I've been waiting for my life to change.  I've taken steps to change it, but for some reason, it's just not happening.  Maybe there isn't a job in Austin.  No knight in shining armor is going to ride in and save me, that's for sure.  I'm in this position due to my own decisions, but also due to events out of my control.  Basically I have to stop waiting for things to change.  I have to accept that this is my life.  Period.  I live in this little town, in this little house, BY MYSELF.  This is my life.  I have to accept it completely.  I somehow have to come to terms with that.  Am I depressed about it?  Hell yes I am!  I'm teetering on the edge of disappearing into oblivion or sucking it up and cleaning this disaster of a house and just dealing with it.  My current method of dealing with it though is just staying in bed in the dark.  Yes, I realize this is not healthy.  Yes, I realize I sound whiny and pathetic. 

I know there are starving people in Africa and homeless people all over the world.  I know there are people who don't have a family to support them and help them.  I'm working really hard to remember this and try not to feel too sorry for myself.  Finally accepting my life is going to take some time though.

Big Day Tomorrow!

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day! I have a job interview in the morning.  In the afternoon I start a temporary job that lasts a month.  The interview is for a job I'd really like to get.  It would get my foot in the door for one of those dream jobs.  The pay is absolutely awful, but like I said, it's a stepping stone.  I'll be living in the ghetto for sure, but at least it's the ghetto in Austin!  The temp job is also in Austin and my cousin has generously said I can stay with him and his family for the month.  I am beyond happy that I'll be so much closer to the boyfriend!  I'm excited and nervous and stressed out to the max!  I haven't packed or even really started laundry!  I think I'm still waiting for something to fall through.  Please pray I get this job tomorrow!

What Happened to Fidelity?

I was talking to a friend the other day and I learned something disheartening.  A couple we both know aren't as strong as they seem.  He has had an affair and encouraged his friend to do the same.  They are active in church and she is always posting how much she loves her husband and what a great marriage they have.  She has no idea who he really is.  What's even worse is the girl he had an affair with was married to another friend of mine and she left him without saying why.  He doesn't know who she really is either.  These people have children.  This particular circle of affairs just keeps going and doesn't seem to have an end in sight.  What is wrong with my generation?  Why is it so difficult for us to be faithful?  Is infidelity more likely to occur in a small town like mine or is it just that everyone is connected, so everyone knows?  This conversation makes me want to run screaming into the night from my little town.  Just last week I posted about strong relationships and the ones I've grown up watching.  Is it just my generation?  Are we simply that selfish?  Considering that I have strong hopes of getting married and having a family someday, this knowledge is extremely unsettling.  Maybe we just aren't working hard enough.  Maybe my generation isn't putting in the elbow grease required to make things last.  I really wish I knew the answers to this one.  There are plenty of other species that mate for life.  Here are some animals we could learn a thing or two from.

Gibbons     French Angelfish     Condors     Swans     Black Vultures      Wolves     Bald Eagles     Beavers     Coyotes     Albatrosses     Turtle Doves     Prairie Voles

Elbow Grease

I grew up with several very strong couples.  I've watched them throughout my life.  I've seen them struggle and I've seem them succeed.  These couples taught me an invaluable lesson.  Relationships are hard work.  Anyone who expects a relationship to be easy is going to be sorely disappointed.  One person can't carry a relationship either.  Both people have to work hard and make a conscious effort to stay together.

I've dated different types of guys over the years.  Some didn't want to work at the relationship even though they wanted it to work out very badly.  Some didn't want to work at the relationship because I wasn't all that important.  I was simply convenient.  I wasn't the one.  Some just thought relationships are easy and love is enough.

Through my own struggles I've realized that I work harder to make relationships work than anything else in my life.  I put the relationship before my job, my friends, even my family at times.  I've also realized that I work very hard at relationships with people I know aren't good for me.  I will kill myself trying to bend and twist to the needs of someone that doesn't feel the same for me.  Any chance at love and I become a contortionist trying to fit myself into someone's life.  The problem is that often he never intended to make me a real part of his life.  I was hoping for something that just wasn't there.

Hopefully this time I've gotten it right. I love my boyfriend and he and I are going to work together on this!

Caety's Kryptonite

*My sweet guy and I worked everything out. I wrote this when we were having some issues. The part about the silent treatment still holds true though and I love this song! :)

My weakness, my Achilles heal, my Kryptonite is very simple.  The easiest way to hurt me to my core is the silent treatment.  I'm sorry for what you think I meant.  I'm sorry for asking too much of you.  I'm sorry for needing you too much.  I had six amazing months with you.  Please don't take it all away.  We make a great us.  We are too good together.  Please don't make it end.  I love you.  I just want you to talk to me.  Please.  Please.  I'm broken.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat.  I can't focus on anything.  I need you.  You make me better.  You make me strive to be the person I want to be.

Things I've Learned While Unemployed

1. I am a lazy slob.  Even when I have the time I put cleaning my house at the absolute bottom of my list.
2. They made new Looney Tunes episodes around 2002.  If I’m still awake at 5:00 AM, I like to watch them on Cartoon Network.
3. I cannot stick to a sleep schedule when I don’t have a routine.
4. I’m better at feeding cows than I thought, but man my back hurts!  Lugging around 50lbs feed sacks when I haven’t exercised in forever sucks!
5. Apparently Medicare will pay for disposable catheters.  Thank you Hallmark Channel for those lovely advertisements. TMI.
6. Hallmark Channel sensors even more than regular networks require.  Reruns of Frasier are bleeped out regularly.
7. Actors who haven’t quite hit the bottom rung and gone on to star in a Lifetime Movie of the Week, take a slower dive to nothingness by starring in Hallmark movies about losing the family farm.  I’m talking to you, Jennie Garth and Shannon Daugherty. 
8. Mob Wives is some scary stuff!  I only watched one episode, but totally believe they have no problem whacking someone.
9. I can live on chips, cheese dip, and Sunny D for an extended period of time.
10. I don’t require much money when I don’t go anywhere or do anything or eat real food.
11. I will do a lot of different chores for strangers who will pay me, but I draw the line at working with/for certain family members, no matter how much they’re willing to pay.  It’s just not worth the hard feelings and bickering.
12. Even though I’m sitting at home alone, bored out of my mind, the rest of the world keeps on going.  No one is waiting with me, although they are hoping and praying for me.
13. Not finding a job after an extended period of time makes one feel like a major LOSER.
14. I HATE that Samsung commercial for the cell phone where it shows a picture of a spider and the woman screams her damn head off.  I will never buy a Samsung phone simply because that commercial pisses me off so much.
15. Buying Solitaire for my Blackberry was one of the best investments I ever made.
16. No one is getting rich from Google Ads on their blog.  In almost 2 months I've made $0.15.

Good News Bad News

Bad news first.  I didn't get the job I wanted.  Apparently there were a couple of internal candidates in the interview pool that were "practically already doing the job" to quote the interviewer.  One of them got the position.  At least I got beat out for a good reason.

Good news.  He said he really enjoyed meeting with me and talking to me and that there are a couple of other positions opening up in August.  He said to keep checking the website for those and that they'd love to find a way to get me in there.

That makes me feel a little better.  The jobs coming up aren't as good as the one I wanted, but it would be a good way to get my foot in the door.  I'm also waiting to hear if I get to interview for another position that would be right up my alley as well.  While I'm waiting, I hope y'all are praying for me :)

Hurry Up and Wait

So I had my interview on Tuesday.  It was going really well right up until the end.  I felt comfortable talking to them.  I had good informative answers to their questions.  I smiled and made eye contact with both people.  I asked good questions.  Then it was almost time to go.  They hadn't asked why I wasn't teaching anymore or why I left my job.  I knew that if they called my principal and asked about my attendance record it wouldn't be pretty.  I had been advised by my dad and Cely to go ahead and tell them I had some health issues.  It came to the end of the interview and I told them I had one more thing I wanted to mention.  I said part of the reason I wasn't teaching anymore is because I'd had some health problems and if they asked my principal about my attendance record, it is what it is due to my health.  That's where the interview came to a screeching halt. Cue car crash noises.  The two interviewers kind of looked at me for a minute.  Then the man said they wouldn't call my principal, that staff services would and only to verify employment.  They wouldn't ask any other questions of previous employers.  I said, "Oh, ok, well, I just wanted to be upfront and honest.  I hope this doesn't have any bearing on whether or not I get the position."  Yeah right.  That's like telling a jury to disregard everything they just heard.  It's out there and you can't erase people's memories, no matter how badly I want to.

I haven't heard anything yet.  They interviewed 12 people and hadn't decided if they were going to have a 2nd round of interviews.  I should know if I got the job, need to interview again, or didn't get the job by tomorrow or early next week.  I felt so good about it until the end and I walked out totally deflated.  I hope they liked me enough to overlook my health issues statement.  At least I didn't blurt out that it's a brain disease!  I'm just waiting to hear.  Yep, waiting as usual...

Preparation and Sleep Deprivation

In 12 hours I have an interview for my dream job.  The position is all about history which I love and it is in the big city where my sweet guy lives.  I have done my nails and planned out my hair.  I have my outfit planned to the last detail.  I printed extra copies of my resume.  I even cleaned out my purse.  Why, I don't know.  I wrote down some questions I can ask during the interview and I also jotted down a few responses to potential questions.  The only one I'm dreading is "Why did you leave the teaching field?".  That's the one where I have to go ahead and tell them I've had health issues because my attendance record is not the greatest.  I have some other things to add to it, but I just know that's the question that will make me stutter.  My portfolio is ready.  My alarms, yes plural, are set.  I can't sleep.  I really haven't eaten much today.  Those two things will be so helpful when I'm trying to sound intelligent tomorrow. Ha!  I don't think I've ever been this nervous about an interview.  If y'all pray, please pray I get this job!  I'm going to attempt to go to sleep and hope I don't puke in the morning! 

I'm in a Great Relationship, so Can I Stop Freaking Out Now?

I ran across this great post on The Frisky by Dater X.  It summed up how I feel in my relationship so well! The only major difference is that there is no Thai food in my small down.  There's no delivery period, so I always make a stop at the store for a pint of ice cream.  Enjoy! 

Last Thursday, I prepared myself for what I thought would be a big milestone in my relationship with The Young One. His older sister—who serves double duty as his best friend—was visiting and I was going to meet her for the first time over dinner. That morning, I rummaged through my closet, trying to find the perfect ensemble to project a cool-yet-wholesome image. Over lunch, I brainstormed restaurants with my co-workers, hoping to find a place that felt special and laid-back at the same time—a true reflection of me. All afternoon I felt on a high that I was about to meet my first member of The Young One’s family—the one he was closest to, no less. Visions of his sister and I becoming besties danced in my head.

But as late afternoon rolled around, I hadn’t heard from The Young One. He remembers dinner tonight, right? I thought before spiraling into another thought. What if he’s changed his mind about introducing me to his sister?

I sent him a text message asking him what time he wanted to meet. For a half hour, it was easy to justify the fact that The Young One hadn’t responded to my text. Maybe they’re on the subway? I thought. Or at a museum where they have to turn off their cell phones?

But soon, time began to warp. Every minute I didn’t hear from The Young One seemed to stretch on far too long. A strange sensation took hold of my stomach and tingled more and more as each moment passed. Here it comes. He’s blowing me off, I thought. I can’t believe he doesn’t want me to meet his sister! Why did he even suggest it if he wasn’t ready?

I watched my co-workers shut down their computers and leave. It was 7 p.m. and I still hadn’t heard from The Young One. I was in full-scale panic mode. Luckily, my friend logged on to IM and I pinged her. “You had dinner plans and you still haven’t heard from him?” she said as I explained the situation. “Oh man, that isn’t a good sign.”

Just then, my phone buzzed with a text. It was The Young One. “So sorry,” it read. “Dinner isn’t going to work out tonight.”

It was as if he’d just confirmed my worst fears—he wasn’t ready to introduce me to a member of his family. I related the text to my friend on IM. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “But he didn’t give any kind of explanation? That’s not good.”

I knew his sister was only in town for another day and a half. “If he lets her leave without meeting me—that’s it. We’re done!” I said to my friend. “I don’t want to be with anyone who has any kind of reservations about me.”

I went home, ordered Thai food, and cried.

Later that night, I got an important lesson: it’s not always about you.

At 11 p.m., The Young One called. He explained this his sister’s boyfriend of three years had broken up with her over the phone that morning and said he was moving out of the apartment they shared. The Young One apologized profusely about not communicating with me about what was going on earlier in the day. He said he’d been so focused on his sister that he wasn’t paying attention to his phone. It had slipped his mind that we had made plans. It wasn’t at all that he was having doubts about introducing me to his big sister—it was that she was having flash crying attacks and didn’t feel up to meeting me.

I felt relieved. And also totally ridiculous. Sadly, this isn’t the first freak out of this magnitude that I’ve had during my six-month relationship with The Young One. There was the time, maybe a month and half in, when I didn’t hear from him for 36 hours. “I’m obviously never going to hear from him again,” I panicked to my friend. Yeah, I did. Then there was the time maybe two months later when again, he went AWOL for a day and a half after we’d had a fight. “It’s over,” I braced myself. Yeah, it wasn’t. Not even slightly.

Somehow, when I was single, I imagined that being in a relationship was going to be all daffodils and teacup piglets. I forgot how difficult it can be to get on—and stay on—the same page with another person, who has different ideas on how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich let alone how communication in a relationship should work, through the twists and turns of everyday life. Being in a new relationship, I’ve been shocked to learn something about myself: I’m not so great at trusting that I’m loved. When I’m with The Young One, I’m fine. But when we’re apart, minor things can send me spiraling. Sometimes I feel like one of those people on an airplane who ducks and covers, preparing for a crash landing when there’s only a slight touch of turbulence.

I’m finding it strange that so much of the drama in my relationship happens solely in my head. Now, I know I wasn’t always like this. My last relationship was with someone who didn’t show me half the affection or intensity of feelings that The Young One does and I didn’t constantly worry that we were hitting the skids. Something about being single for so long changed my ability to relax in a relationship. When I was single, I established this pattern with men: Go out with guy. We like each other. We begin intense fling with grand declarations of feelings. Then one day, seemingly out of the blue, he disappears. Having several guys over time pull fade outs—well, to use psychospeak, I think it’s given me some abandonment issues.

A few months back, Beth described this phenomenon as Post-Traumatic Dating Disorder. I think she is onto something and could make a million if she wrote a self-help book on how to conquer it. Several of my friends who are also in new relationships are experiencing the exact same thing. Something about dating and seeing how hot can turn so quickly into cold makes it very hard to believe that someone’s feelings for you won’t just … change.

Now, the dating adage goes: you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. So some of you who have not experienced this might be reading and thinking, “Wow, she has low self-esteem.” But I don’t think that is what this is about. I love myself and truth be told, think I’m pretty awesome and know that I am a 10 on all levels. But here’s the problem—I’ve had a pattern of experiences where another person didn’t see that. I’ve seen in action that just because you are amazing doesn’t necessarily mean that another person will be able to recognize that. Or that you are the specific brand of amazing that they are looking for.

When you are dating, you generally don’t know exactly how someone feels about you. And so you begin to take the minutiae of their behavior as signals. He texted twice today? Ding, ding, ding! He likes you. He called to make plans for the weekend? Woo hoo hoo! You are in.` You haven’t heard from him in a few days? Uh-oh. He made a date for Monday instead of Saturday? Sorry, he’s just not that into you. Wait, you had to call him? You’re barking up the wrong tree.

The difference here is that I know that The Young One loves me—he says it all the time and shows me it in so many way. But somehow, I’m still using checklists to assure me that it’s true. I’m looking for the things I’ve been told are “signs” that he is serious about me—introductions to friends, being taken to a work event, being called his “girlfriend,” meeting the family—rather than listening and hearing him say that, yes, he is. All it comes down to is that everyone has different ideas about how/when to incorporate a new significant other into their life.

Naturally, I told my therapist about my big sister-dinner-meltdown of last week. She said something really interesting: “This is not about whether the relationship works out or not—you can’t know that yet. This is about you learning how to be in a healthy relationship.” Truly, this is something I need some practice in. So I’ve brainstormed some ways that I can ease myself through freak outs, if I ever have one again. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

• Focus on what was said rather than on how long ago it was said and who started the conversation. I need to stop counting hours between communication and taking the time elapsed as something meaningful. Instead, I’m going to remember the content. Did he remember something that was going on in my life? Tell me something that was going on in his? Did he say he loved me? Yeah, trust that. Also, I realize that while dating, I stopped feeling comfortable initiating communication with guys. Instead, I waited to see how long it would take them to contact me—again, to judge how they were feeling. And that is ridiculous. If I want to talk to The Young One, I can place the call, write the text, or send the email myself.
• Keep a relationship diary. I have never been one to keep a journal, but a friend suggested to me that every night, in a notebook, I write down a highlight of the day involving The Young One—just a sentence or two about a fun thing we did together, a nice email he sent, or a sweet thing he said/did. And she’s right. Having that on paper has been so helpful anytime I’m feeling insecure because I can look back and see that, duh, I am loved here.
• Watch the spiraling. If there is a dip in communication, it may well be a sign that something is up. But I need to stop jumping from “problem” to “it’s over.” As my therapist noted, part of a new relationship is building a track record as a couple of being able to work through issues. Problems do not mean the end of the world—they’re a chance to test how good we are at communicating and how well we’ll work long term because, let’s face it, life can be full of road bumps.
• Just enjoy it. Enough said, right?

The biggest thing for me to remember is that you can’t really brace for a crash landing. Is there a chance that me and The Young One won’t work out? Of course there is. If that happens, it’s going to hurt no matter what. I won’t necessarily be able to see it coming. I can’t insulate myself from it. I can’t pre-empt it by deciding “we’re done” without talking to him when I’m upset about something. The bottom line is that love is a risk and with relationships, there are no guarantees. But being able to look that fear in the face and still leap—well, that’s what makes love so sublime.

So, talk to me. Have you ever experienced anything like this? If so, what gets you through it?

Sorry I’ve been so MIA lately. Have you guys missed me? If you ever want to email me, hit me up at imdaterx@gmail.com. And I promise to check in once a month or so from here on out. Really.