Never Trust a Man Who Says Trust Me

"Never trust a man who says trust me."  I received these words of advice at my high school graduation party about thirteen years ago.  As a rule, I have always been very trusting except when it came to salesmen and guys hitting on me or my friends.  Once I was in a relationship with someone though, I trusted them completely.  I trusted my friends just as much.  I know I can trust my family.

Somewhere along the line though, I got burned one too many times.  Too many guys lied to me.  Too many people let me down.  I stopped trusting.  I trust a handful of people that are my family or I consider family.  The rest I listen to, then take their words and actions, and analyze them to death.  I'm always on the lookout for someone trying to use me or take advantage of me.  As you can imagine, this is not a pleasant way to exist.

Now I've reached a point where I want to be able to trust people again.  I want to trust my boyfriend.  I want to trust new friends.  I just don't know how.  How do I let go and not be so afraid of getting burned again?  That's what it all boils down to, I don't trust people because I don't want to let people hurt me anymore.  I realize though that I'll never really have a strong relationship without trust.  I need help with this one.  How do I let down my guard and learn to trust again?

Penicillin is Magic

Penicillin, oh how I love thee!  After two days of taking these magic beans, I am now able to eat again.  Thank you, Jesus!  It's kind of scary because I want to eat everything in sight!  Every kind of food I can think of sounds like heaven.  I still can't eat things like chips and salsa.  Even super mild salsa burns like there's no tomorrow, but at least I can eat somethings.  Basically, my mouth has completely new skin that is still pretty fragile.  Ice cream feels amazing though, so life is pretty good right. 

I haven't really done a thing this week.  I'm still waiting on my new laptop to come in, so I can apply for the work from home jobs.  I'm waiting on a claim with my short term disability insurance and I'm waiting on Saturday to get here so I can spend time with the boyfriend :)  In other words, I'm waiting, not so patiently, as usual.

I'm Hungry!

Remember how I mentioned last week that I was going to a music festival and I was going to live it up like a wild woman?  Yeah well, turns out that I should just quit making any sort of plans altogether because they are going to fall through!  I didn't get to go because I was running a fever of 104.2! 

Turns out I have such a bad case of strep that it has taken over my entire mouth, tongue, and even lips, not to mention my throat.  I was unaware that strep could cause blisters on a person's lips, but apparently I'm living proof.  My doctor said he was surprised I could eat or drink at all as inflamed as it is.  Of course I replied that I'm really not eating.  It freaking hurts too bad to eat!  When I put food in my mouth it feels like I'm on fire!  I've had lots of Sprite, but not much else for the last 5 days.  My stomach is now in permanent growl mode. 

My almost sister has witnessed what happens after I don't eat for just 8 hours.  We had a huge argument and didn't really speak for a couple of weeks because I had a major, stomping temper tantrum in the middle of Las Vegas from hunger.  So just imagine what I'm like after 5 days!  It is not pretty, people, not pretty at all.  I'm a nice person most of the time.  I'm polite and generally agreeable, but when I'm hungry I turn into the Wicked Witch of Central Texas. 

I have discovered though that after the wicked phase, I become simply pathetic.  I'm weepy and pouty.  I can't sleep and I don't even feel like watching TV which are 2 of my favorite hobbies!  HELP!!!  If anyone knows something I can eat that won't feel like I just gargled a gallon of jalapeno juice, please please send it to me!

Everything burns!

And We're Back

Well, my sweet guy and I finally talked yesterday.  We went to dinner and really got everything sorted out.  Because I respect his privacy,  I'm not going to explain to the world wide web what all went wrong, but basically he needed space and I was holding on tighter.  Two wrongs don't make a right, especially in this case.  We both apologized and all is right in the world.  We both have things to work on, but at least I can say we made it through our first real disagreement.  I'm pretty proud of us too because we did it without yelling, name calling, cursing, or any other major offenses.  We were able to discuss it like rational, caring adults and I didn't even cry.  Tears welled up, but they didn't fall! Yea me LOL!

I also decided that once again I was putting everything into the relationship and losing focus on everything else.  I haven't hung out with my friends nearly enough.  This week that changes.  I'm going to a Texas music festival at my old stompin' grounds.  That's right, back to the college alma matter.  What better way to reconnect with some of my friends than by living it up like I'm 21 again!  Ha, I'm so too old for it, but we're gonna party like it's 1999!  All is right in the world.  I hope you enjoy the roller coaster that is my life and please do not unbuckle your seat belts until the car has come to a complete stop.

Wrong Again

In less than one week we have gone from moving in together to not even communicating.  He was supposed to come see me today and then something came up with his brother.  He didn't tell me what it was and he won't answer any calls or texts.  I guess everything isn't okay.  I have no idea what is going on.  I just know that I'm feeling pushed away.  I don't like feeling as if I'm not even good enough to speak to.  Apparently I don't deserve any kind of explanation.  The last few months weren't as special to him as they were to me I guess.  Maybe I love you doesn't mean the same to him.  All I know is that my heart is broken.  I am hurt and angry and totally confused.

Just Kidding

Seems all that excitement last week was for nothing.  We found an apartment and I accepted a job, but it's not happening.  We are not moving in together.  There were several factors involved, but basically he isn't ready yet.  I'm okay with that.  I am extremely disappointed, but we're still together and that is much more important than when we take the next step.  I had my crying, sobbing fit.  The next day we talked though and we both love each other, so the rest will come together.  I have faith.  I'm having a hard time dealing with the disappointment though.  I understand all the reasons in my rational brain, but the rest of me, the not so rational part, is so hurt.  I'm feeling very alone right now.  We had started making decisions as a team and within a few days we are back to making decisions as individuals.  I was getting used to the idea that I'd get to wake up to his face everyday.  I actually read a book about step parenting.  I went through my cooking repertoire to figure out meals he would like and how to make them lower in carbs because he is diabetic.  I started planning exactly where everything would go in our tiny apartment so the kids would have as much space as possible and we could all be comfortable.  I had already decorated the walls and arranged the furniture in my mind.  Yes, I realize this all sounds somewhat obsessive, but I was just so excited and well, my mind moves quickly.  I'm working on remembering to just be happy in the moment and enjoy when we are together.  I'm trying to keep the disappointment at bay.  I'm trying not to start so many sentences with I!  No doubt, that gets annoying. 

I do have a plan though.  I ordered a laptop today so I can start looking for work from home jobs.  Come June 3, I have to turn in this beautiful Mac because it is property of my school district.  So, my new laptop will be here in a week.  Then I can go to my grandmother's and start really applying for the jobs.  I live in the middle of nowhere and can only get satellite internet.  My grandmother has broadband.  Most of the jobs have technology requirements and broadband or DSL is a biggie.  During the application process, they check your connection speed and the sound and video quality of your computer.  Hence, why I have to wait to start applying.  About going to my grandmother's, anyone who knows me, knows that my grandmother and I have a somewhat awkward relationship.  I love her dearly, but she might be one of the most oblivious people in the world.  She just doesn't understand modern things.  I have a clear picture of her coming in and asking me if I want some lunch, a drink, a snack, the blinds open, the blinds closed, the fan on, the fan off, or something else totally random, while I'm in the middle of some major call.  Bless her heart.  You may also be wondering how I bought a laptop when I have no income.  Ha!  Welcome to Texas.  I will be selling two cows.  I get two cows a year from my parents.  This year it's going to a laptop.  Incidentally, I sold two cows to pay for my divorce two years ago and my debt last year.  Please go ahead and laugh because everyone else already is.  Anyway, back to the plan.  Hopefully I'll get a job that pays enough, so I can still move to the big city.  I'll just be moving on my own, but that's okay.  It'll be good for me.  We'll be like Carrie and Big for the first few years.  Kidding, I'm so kidding!

 

These are our cows.  Don't worry, I'm not selling the little ones.

All the Feelings of a Crazy Person

As you know, I started dating a great guy a few months ago.  I have fallen completely, head over heels, in love with him.  It seems that he loves me too!  I feel so incredibly lucky to have met him.  I've met his children and really enjoy spending time with them.

Because we currently live almost an hour away from each other, we've decided to move in together.  I'll be moving to the big city since I'm basically unemployed.  This amazing man is willing to move in with me knowing I don't have a job yet.  I know I would do the same for him, yet I'm still wondering why he would even consider it.  It was actually his idea too.  I'm so scared that I'm not going to find a job soon enough and he is going to see me for the big, fat loser I really am.  (Yes, I know most of that is all in my head.)  I keep waiting for him to get mad at me, but it hasn't happened.  Does he occasionally get annoyed with me?  Of course, he is human, after all and I do have some pretty annoying qualities! :)  I get mildly annoyed with him, but only about small things like when he doesn't charge his phone, forgets his phone, loses his phone, or something similar.  That's because I'm all about the talking and he doesn't place near as much value on excessive communication.  Overall, though we are great!

I will be taking on a new role when we move in together.  This one makes me particularly nervous!  I'll be helping him raise his three children 50% of the time.  His son is 10 and his daughters are 4 and 3.  I don't love the term stepmom, but I guess that's basically what I'll be.  I couldn't be more excited about being part of a family, his family specifically.  I'm extremely apprehensive about how his children will adjust to our new living arrangement.  I'm also totally pumped about the prospect of gradually having a parental relationship with these kids.  I just hope they don't hate me or resent me simply because I'm the outsider.  They are three amazing kids, but then how could they not be with such an amazing dad!

On Saturday, we are going to look at apartments.  We won't actually move until June, but rates are going up daily, so it's time to get on it.  I am beyond excited!  I can't wait to look for our home together.  I'm also excited about moving out of my little town.  I'll be close enough to visit, but out of the monotony.  Sing it with me y'all, "I'm so excited and I just can't fight it! I know I know I know I know..."