Magnetic Personality

Apparently I have one of those magnetic personalities.  Too bad it's the insane freaks that I seem to draw in.  They're like a moth to flame!  Seriously, why?  The last few months I've tried to be friends with an ex-boyfriend.  Yeah, not my brightest moment I know.  Basically, I feel bad for him because he has some anxiety issues and therefore, not many friends.  We hang out and chit chat or whatever.  I went over the other night and he proceeded to put the moves on me.  When I said no, he called me a bitch.  Yes, a grown man called me a bitch for not sleeping with him.  I looked at him and said that wasn't nice and he said, "Well, you're being a bitch."  I said, "Okay, I can be a bitch at home. Bye."  I hadn't talk to him since.  Then tonight this genius texts me and asks me to come over.  I reminded him that he called me a bitch last time we hung out.  He said sorry and then asked if we could have sex!  I'm like ummm, NO.  I said I just want to be friends with him.  He said, "Hellooo, haven't you heard of friends with benefits???".  I said no again and added a smiley face.  He told me to go to hell!  Then he texts me again five minutes later asking if I'll come over tomorrow. Um yeah, sure, ok.  HA!  Charmers like that get me every time. *Insert eye roll here.

Right or Wrong?

It's been a strange couple of weeks.  The job is going well, but things aren't so great in the relationship area.  After a lot of thought, I decided to take a break from the relationship, not really a break up, but just a break.  I have great friends and a great family.  I am finally working too, so why am I so sad?  I've been really trying to figure that out and I came to the conclusion that I spend 95% of the time missing him and 5% of the time actually talking to him.  At the end of the day I have so much stuff I want to tell him and he's not there, not answering the phone, not returning texts for hours or til the next day.  We see each other maybe once a week.  It's been like 9 months or something and it's been like this for probably the last 6 months.  We talked about it last night and I wasn't sure what to do.  He couldn't offer any sort of solution or say that he could be more available.  The one thing he did say made things really clear all of the sudden though.  He said maybe because I have more time on my hands and am not working full-time, I'm just lonely.  That actually made me mad.  If I wanted to go out with friends every single weekend I could.  If I just needed a warm body, he could easily be replaced.  I want him, not just anyone.  I'm telling him I miss HIM and he just sees me as some pathetic lonely mess.  At that moment I stopped crying and told him I wanted a break.  I saw how he sees me.  How can you be in love with someone you think is a sad little mess?  I'm going to concentrate on me for a while.  Maybe he can take some time for himself.  I don't know. I'm not looking for another relationship.  I really want that one to work, but it's really NOT working the way it is.  I need more.  I want to be a real part of his life, not an after thought.  All I know is I feel like I did the right thing for me this time.  It doesn't make me happy, but I had to do it.

I Got a Job... Well, Sorta

Things are looking in a slight upward direction.  I have a part-time job, make that very part-time.  I will be tutoring students for a non-profit organization in a low income area.  I'll get a whopping 4.5 hours a week!  I'm also working with kindergarteners, my least favorite age.  Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of excited and a job is a job right.  It will at least fill a time gap on my resume.  Everything with the boyfriend is going pretty well.  I'll be tutoring in Austin, so at least we'll get to see each other more. 

Now if I could only figure out what it is I want to do with my life.  I don't think I'm ready for grad school with my health and I know I can't afford grad school right now.  That rules out law school too.  I feel pretty lost.  It's not only my career either.  I don't know what I want in my personal life, where I should live, anything.  If I find a full-time job, I'm thinking the rest will sort of work itself out.  In the mean time, I'm still waiting :)

Best of Fall

It's that time again. Yep, fall in Texas.  We've had a cool front and the past week the high has only been in the 90s verses the 108 degree weather we've had half of the summer.  It'll be back in the 100s tomorrow.  It has been brutally HOT here!  Anyone with a television is aware of the wildfires in the past few weeks.

Dove hunting season also started a couple of weeks ago. Today our family is having one of our big dove cookouts.  They're frying dove, making chicken-fried venison, and my favorite, "white wings".  White wings are dove breast stuffed with jalapeno and cheese and wrapped in bacon.  Yummy!  My mother also makes THE best chicken fried steak, venison, or chicken fried anything for that matter.  It's going to be a big group.  Of course we can't have fall without football, so the dove fry is scheduled around the Cowboys game.  Food, family, and football!  What could be better!  I'm also excited that my boyfriend will be here for this one :)

Happy Fall Y'all!

Texas is a sad looking place this year.

Please donate to help Texas Wildfire Victims!

Just When I Think I Know...

Just when I think I understand what is going on, it changes! I have been crying myself to sleep for the last few days missing my boyfriend.  We've talked off and on about it.  Tonight he asked to talk again.  It looks like we're going to try and work things out.  Thank God!  I've been a mess and not a hot mess either!  I'm not giving the nitty gritty details on here.  Basically, when someone has been through a divorce, relationships are harder.  People have more fear and anxiety.  It takes a long time to heal from a divorce.  I've had a couple more years than he has.  I think we're going to get through it together though.  I really hope so.  I was a sad little girl.  There's a good chance I was the number one customer at the bar for a few days.  I missed him so much.  I missed his kiddos too.  I don't like back and forth and I've been pretty harsh about other people that have those types of relationships, but I just can't quit.  I'm not giving up on him.  Guess that means I love him, huh.

My Favorite Song

Yes, my favorite song is a man professing his love by being a smart ass.  Fitting, right :)

Life as I Know it

I've been MIA lately.  I haven't felt like writing and I wasn't sure what to write because I've been dealing with all of these feelings in my head and trying to figure them out. After like eight months, the boyfriend and I are done.  It was his choice, not mine.  We've discussed it several times over the past week and it really is over.  So I was with this guy less than a year.  What's the big deal?  Why am I so broken over it?  I've been doing some serious soul searching to figure out why I'm so torn up over this break up.  Is it really about him?  Yes and no.  Did I love him? Yeah.  Did I love him more than I've loved anyone else ever?  No.  My temporary job ended about the same time as our relationship and I had to leave Austin and come back home.  Again.

Here's what I realized over the past week or so.  I've been waiting for the past three years.  I've been waiting for my life to change.  I've taken steps to change it, but for some reason, it's just not happening.  Maybe there isn't a job in Austin.  No knight in shining armor is going to ride in and save me, that's for sure.  I'm in this position due to my own decisions, but also due to events out of my control.  Basically I have to stop waiting for things to change.  I have to accept that this is my life.  Period.  I live in this little town, in this little house, BY MYSELF.  This is my life.  I have to accept it completely.  I somehow have to come to terms with that.  Am I depressed about it?  Hell yes I am!  I'm teetering on the edge of disappearing into oblivion or sucking it up and cleaning this disaster of a house and just dealing with it.  My current method of dealing with it though is just staying in bed in the dark.  Yes, I realize this is not healthy.  Yes, I realize I sound whiny and pathetic. 

I know there are starving people in Africa and homeless people all over the world.  I know there are people who don't have a family to support them and help them.  I'm working really hard to remember this and try not to feel too sorry for myself.  Finally accepting my life is going to take some time though.