Mom

Last week I lost my grandmother.  My brother and I called her Mom.  We were lucky enough to grow up on the ranch with my grandparents less than a mile away.  I spent the first two years of my life with Mom.  She kept me everyday when my parents were at work.  We sat next to each other in her orange chair.  I learned my colors by looking at flower seed catalogs with her.  She always talked about how I used to say "lellow", but somehow managed to get out "gladiolas".  Mom also taught me how to read.  After those first two years, I still saw my grandparents nearly every afternoon.  Pop retired when I was maybe four, so I got to see him all the time after that.  We spent most weekends with them as well.  I learned how to cook the basics from her.  She tried to teach me to crochet, but I just didn't sit still long enough.  I spent so many hours sitting next to Mom in her chair.  When I got too big to fit in the chair with her, I sat on the armrest of her chair and Pop's chair.  Later I moved to the ottoman.  I always sat next to her though.  My seat at the table was next to her also.  Mom was my go to person when I felt down.  She was pretty shy and reserved, so when she said something it was important.  She always told me that if somebody didn't like me the way I am, they could just keep on walking.  I never heard her raise her voice in anger.  I didn't see Mom nearly as much as I should have the last few years.  I guess my only excuse was that seeing her so frail broke my heart.  Pop passed away in April.  They were married for 62 years.  Mom went to be with him less than a year later.  I went to see her the week before she died and I got to tell her about my sweet guy.  She was excited and I could tell it made her happy to see me happy.  I will miss Mom so much, just like I've missed Pop.  They helped make me who I am today and I know they were proud of me because they made it a point to say so.  They would tell me they loved me and were proud of me.  I love them and I'm proud of the life and family they created.  I'm so glad they're together now.  Mom's favorite flowers were irises, so these are for her.

I Wonder

 I wonder too much.

I wonder about everything.

I wonder what you did today.

I wonder what my dog is thinking.

I wonder what the weather is going to be like.

I wonder if something life altering will happen soon.

I wonder if you have dreams like I do.

I wonder if I will die old.

I wonder if I have met my second half or if I ever will.

I wonder how I will look in my 60s.

I wonder if true love is possible.

I wonder if you think your bed is more comfortable than mine.

I wonder if I’ll get to travel to far away places.

I wonder what you really think of my family.

I wonder if I will learn to take risks.

I wonder if you will take them with me.

I wonder why things end so slowly.

I wonder if my parents are disappointed in me.

I wonder if I will ever have a family.

I wonder if I am annoying.

I wonder why I care.

I wonder if you do, too.

I wonder if it’s possible to be addicted to ice cream.

I wonder how old the tree is at my grandparents’ house.

I wonder how bad getting a tattoo really hurts.

I wonder why I’m such a picky eater.

I wonder what it would be like to forget any painful event.

I wonder

I wonder

I wonder

what it’s like

not to wonder so much.

-No author found. Adapted by me.

The Wheels Keep Turning

When I was a kid my dad used to look at me and say he could "see the wheels turning".  As in, my brain is working overtime and I'm thinking really hard about something.  Those closest to me know the look on my face that signifies I'm deep in thought.  Lately, it seems I have this look all the time.  I can't stop thinking about things, to the point that I know I'm over-analyzing.  I know this is my reaction to fear, sometimes irrational fear, but I still can't seem to stop.  I'm not sleeping very well.  My stomach is upset.  I haven't been this happy in so long and it's like my brain is trying to prepare me for the worst.  Like maybe if I doubt things, when they do fall apart it won't hurt so much.  But is that really possible?  I'm so used to things falling apart that I have no idea how to just enjoy it.  Does anyone know how to turn off this over-analyzing?  How do people reassure themselves that the bottom doesn't always fall out from under them?  How do I get the wheels to stop turning?  See what I mean about over-thinking!  I'm not sure the hamsters will ever get tired.  Suggestions welcome!

Relationship Update

Well, it's been 4 weeks since I started talking to this great guy.  I'm not as scared as I was at first.  I just feel like I can trust him.  Things are going amazingly well!  Seriously, I think I've spent most of my life waiting for someone like him.  We have so much in common and have tons to talk about.  He just makes me smile.  I miss him during the week and live for the weekends when we can see each other.  He calls every night though and we have great conversations.  It feels like we've known each other for years.

He met my brother and sister-in-law last weekend and he'll meet my parents in a couple of weeks.  My brother said he seemed like a good guy and my brother doesn't like anyone! LOL  I will probably meet his children soon.  That is both nerve-racking and exciting.  I want so much for them to like me and for us to get along well.  To some it probably seems like this is going really fast, but honestly it doesn't feel that way.  We are getting to know each other and enjoying each others company.  We aren't making any long term commitments, just that we are together.  We are dating and seeing where is goes.  For once in my life, the man is on the same page and we are at the same maturity level.  I already have strong feelings for him.  I told my friend Jenny, "I kinda just know."  She said, "When you know, you know." 

I heart Craig Ferguson

On occasion I stay up late enough to catch The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.  I just have to say he freaking cracks me up!  The only part of his show I don't like is the weird skeleton robot guy that says "in your pants" all the time.  He needs to be sent to the junkyard car crusher!  Craig became a U.S. citizen which many actors don't feel the need to do.  I find his interest in our country admirable.  I also love his sense of humor.  He's clearly very secure with himself.  Craig Ferguson is one sexy man and it's all because of his personality.  On a side note, Rachael Ray was on his show tonight. Was it just me or did she totally look like a cast member of Jersey Shore?!?  Snooki could totally be her in 10 years!  Ladies, lay off the bronzer!  You're Italian not orangutans!  People are not supposed to be orange.  Whew!  I feel better now that I got that off my chest.

*Disclaimer- I do not think Rachael Ray is an unattractive person. I don't think Snooki is unattractive either, nuts maybe, but not ugly.  The point was that they are over doing it with the tanner/bronzer products.  Rachael Ray doesn't always look like that either, but there for a while, she was looking pretty Jersey!  Why do attractive people feel the need to mess up a good thing is what I'm saying?!!

A Note About My Almost Sister

One of my very best friends has a blog that recently received quite a bit of attention.  Many of the comments people wrote were really harsh.  I'm the big sister and I felt the need to jump in and defend her. I don't think we need to agree, but we need to respect other people's opinions and not jump down their throat if they say something we don't like.  Here is my response to all those negative and frankly, mean comments.

Ok, to all the people who griped about the being skinny post, stop and take a minute to look in the mirror. You think you are superior to the author because you are less shallow and that you are emotionally healthier because you don't judge based on weight. However, you wrote hateful comments to a person you don't even know. How is that showing you don't judge? I have known her since she was born. She is the closest thing to a sister I have. We don't always agree. That's life. That's what makes the world go round. I'm a size 18. I HATE running. To be really honest I'm happy with my life and how I look in my clothes. There are certain parts of my body I wish were maybe firmer, but overall it just isn't something I put much focus on. Never once has she made negative comments to me about my weight or activity level. She loves me as is no matter what. Do I agree with everything she wrote in that post? No. Does it change anything between us? Absolutely not. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. If you don't like hers, go read something else. Oh, and learn to realize when something is just supposed to be funny. Sarcasm and exaggerations are her thing. If you don't like it, get bent.

Cry Baby

I'm a cry baby.  I cry when I get angry and when I'm upset.  Last year I started BAWLING because I thought my principal was going to retire.  I teared up when my 10 year old nephew caught an interception during his football game because I was so damn proud of him.  I cry during movies like Steel Magnolias, Brokeback Mountain, and even episodes of Bones.  In the last few years though I've cried a LOT, mainly because I'm heartbroken, feeling the emptiness of not having children, or grieving for loved ones who died or are suffering.  I've also cried when I was in pain and frustrated with IIH.  There has been so much to cry about in the last few years, but now I have a new reason to cry.

Tonight I cried tears of pure JOY.  They came streaming down my face and continue as I write this.  As I cried, I put my hands together and prayed.  Out loud.  I usually pray a silent prayer every night, but never out loud when I'm alone.  Tonight though I prayed out loud and I thanked God.  I thanked Him for answering my little prayers. 

Why am I thanking Him?  Because after praying for years to meet a good man, a kind man, a loving man, God put this man in front of me.  About three weeks ago I decided to try online dating one last time.  I decided to be much pickier this time.  I knew what I didn't want for sure.  I worked on my profile and had a guy friend look over it.  Then I began searching.  I glanced over a few profiles, but nothing really stood out.  Then I saw his.  He's my age, the build I prefer, a non-smoker, no cats, and we had quite a few similiar interests.  What really caught my eye though was his writing.  He wrote his profile as if it were important.  There were no errors or shorthand text lingo.  He put thought into it.  I messaged him and said I enjoyed reading his profile and listed some things we have in common.  Then said he should check out my profile and message if he was interested.  Within a few hours we were chatting online.  The next night we were talking on the phone.  We talked for hours each day either online or on the phone.  Two weeks ago we had our first date.  I was so nervous after being on one crappy date after another.  Once I was with him for a few minutes though, it turned into a nervous excitement.  He was so easy to talk to.  He planned the date and took me to a restaurant I had casually mentioned in conversation that was good.  This guy listened to me!  After dinner he took me to see a band he thought I'd like based on our mutual music tastes.  He had tickets reserved so we just had to walk in.  He checked my coat and opened doors, including the car door!  The band was really good.  I remember how they sounded, but I couldn't tell you a single song they sang.  I was too amazed at this man.  He was a gentleman. He paid attention to things I mentioned casually.  He planned our date out to the last detail.  He complimented me.  He gave me a goodnight kiss and then I went home.  A friend asked me how our date was and I said, "It was probably..." and I thought of a past date to compare it to, like one of the top five dates.  Then it came to me.  I said, "It was probably THE best date I've ever had." 

We talked everyday after that and had our second date yesterday.  We went to one of my favorite restaurants.  He already had it planned out.  Then we went to a hockey game.  It was something I'd mentioned in conversation that I thought was fun.  It was just as awesome as the first date.  

I almost feel like I'm holding my breath because I'm so used to things failing.  He likes me as much as I like him though, even more if that's possible.  He takes the time to plan dates we'll both enjoy.  He calls me every night and texts me at least once each day.  For the first time ever I'm on the same page with a guy.  We have discussed not rushing things even though we both feel like this is going somewhere.  We're still in the kissing phase and it's a good phase.  We're taking time to really get to know each other.  I'm not going to meet his children for a while.  That was something I mentioned first, but he was in total agreement on.  He agreed and said, "Absolutely, I don't want to introduce anyone to my kids until I know we're a team."  That just somehow seemed like the right answer to me.  

For now I'm enjoying the tears and letting them flow.  Hopefully I can write more about him in the future.  But, if nothing really comes of this relationship, I'll be okay because at least now I know there are truly good men out there.