Brighter Days

So everything with the best guy friend are back to normal.  I guess he actually listened to what I said because he called the very next day.  Didn't take to long for him to think about things! Lol  I'm still waiting to hear back about grad school.  Some how my transcript has been misplaced by the university and they can't accept me until they locate it.  If I send a new one it is considered late.  I gave them the tracking number, date and time, plus the person who signed for it on their campus.  But, some how it's still missing!  Ugh!  I'm pretty frustrated with the whole thing, but still praying I get accepted.  This is my hope for a future and I'm not giving up yet!

Yet Again

Things have been amazing with my best guy friend/I don't know what to call him.  We've been hanging out a lot.  He's been super sweet and even sort of protective.  Last week I met his cousin, then he went with me and one of my friends for drinks.  Yesterday I met another one of his cousins.  It's been great.  Then today he calls and tells me we need some time apart because he has commitment issues and can't be my boyfriend.  Those were his actual words.  I was like what?!?  I told him I hadn't asked him for anything and that I didn't have expectations.  He said I'm a great friend and he didn't want to hold me back from something I deserve.  I explained that I'm perfectly content with how things are.  I reminded him that my life is a complete mess right now and that I don't have room for a boyfriend really.  He was just kind of silent, so I said he should call me when he is ready to hang out again.  Then I hung up the phone and naturally burst into tears.  Why is it that when things are going great, something bad always happens?  I feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up and feeling happy about something.  The worst part is that he really is one of my best friends.  I spend more time with him than anyone and we talk about everything.  I wish he didn't over think everything and start freaking out.  Why do guys think we want to marry them tomorrow?  Seriously, I know that I want a family in the future, but the thought of marriage right now scares me to death.  I have no job and I'm not sure where I'll be living in the future.  I have a freaking brain disease.  My life is so uncertain.  I'm not in a place where I'm really dependable.  I wouldn't make a good wife right now.  I need more time.  I just want what we have to stay the same.  I just want what we have. 

Happy 2013

Well, it's that time again.  Everyone is making resolutions and hoping for the best.  Christmas has come and gone and so has my birthday.  I'm now the big 3-3.  That just sounds horrible! Lol.  Last night I started the celebrations with my family and adopted aunts and uncles.  That was the most fun of the night.  I then went to the only bar in my little town and watched the parade of white trash in glitter and sequins.  I begged my friend to go to a local restaurant where one of my good friends was DJing.  There, I found a couple people to hang out with, so she went back to the tacky, smokey bar.  After midnight, I went and had a beer with my agoraphobic friend and then went home and had myself a good cry.  Nothing like the holidays to remind you your life sucks.  I know that I have a pretty good life considering, but sometimes it's pretty depressing.  I've really been trying to focus on the positive.  I'm not making any so-called resolutions, but I am going to try to be positive.  I have a roof over my head, a wonderful family, and friends that care about me, not to mention the cutest little doggie in the world.  I'm currently in a strange sort of relationship.  I'm happy with him, but it's not something we are telling people.  In this small town, neither of us are ready for all the attention that follows.  What's really great though is he's one of my best friends.  He's been there for me through my last two break ups.  He checks on me when I'm sick and is just genuinely considerate.  My goal right now is to be happy with things as they are and not push for more.  He isn't ready and there really is no rush.  I don't want to be with anyone else.  I've had some offers, but I'm just not interested.  I'm really enjoying things as they are, so it's all a matter of attitude.  I need to remember that I am happy and things are good, so why mess with a good thing, right :)  I simply need to remember that God will provide what I NEED.

Happy New Year! 

The Latest

It's time for an update on my oh so exciting life.  Things with disability are at a stand still.  I had an attorney who turned out to be less than knowledgeable about anything regarding my specific case.  He couldn't even spell my name right or work his email properly, so I decided to let him go.  I'm currently in the market for a new attorney.  There are NO guys to speak of at all.  Oh, and I got some upsetting news the other day.  My ex husband, who recently got remarried, has had a baby.  I was not upset at all about his marriage.  I'm really happy for him.  I am, of course, also genuinely happy for them about the birth of their daughter.  However, it brought up some serious feelings for me.  It made me think about the two babies we lost and if I'll ever get the chance to be a mother.  I know that with my current health I am not in a position to take care of a child, but I really hope that in the future I can.  Needless to say, it's been a few days of tears at my house. 

So there's the sad news.  Let me share the happy news!  I got a puppy!  Her name is Lola and she is a chihuahua from a rescue group.  She is now four months old.  Her mother was found living under a trailer house, very pregnant, hungry, and covered in fleas.  Mama is now quite healthy as are all seven puppies.  Lola has been so fun and such a mood booster for me.  Even my tough old dad loves her.  I can say without a doubt that puppies truly are the best medicine.  Meet my sweet baby Lola!

Pepper 1999-2012

I said goodbye to my best friend of 13 years today.

Love and Other Drugs

Love and Other Drugs is a movie about a young woman with Parkinson's and her boyfriend as their relationship progresses.  It show the struggles of living with her illness and trying to have a real relationship with a future.  The first time I saw it, I hated it.  It made me cry and it hit way too close to home.  I was watching it with my boyfriend at the time and I could see his face as it was hitting him and he was realizing how similar this girl's situation was to mine.  I saw him thinking how this wasn't what he signed up for.  He really didn't talk to me for the rest of the night.  Needless to say our relationship didn't last.

I thought about the movie several times since then and I watched it again.  This time though I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.  That was a major difference.  I was able to see other similarities besides having a long term illness.  I have a lot to offer the right guy, just like she did.  I will encourage him and build him up.  I also realized that relationship is what I want.  I don't want a knight in shining armor to save me.  I just want the one who will stay around when things get hard.  This is my favorite part of the movie.  It completely sums up how I feel and what I'm waiting for.

Another One Bites the Dust

Yep, you guessed it.  The latest one and I broke up after three pretty great months.  I'm not really sure why.  He just said he didn't feel the same way about me anymore.  I have a ton of guesses as to why, but that doesn't make it easier.  All I know is I drove another one away.  Go me!  I really wish I hadn't taken him to two family reunions and introduced him to EVERYONE before he decided to split.  Pretty freaking embarrassing!  I typically like to keep my failures to myself.  Guess that's out of the question this time. Ugh.  Oh and my family loved him, even my grandmother.  So glad I get to explain this one to everyone.