Brighter Days

So everything with the best guy friend are back to normal.  I guess he actually listened to what I said because he called the very next day.  Didn't take to long for him to think about things! Lol  I'm still waiting to hear back about grad school.  Some how my transcript has been misplaced by the university and they can't accept me until they locate it.  If I send a new one it is considered late.  I gave them the tracking number, date and time, plus the person who signed for it on their campus.  But, some how it's still missing!  Ugh!  I'm pretty frustrated with the whole thing, but still praying I get accepted.  This is my hope for a future and I'm not giving up yet!

Yet Again

Things have been amazing with my best guy friend/I don't know what to call him.  We've been hanging out a lot.  He's been super sweet and even sort of protective.  Last week I met his cousin, then he went with me and one of my friends for drinks.  Yesterday I met another one of his cousins.  It's been great.  Then today he calls and tells me we need some time apart because he has commitment issues and can't be my boyfriend.  Those were his actual words.  I was like what?!?  I told him I hadn't asked him for anything and that I didn't have expectations.  He said I'm a great friend and he didn't want to hold me back from something I deserve.  I explained that I'm perfectly content with how things are.  I reminded him that my life is a complete mess right now and that I don't have room for a boyfriend really.  He was just kind of silent, so I said he should call me when he is ready to hang out again.  Then I hung up the phone and naturally burst into tears.  Why is it that when things are going great, something bad always happens?  I feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up and feeling happy about something.  The worst part is that he really is one of my best friends.  I spend more time with him than anyone and we talk about everything.  I wish he didn't over think everything and start freaking out.  Why do guys think we want to marry them tomorrow?  Seriously, I know that I want a family in the future, but the thought of marriage right now scares me to death.  I have no job and I'm not sure where I'll be living in the future.  I have a freaking brain disease.  My life is so uncertain.  I'm not in a place where I'm really dependable.  I wouldn't make a good wife right now.  I need more time.  I just want what we have to stay the same.  I just want what we have. 

Happy 2013

Well, it's that time again.  Everyone is making resolutions and hoping for the best.  Christmas has come and gone and so has my birthday.  I'm now the big 3-3.  That just sounds horrible! Lol.  Last night I started the celebrations with my family and adopted aunts and uncles.  That was the most fun of the night.  I then went to the only bar in my little town and watched the parade of white trash in glitter and sequins.  I begged my friend to go to a local restaurant where one of my good friends was DJing.  There, I found a couple people to hang out with, so she went back to the tacky, smokey bar.  After midnight, I went and had a beer with my agoraphobic friend and then went home and had myself a good cry.  Nothing like the holidays to remind you your life sucks.  I know that I have a pretty good life considering, but sometimes it's pretty depressing.  I've really been trying to focus on the positive.  I'm not making any so-called resolutions, but I am going to try to be positive.  I have a roof over my head, a wonderful family, and friends that care about me, not to mention the cutest little doggie in the world.  I'm currently in a strange sort of relationship.  I'm happy with him, but it's not something we are telling people.  In this small town, neither of us are ready for all the attention that follows.  What's really great though is he's one of my best friends.  He's been there for me through my last two break ups.  He checks on me when I'm sick and is just genuinely considerate.  My goal right now is to be happy with things as they are and not push for more.  He isn't ready and there really is no rush.  I don't want to be with anyone else.  I've had some offers, but I'm just not interested.  I'm really enjoying things as they are, so it's all a matter of attitude.  I need to remember that I am happy and things are good, so why mess with a good thing, right :)  I simply need to remember that God will provide what I NEED.

Happy New Year! 

The Latest

It's time for an update on my oh so exciting life.  Things with disability are at a stand still.  I had an attorney who turned out to be less than knowledgeable about anything regarding my specific case.  He couldn't even spell my name right or work his email properly, so I decided to let him go.  I'm currently in the market for a new attorney.  There are NO guys to speak of at all.  Oh, and I got some upsetting news the other day.  My ex husband, who recently got remarried, has had a baby.  I was not upset at all about his marriage.  I'm really happy for him.  I am, of course, also genuinely happy for them about the birth of their daughter.  However, it brought up some serious feelings for me.  It made me think about the two babies we lost and if I'll ever get the chance to be a mother.  I know that with my current health I am not in a position to take care of a child, but I really hope that in the future I can.  Needless to say, it's been a few days of tears at my house. 

So there's the sad news.  Let me share the happy news!  I got a puppy!  Her name is Lola and she is a chihuahua from a rescue group.  She is now four months old.  Her mother was found living under a trailer house, very pregnant, hungry, and covered in fleas.  Mama is now quite healthy as are all seven puppies.  Lola has been so fun and such a mood booster for me.  Even my tough old dad loves her.  I can say without a doubt that puppies truly are the best medicine.  Meet my sweet baby Lola!

Love and Other Drugs

Love and Other Drugs is a movie about a young woman with Parkinson's and her boyfriend as their relationship progresses.  It show the struggles of living with her illness and trying to have a real relationship with a future.  The first time I saw it, I hated it.  It made me cry and it hit way too close to home.  I was watching it with my boyfriend at the time and I could see his face as it was hitting him and he was realizing how similar this girl's situation was to mine.  I saw him thinking how this wasn't what he signed up for.  He really didn't talk to me for the rest of the night.  Needless to say our relationship didn't last.

I thought about the movie several times since then and I watched it again.  This time though I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.  That was a major difference.  I was able to see other similarities besides having a long term illness.  I have a lot to offer the right guy, just like she did.  I will encourage him and build him up.  I also realized that relationship is what I want.  I don't want a knight in shining armor to save me.  I just want the one who will stay around when things get hard.  This is my favorite part of the movie.  It completely sums up how I feel and what I'm waiting for.

Another One Bites the Dust

Yep, you guessed it.  The latest one and I broke up after three pretty great months.  I'm not really sure why.  He just said he didn't feel the same way about me anymore.  I have a ton of guesses as to why, but that doesn't make it easier.  All I know is I drove another one away.  Go me!  I really wish I hadn't taken him to two family reunions and introduced him to EVERYONE before he decided to split.  Pretty freaking embarrassing!  I typically like to keep my failures to myself.  Guess that's out of the question this time. Ugh.  Oh and my family loved him, even my grandmother.  So glad I get to explain this one to everyone.

Sweet Times

I haven't really posted in a while, so it's time for an update.  Things at work haven't been going too well.  I still enjoy my job, but I've missed a lot due to headaches.  With the help of my boss, I realized it's time to apply for disability.  I'm just getting started in the process, so I'll try to post updates.  On the upside, I've been dating a great guy for about a month.  It was really unexpected.  Things with us are just so easy.  That's a new feeling.  We get along great and I've been very upfront about my condition so he knows exactly what he's getting into with me.  My family really likes him too.  My track record isn't great as you know, so I'm pretty nervous.  I am scared of getting hurt again.  I really really like this guy though and the possible positive outcome far outweighs any negative outcome.  Right now we are trying to take things slowly and  enjoy each other as much as we can!  It's so amazing to feel this happy again :)

Moving Along

Life is moving right along, nothing exciting, nothing new really, pleasant and pretty uneventful. That of course means I don't have a lot of material to write about, hence the low number of new posts by yours truly.  I have had a few interesting customers at work.  It's been an experience going from public school to working with the "adult" public.  Some of them still have some growing up to do!  I have been treated as if I am a complete idiot who obviously must not have much education since I'm just a lowly secretary.  Yes, I'm being sarcastic.  It has been interesting to see how people react to me though.  Some customers prefer talking to a man and some just prefer talking to someone other than a secretary.  I wonder what they would think if I hung my college diploma above my desk?  On a positive note, we do have many great customers who are very appreciative of our service.

My personal life is going fine, nothing really new and exciting there either.  There aren't any major prospects in the romance department.  I don't know that I'm looking very hard.  I'm enjoying having fun with friends.  I did have an 18 year old hit on me! lol  That was a nice little self-esteem booster, albeit creepy.

I really wrote a lot the last year or so and would love comments from people.  They don't have to be positive necessarily.  I'd love some insight and politely worded honesty or even just a "been there too".  Hope you enjoy reading my jumbled thoughts!  I'm off to take a glorious nap and continue waiting not so patiently...

The B*tch is Back!

*Read this post as if Elton John is singing that song in the background.  Loud and Proud!

It's been a while since I've posted and the last few have been pretty weak.  Clearly all I've done consistently is eat. I noticed it in a picture from New Year's Eve too! eek!  Oh and drink wine, forgot about that.

Professionally, my life is going well.  I'm enjoying my new job and love the people I work with.  It's a very low stress, low drama environment.  We had a fun, fun Christmas party!  I'm not even dreading going back to work tomorrow after a holiday weekend!

Romantically my life is well, complete shit.  The boyfriend and I have broken up and gotten back together so many times in the last few months that I've lost count.  After duking it out over text messages and facebook, we both realized it's just not working.  I just can't quit though.  Basically, I told him to take some time and get his life in order and then maybe we could try again.  I told him take a year if he needed to.  I also said I couldn't make any promises though.  I'm not going to spend that year pining for him.  I'm going to go and live my life and hopefully we end up coming back together.  If not then we really aren't meant to work.

I'm glad it's a new year.  I need to start fresh.  I need a new attitude and I'm working on it.  I've been asked out a couple of times since Thanksgiving and I've said no.  I know I need to heal and grow on my own.  I need to decide what I really want in life and what I deserve.  No more accepting less than I deserve.  No more excuses for others' poor behavior.  No more excuses for my poor decisions.  Bring on 2012 because I'm back y'all! 

Instead of the resolution going out though, it's the man! Adios!

Country Girl's Dream

Monday night I had the opportunity to go to a concert that is every country girl's dream!  It was a benefit concert for the Central Texas area wildfires.  The line up included George Strait, Willie Nelson, The Dixie Chicks, Asleep at the Wheel, Randy Rogers Band, and at least four others.  It was AMAZING!!!  This really is a once in a life time type of line up.  What's even cooler is that all the musicians that performed are from Texas.  Y'all know how much I love Texas!  My seats weren't quite as stellar as the music, but that's okay.  I was sorta behind the stage, but very close, so I could see the performers talking to the band and watch them when the first walked on stage, so it turned out well.  They music was perfect.  I knew every song the five big performers played.  My boyfriend went with me. (yes, we're back on)  He's not a huge country music fan, but he had a good time and was a good sport about how completely excited I was.  I clapped and danced in my seat and sang and oh it was awesome!  If you don't know who these musicians are, you really need to look them up!

The Dixie Chicks

Willie Nelson

(Deborah Cannon AMERICAN-STATESMAN- all 3 photos)

George Strait waves to the crowd as he walks onstage at Fire Relief: The Concert for Central Texas at the Frank Erwin Center on Monday, October 17, 2011

 

Magnetic Personality

Apparently I have one of those magnetic personalities.  Too bad it's the insane freaks that I seem to draw in.  They're like a moth to flame!  Seriously, why?  The last few months I've tried to be friends with an ex-boyfriend.  Yeah, not my brightest moment I know.  Basically, I feel bad for him because he has some anxiety issues and therefore, not many friends.  We hang out and chit chat or whatever.  I went over the other night and he proceeded to put the moves on me.  When I said no, he called me a bitch.  Yes, a grown man called me a bitch for not sleeping with him.  I looked at him and said that wasn't nice and he said, "Well, you're being a bitch."  I said, "Okay, I can be a bitch at home. Bye."  I hadn't talk to him since.  Then tonight this genius texts me and asks me to come over.  I reminded him that he called me a bitch last time we hung out.  He said sorry and then asked if we could have sex!  I'm like ummm, NO.  I said I just want to be friends with him.  He said, "Hellooo, haven't you heard of friends with benefits???".  I said no again and added a smiley face.  He told me to go to hell!  Then he texts me again five minutes later asking if I'll come over tomorrow. Um yeah, sure, ok.  HA!  Charmers like that get me every time. *Insert eye roll here.

Right or Wrong?

It's been a strange couple of weeks.  The job is going well, but things aren't so great in the relationship area.  After a lot of thought, I decided to take a break from the relationship, not really a break up, but just a break.  I have great friends and a great family.  I am finally working too, so why am I so sad?  I've been really trying to figure that out and I came to the conclusion that I spend 95% of the time missing him and 5% of the time actually talking to him.  At the end of the day I have so much stuff I want to tell him and he's not there, not answering the phone, not returning texts for hours or til the next day.  We see each other maybe once a week.  It's been like 9 months or something and it's been like this for probably the last 6 months.  We talked about it last night and I wasn't sure what to do.  He couldn't offer any sort of solution or say that he could be more available.  The one thing he did say made things really clear all of the sudden though.  He said maybe because I have more time on my hands and am not working full-time, I'm just lonely.  That actually made me mad.  If I wanted to go out with friends every single weekend I could.  If I just needed a warm body, he could easily be replaced.  I want him, not just anyone.  I'm telling him I miss HIM and he just sees me as some pathetic lonely mess.  At that moment I stopped crying and told him I wanted a break.  I saw how he sees me.  How can you be in love with someone you think is a sad little mess?  I'm going to concentrate on me for a while.  Maybe he can take some time for himself.  I don't know. I'm not looking for another relationship.  I really want that one to work, but it's really NOT working the way it is.  I need more.  I want to be a real part of his life, not an after thought.  All I know is I feel like I did the right thing for me this time.  It doesn't make me happy, but I had to do it.

I Got a Job... Well, Sorta

Things are looking in a slight upward direction.  I have a part-time job, make that very part-time.  I will be tutoring students for a non-profit organization in a low income area.  I'll get a whopping 4.5 hours a week!  I'm also working with kindergarteners, my least favorite age.  Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of excited and a job is a job right.  It will at least fill a time gap on my resume.  Everything with the boyfriend is going pretty well.  I'll be tutoring in Austin, so at least we'll get to see each other more. 

Now if I could only figure out what it is I want to do with my life.  I don't think I'm ready for grad school with my health and I know I can't afford grad school right now.  That rules out law school too.  I feel pretty lost.  It's not only my career either.  I don't know what I want in my personal life, where I should live, anything.  If I find a full-time job, I'm thinking the rest will sort of work itself out.  In the mean time, I'm still waiting :)

Just When I Think I Know...

Just when I think I understand what is going on, it changes! I have been crying myself to sleep for the last few days missing my boyfriend.  We've talked off and on about it.  Tonight he asked to talk again.  It looks like we're going to try and work things out.  Thank God!  I've been a mess and not a hot mess either!  I'm not giving the nitty gritty details on here.  Basically, when someone has been through a divorce, relationships are harder.  People have more fear and anxiety.  It takes a long time to heal from a divorce.  I've had a couple more years than he has.  I think we're going to get through it together though.  I really hope so.  I was a sad little girl.  There's a good chance I was the number one customer at the bar for a few days.  I missed him so much.  I missed his kiddos too.  I don't like back and forth and I've been pretty harsh about other people that have those types of relationships, but I just can't quit.  I'm not giving up on him.  Guess that means I love him, huh.

Life as I Know it

I've been MIA lately.  I haven't felt like writing and I wasn't sure what to write because I've been dealing with all of these feelings in my head and trying to figure them out. After like eight months, the boyfriend and I are done.  It was his choice, not mine.  We've discussed it several times over the past week and it really is over.  So I was with this guy less than a year.  What's the big deal?  Why am I so broken over it?  I've been doing some serious soul searching to figure out why I'm so torn up over this break up.  Is it really about him?  Yes and no.  Did I love him? Yeah.  Did I love him more than I've loved anyone else ever?  No.  My temporary job ended about the same time as our relationship and I had to leave Austin and come back home.  Again.

Here's what I realized over the past week or so.  I've been waiting for the past three years.  I've been waiting for my life to change.  I've taken steps to change it, but for some reason, it's just not happening.  Maybe there isn't a job in Austin.  No knight in shining armor is going to ride in and save me, that's for sure.  I'm in this position due to my own decisions, but also due to events out of my control.  Basically I have to stop waiting for things to change.  I have to accept that this is my life.  Period.  I live in this little town, in this little house, BY MYSELF.  This is my life.  I have to accept it completely.  I somehow have to come to terms with that.  Am I depressed about it?  Hell yes I am!  I'm teetering on the edge of disappearing into oblivion or sucking it up and cleaning this disaster of a house and just dealing with it.  My current method of dealing with it though is just staying in bed in the dark.  Yes, I realize this is not healthy.  Yes, I realize I sound whiny and pathetic. 

I know there are starving people in Africa and homeless people all over the world.  I know there are people who don't have a family to support them and help them.  I'm working really hard to remember this and try not to feel too sorry for myself.  Finally accepting my life is going to take some time though.

I'll Live

This is going to be short and sweet. I haven't had it in me to write much lately. My temporary job in Austin is already over and I'm back in my little town. I didn't get the job I interviewed for.  The boyfriend and I aren't speaking and I have no idea why, but seeing as this is the third time he's done this, my patience is wearing thin.  That's my life in a nutshell.

Big Day Tomorrow!

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day! I have a job interview in the morning.  In the afternoon I start a temporary job that lasts a month.  The interview is for a job I'd really like to get.  It would get my foot in the door for one of those dream jobs.  The pay is absolutely awful, but like I said, it's a stepping stone.  I'll be living in the ghetto for sure, but at least it's the ghetto in Austin!  The temp job is also in Austin and my cousin has generously said I can stay with him and his family for the month.  I am beyond happy that I'll be so much closer to the boyfriend!  I'm excited and nervous and stressed out to the max!  I haven't packed or even really started laundry!  I think I'm still waiting for something to fall through.  Please pray I get this job tomorrow!

What Happened to Fidelity?

I was talking to a friend the other day and I learned something disheartening.  A couple we both know aren't as strong as they seem.  He has had an affair and encouraged his friend to do the same.  They are active in church and she is always posting how much she loves her husband and what a great marriage they have.  She has no idea who he really is.  What's even worse is the girl he had an affair with was married to another friend of mine and she left him without saying why.  He doesn't know who she really is either.  These people have children.  This particular circle of affairs just keeps going and doesn't seem to have an end in sight.  What is wrong with my generation?  Why is it so difficult for us to be faithful?  Is infidelity more likely to occur in a small town like mine or is it just that everyone is connected, so everyone knows?  This conversation makes me want to run screaming into the night from my little town.  Just last week I posted about strong relationships and the ones I've grown up watching.  Is it just my generation?  Are we simply that selfish?  Considering that I have strong hopes of getting married and having a family someday, this knowledge is extremely unsettling.  Maybe we just aren't working hard enough.  Maybe my generation isn't putting in the elbow grease required to make things last.  I really wish I knew the answers to this one.  There are plenty of other species that mate for life.  Here are some animals we could learn a thing or two from.

Gibbons     French Angelfish     Condors     Swans     Black Vultures      Wolves     Bald Eagles     Beavers     Coyotes     Albatrosses     Turtle Doves     Prairie Voles

Elbow Grease

I grew up with several very strong couples.  I've watched them throughout my life.  I've seen them struggle and I've seem them succeed.  These couples taught me an invaluable lesson.  Relationships are hard work.  Anyone who expects a relationship to be easy is going to be sorely disappointed.  One person can't carry a relationship either.  Both people have to work hard and make a conscious effort to stay together.

I've dated different types of guys over the years.  Some didn't want to work at the relationship even though they wanted it to work out very badly.  Some didn't want to work at the relationship because I wasn't all that important.  I was simply convenient.  I wasn't the one.  Some just thought relationships are easy and love is enough.

Through my own struggles I've realized that I work harder to make relationships work than anything else in my life.  I put the relationship before my job, my friends, even my family at times.  I've also realized that I work very hard at relationships with people I know aren't good for me.  I will kill myself trying to bend and twist to the needs of someone that doesn't feel the same for me.  Any chance at love and I become a contortionist trying to fit myself into someone's life.  The problem is that often he never intended to make me a real part of his life.  I was hoping for something that just wasn't there.

Hopefully this time I've gotten it right. I love my boyfriend and he and I are going to work together on this!

Caety's Kryptonite

*My sweet guy and I worked everything out. I wrote this when we were having some issues. The part about the silent treatment still holds true though and I love this song! :)

My weakness, my Achilles heal, my Kryptonite is very simple.  The easiest way to hurt me to my core is the silent treatment.  I'm sorry for what you think I meant.  I'm sorry for asking too much of you.  I'm sorry for needing you too much.  I had six amazing months with you.  Please don't take it all away.  We make a great us.  We are too good together.  Please don't make it end.  I love you.  I just want you to talk to me.  Please.  Please.  I'm broken.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat.  I can't focus on anything.  I need you.  You make me better.  You make me strive to be the person I want to be.